Throw a rock in February, and you can find someone complaining about Valentines Day. But for some people, the way sex and even romance are pushed at them on the 14th of February is indicative of something more difficult than just this day of chocolate and obligatory flowers.
It can be an everyday discomfort for people such as Justin Alexander, an asexual living in Louisville.
Like, youre in high school, in this hyper-sexualized environment, and every dude is looking at every girl like, aw I wanna bang them. And I didnt get that, Alexander told LEO adding, I just tried to fit into that, and look at things that way, and even trying to pursue women the way everyone around me did made me really uncomfortable.
With the rising focus on all sorts of genders and sexualities, and the ease of communication brought by the internet, groups of people who have previously been isolated, overlooked by society, are starting to come out into the open in a way that they havent before.
Asexuals and aromantics are no exception.
Lets get to know a little about our interviewees and also find out how they handle a holiday that regularly depresses all of us.
Start out by letting go of what you think you know.
Jae Sledge, another one of our interviewees, put it this way:
When you tell [people], they make a lot of assumptions. And its a lot different situation than they assume.
We Make A Lot of Invisible Jokes
Asexuals are out there, but their lack of visibility came up in my interviews multiple times.
We met Justin Alexander already, but lets fill in some details. Hes a white guy, 22. He moved around a good bit as a kid before landing in Louisville. Hes tried a couple of different directions for a while he wanted to go into drafting but for now hes a valet at The Seelbach, trying to figure out whats next.
Jae Sledge is a 21-year-old student at UofL. Sledge is nonbinary, which means they reject completely the idea of being a boy or a girl. In the nonbinary community, much like the trans community, people frequently reject the pronouns they were assigned at birth he and she. Sledge uses them, they and theirs, instead.
Sledge is studying to be a teacher and, in the meantime, they work in childcare.
Ly Fawkes, 39, is another nonbinary, or NB, person. Like Sledge, Fawkes rejects normative pronouns and uses the less well known ne, nem and nirs pronouns. Ne is equal to he/she/they, nem works like him/her/them and nirs subs in for his/hers/theirs.
Fawkes is (among other things) a nerd who has intense feelings about nir favorite fandoms, is in a long-distance romantic relationship, uses a wheelchair due to a medical condition called Stills and is an old friend of mine from Catholic school.
Its Alexander who said, We make a lot of invisibility jokes, and that invisibility somewhat extends to the research community.
Not a lot of information exists on asexuality. Estimates on the number of asexuals are based on self-reporting and, therefore, are flawed. What estimates do exist vary widely. Well, wildly from a statistical standpoint, anyway. But, for now, lets go with 1 percent, a figure arrived at by Canadian researcher Anthony Bogaert, though Bogaert suspected this number was pretty low.
Not Black and White
As medical and social sciences progress, the idea of spectrums keeps emerging. For sexuality, you can go back to Dr. Alfred Kinsey, arguably the most-influential sexologist in history. He posited sexuality as a six-point spectrum from gay to straight, with almost no one being a true one or six.
Lots of people think asexuality is the same: There is a spectrum of desire. On that spectrum, Alexander is firmly asexual.
I tried having casual sex with one person, Alexander recalled, and I actually felt like I was going to throw up.
Fawkes is demisexual, another spot on the spectrum, sometimes described as gray, because its neither black nor white, neither fully attracted to sex, nor completely unable to feel attraction.
I dont experience sexual desire unless I feel an emotional connection to the person.
The more connected I feel to someone, the more positively I feel about them, the better looking they are. And if the connection goes away, they become ugly, said Fawkes.
There is never an instant attraction to someone, although Fawkes still notices when people are good looking, an aesthetic attraction.
Its like, Oh wow, that person is really, really nice looking. Like, Oh wow, thats a really pretty flower. Its got the same feel. Theres nothing physical or sexual, Fawkes said.
Sledge also currently identifies as asexual, but they are open to the possibility they are demisexual, if the right relationship comes along, the right romance.
Because theres another axis on this spectrum: Asexuality is often accompanied by, or associated with, aromanticism. Aromantics dont ever feel romantic attraction. They are cool with just having friends.
So, not wanting sex is way different than not wanting love, and not wanting romantic love isnt the same as not wanting friends.
Fawkes isnt aromantic at all.
I get romantic crushes on people. But 99 percent of the time, theres no sexual component to that. I want to go on dates with them and stare into their eyes and cuddle them, but I dont want to fuck them. The person has to mean something to me. You have to feel like you know them.
Sledge is single, but isnt sure if theyre aromantic. They pointed out that, maybe at 21, singleness comes from another factor:
Right now, Im not sure if Im on the aromantic spectrum, or if Im just not good at dating people. But right now, Im pretty comfortable saying Im asexual, but not aromantic.
Similarly, Alexander isnt worried about romanticism right now. Hes just working on himself.
It never fit me
My biggest question going into these interviews was: How do you know?
For me, sexual attraction was always so strong that it felt like I was being hit in the face with the urge to get intimate. How do you have a realization about the absence of something?
Imagine everywhere you went, people essentially constantly yelled at you that you should feel something, and you knew you didnt?
Thats how Alexander describes high school. He tried to fit into the available molds of straight and gay, to figure out where he belonged.
I tried the gay thing, and I wasnt gay. Even had a friend who had a crush on me, and we talked about it, tried kissing and stuff. But I still didnt feel much. Ive had relationships with women, said Alexander.
To make matters worse, he was trying to figure this out in high school, when it seems like everybody is hyper-sexual, and some people cant deal with anyone who isnt.
It was a long, uncomfortable process of feeling like theres nothing to explain me. I always felt like an outsider. And guys would call me gay, or a fag, but that didnt really fit me. I had bisexual friends who would ask me if I was bisexual, and I said, I dont know, and they said, That means you probably are, and I was like, OK? Whatever.
Like a lot of outsiders in the digital age, Alexander found his people online.
It was actually a group on Facebook. There was this group called Asexual A.C.E.S Ace is, like, an acronym for awareness, community, education, support. I was looking through their stuff and reading these people posting, and I was like, well this sounds, like, eerily similar to the things Ive been through, said Alexander.
Ace is also a shorthand for asexual, so there is a little wordplay with the acronym. Aromantic also has a shortened form, aero or aeros.
Fawkes also found nir people on Facebook, discovering nonbinary gender and asexuality at the same time. Ne didnt know how to identify nirself, but had known for a long time that hetero and gender normativity was not the answer.
It never fit me, like wearing a pair of shoes thats a size too small. You can do it, but its uncomfortable and youre always aware that these arent right, said Fawkes.
Fawkes said when ne encountered demisexuality, it was like a lightning bolt.
But its not always that obvious. Sledges first reaction to the idea of asexuality was that it didnt apply to them, because of the generalizations they had been fed.
I had always heard of it as dont touch me, dont love me! or whatever, and thats not me, said Sledge.
But as Sledge explored college, friendship and romantic love, they noticed something. When they dated, and it was time to get intimate, they were never into it.
At first I wasnt sure. Like, maybe I just dont like this person like that. So you start adventuring out, and one after another I just didnt have any interest in being sexual with another person. And I was like, OK. Maybe its not just one or two people, said Sledge.
After attempting to feel sexual attraction for a variety of folks, they finally gave up on trying to feel something and began identifying as asexual.
Dating is Hard
None of the people with whom I spoke are definitely aromantic. So whats it like when they all try to find love?
Dating is hard, confided Sledge, because theyre like, Oh, you dont wanna do that? Well, I dont wanna be with you. I wish people would get to know me and not just look at my identity. Look at me.
Fawkes laughed when asked about meeting people.
Im an egg when it comes to asexuality. Its only been a few years for me, and Ive been in exactly one relationship during that time that Im still in with my partner Suzy.
In addition to being Fawkes first relationship after ne realized ne was asexual, it was also the first time ne had ever made the first move and asked someone out.
And Alexander still isnt even trying.
Im single and trying to work on myself. I mean, Im 22 and I havent had a whole lot of time to think about myself with the things Ive dealt with.
People Like to Throw That Around
Before we get to the big Valentines Day plans, we have to stop and say one more thing, something we probably shouldnt have to say, but here it is anyway.
Aces dont want to be fixed. They dont feel they are sick, despite the fact that there are still some healthcare professionals who act like they are.
I get a lot of: Its because of trauma, said Sledge, referring to the sort of analysis they get from people.
Alexander also had some strong words on the subject.
The only reason it would be a disorder is if it causes distress to the person, and thats not the case for most aces. It causes me no distress, he said, adding, The hormone disorder thing. People like to throw that around, even in the psychological profession. Doctors, thats the first thing they suggest.
Alexander said distress came not from being asexual, but trying to pretend he wasnt.
Weve Felt Real Heartbreak on Valentines Day
Holidays are tough for Fawkes and neir paramore Suzy. Not because of some epic, asexual crisis, but because they live in different cities and arent always financially in a place where they can travel to see each other.
Ill probably send them something nice and theyll send me something. I know they are working on a painting for me for a late Christmas gift, said Fawkes, pointing to another painting Suzy sent, noting, Its a communist octopus.
Alexander, as noted before, is pretty nonplussed by the holiday.
I do have one friend, she sends all of her friends roses and those chocolate dipped strawberries. And thats about the most enjoyable part of Valentines Day for me.
His tone made it seem like that isnt too big of a deal, more like responding to a friend who remembered to pick him up a thoughtful tchotchke on vacation.
Sledge however, has a valentine, the same one theyve had since middle school, their best friend and roommate, Trevon.
It started when we both had boyfriends, and we both got dumped, and it really sucked. It happened on Valentines Day, said Sledge. Trevon has been her Valentines date ever since, just two friends offering each other companionship.
At the end of the day, once we remove all the preconceived notions about what it should be, how it should work, or even how it should or shouldnt make you feel in the pants, once we stop dividing friendship from romance, maybe were all just looking for a place where we feel like we belong, with people who care about us and accept us as we are.
For another Valentine’s Day-related article, check out “Make Valentines Day? Great Again.”
This article appears in February 14, 2018.