LEON: Republicans to unveil historic post-mortem project on Reagan gravesite

Dec 1, 2014 at 12:09 am
LEON: Republicans to unveil historic post-mortem project on Reagan gravesite

Next week, Republicans intend to propose legislation appropriating funds for the largest-ever post-mortem gravesite reconstruction in American history. The project, expected to cost as much as $100 million, is designed to allow President Ronald Reagan room in his grave to roll over.

The decision comes in response to President Obama’s recent executive action on immigration, allowing for millions of undocumented aliens to remain in the United States.

House Speaker John Boehner explains, “The one phrase reiterated by most of my colleagues was, ‘Ronald Reagan would roll over in his grave right now.’ Then it occurred to me: We owe it to President Reagan to give him room to roll over.”

He adds that this was just the first of many responses to Obama’s actions.

The proposed project would require hundreds of top-level, privately contracted archaeologists to meticulously burrow through approximately five square miles of California terrain. Once within 10 feet of the Great Communicator, a specialized team comprised of Navy SEALs and dentists will collaborate on a “precision scraping” effort to provide an additional five cubic feet of space around Reagan’s coffin. The entire project is expected to take about five months.

Officials say that with enough time and care, they will be able to provide “sufficient rollover room” with minimal disturbance to the peacefully resting president.

Boehner says, “No expense should be spared to provide a comfortable, eternal slumber for our greatest president. This investment should provide the necessary room for President Reagan to roll over after all the abuses of power by his Democratic successors who are intent on trampling on the Constitution.”

Some Senate Republicans took to Twitter to express their support for the project, using the hashtag #wewonttakethislyingdown. Fans have already gathered at the gates of the Reagan Presidential Library with signs reading, “We won’t take this lying down,” “We lay with President Reagan” and “Roll over Reagan … good boy.”

Other elected officials and celebrities plan to follow Reagan’s example, preparing similar rollover space at their own burial sites.

Actor and Republican backer Chuck Norris says he intends to build his own rollover space once he’s down there.