Welp”s Louisville: At last, a president who doesn”t resemble my uncle

Feb 5, 2008 at 9:43 pm

It looks like we’re finally going to elect a president who doesn’t reflect my privileged status, and I am psyched! As a straight, white, middle-class male, doors have pretty much always swung right open for me. And I’m not going to lie to you, it’s been sweet. I never have problems getting served in restaurants, and I have full salary parity with males in my profession. Oh, and I can live anywhere I want. Anywhere! It’s been pretty awesome.

But, it’s getting old always nailing the job interview and getting the promotion, while never getting groped by co-workers or insulted on YouTube by Kramer from “Seinfeld.” Plus, I only know, like, one guy who’s even in jail. One! Can you believe it?

But once Hillary or Obama gets in the White House, things are going to change. And one of those two is definitely going to be our next president. I mean, the Republicans don’t even seem to be trying. John McCain and Mitt Romney — are you kidding me? It’s like the Republicans want to lose.
Anyway, if the next president is Hillary, things will change, that’s for sure. Like, I’ll probably start doing more chores around the house. That will be good for me. Build my character. Frankly, it’s a little embarrassing sitting on my ass on the couch, just because I’m a dude. It probably wouldn’t kill me to actually have to think up something smart to say in meetings instead of always getting the floor just because my generative glands are outside my body cavity, either. Also, maybe I’ll finally get around to reading the Brontë sisters.

But I think Barack Obama’s going to be our next president. He’s going to be impossible to vote against, even for many Republicans, who understand it’s the least they can do after foisting the historic, shameful George W. Bush nightmare on people of color the entire world over. Not only is Obama brilliant and dashing and Kennedyizzle (the handsome, lithe Kennedys of the sixties, not the bloated, red-faced, inbred Kennedys of the noughties), but just listening to him talk makes you feel all squishy inside, like that time in middle school when you got a SweeTart from the teacher for answering all the test questions right, and you did it without cheating and the teacher was hot. Barack Obama is walking serotonin.

So how will things be different under President Obama when there’s no more racism? I guess I’ll get more traffic tickets, since the cops won’t be so busy pulling over African Americans just because they’re black. That seems like a small price to pay so that millions of people can get access to healthcare, education, insurance, housing, childcare, clean air, clean water, crime-free neighborhoods, bank loans at fair-market rates, hope as a birthright and groceries. Oh, and as veep, Oprah will totally Renuzit any lingering Cheney cooties.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been anticipating that any day now racism and sexism were going to end and the picnic would be over for us white guys. And damned if it isn’t finally going to happen. I’m stoked about the prospect of being judged by the content of my character instead of the color of my skin or the existence of my balls. And I’m totally up for relating to a president who’s not a pasty-faced, privileged cracker-man like me (not counting Barack’s white half and Hillary’s Wellesley/Yale background). So count me in, as America finally wakes up and elects a leader who can’t possibly do any worse than the 230-year shitstorm perpetrated by privileged white guys.

Rename this column
It’s come to my attention that, as much as I deeply love this city, I don’t technically “own” Louisville. Also, a reader suggested that I write more about national issues, and the other reader said, “sure, whatever.” Therefore, the name “Welp’s Louisville” — like “Visigoth’s Corner” and “Blogging Plessy v. Ferguson” before it — has become obsolete. Won’t you help me rename this column? Please send your suggestions to [email protected]. Thank you.  

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