Q: Im a straight white woman in my early 30s. In theory, Ive always been into men of all racesbut in practice, most of my exes are Latino and white. In September, I met this really handsome Chinese American guy, and I feel like he rewired me. Ive been exclusively attracted to Asian guys since. Im not writing to ask if this is racist, because Im not asking these guys to, like, speak Korean to me in bed or do any role-playing stuff. We just date and have sex, same as my past relationships. But if any of these dudes saw my Tinder matches, theyd be like, This woman has a thing for Asian guys. Which I do, but its pretty new. Is this normal? Do people just change preferences like that? Also, can you do a PSA about Asian dicks? In my recent but considerable experience, they run the gamut from average to gigantic. If small Asian dicks were a thing, I would have encountered at least one by now. That shit is a myth.
Asian Male/White Female
A: Heres my general take on race-specific sexual preferences: So long as you can see and treat your sex partners as individuals and not just as objectswe are all also objectsand so long as you can express your preferences without coming across and/or being a racist shitbag, and so long as youve interrogated your preferences to make sure theyre actually yours and not a mindless desire for what youve been told youre supposed to want (i.e., the currently prevailing beauty standard or its equally mindless rejection, the transgressive fetishization of the other), then its okay to seek out sex and/or romantic partners of a particular race.
I ran my general take on race-specific sexual preferences past Joel Kim Boostera writer and comedian whose work often touches on race and desireand he approved. (Whew.) I also shared your letter with him, AMWF, and Booster had some thoughts for you.
It doesnt sound like her newfound preference for Asian men has anything to do with the uncomfortable fetishization of culture, said Booster. Its good that shes not asking them to speak Korean or do any sort of Asian role-playingsomething thats been asked of me before (and its a bummer, trust). Her interest in Asian men seems to be mostly an aesthetic thing, which you certainly cant fault her for: There are a lot of hot Asian dudes out there.
Booster also had some questions for you.
Its not uncommon for people later in life to discover that theyre attracted to something theyd never considered sexy beforefull-grown adults are out here discovering theyre bi every damn day, said Booster. But she went 30 years before she saw one Asian man she was attracted to? And now this guy has rewired her to be attracted only to Asian men?
He said that he would like to see a picture of this magical guy, AMWF, and I would, too.
If she was chill about it and just started adding Asian men into the mix, this wouldnt seem like an issue, added Booster. But from what I can gather, she has shifted to exclusively fucking Asian guys and feels the need to write a letter about it. That feels like a red flag, and yet I cant pinpoint why.
Maybe youre just making up for lost timemaybe youre getting with all the Asian dick you can now to make up for all the Asian dick you missed out on before you ran into that one impossibly hot Asian guyand your desires/preferences/Tinder profile will achieve a racially harmonious equilibrium at a certain point. But whether you remain exclusively attracted to Asian guys for the rest of your life or not, AMWF, make sure you dont treat Asian guys like youre doing them a favor by sitting on their gamut-running dicks.
Im weary of people with a specific racial preference for Asian men. And its less out of a fear of being fetishizedthough thats certainly part of itand more because of the implicit power imbalance that exists in those relationships, said Booster. Its all artificially constructed by The Culture, of course, but Im acutely aware that society views Asian men as less masculine and therefore less desirable. And Ive learned that guys who have a preference for Asian men sometimes bring a certain kind of entitlement to our interactions, i.e., You should feel lucky Im paying you this kind of attention. And thats gross! It doesnt sound like shes doing that, but something about this letter makes me feel like she wants to be congratulated for being woke enough to consider Asian guys. Shed do well to keep this stuff behind the curtainno one wants to feel like someone was into them only because of some witchs curse a hot Chinese American guy put on them at a bar.
Follow Joel on Twitter @ihatejoelkim, and visit his website ihatejoelkim.com.
Q: Im a guy. Ive been with my wife since 2006. Shes my sexy Asian babe. (Yeah, Im that white guy who married an Asian womanIm a stereotype, but she isnt.) In the bedroom, its great. Im still madly in love with her two kids later, and shes as sexy as ever. But she doesnt like to give blowjobsalways been this way. When we were dating, shed say I could go get blowjobs from someone else, but I always took it as a joke. At 35, Im hornier than I was at 25. And my sexual tastes have changed over the yearsor theyve expanded, maybe, since I now want to see what its like to get head from a guy. How do I convince my wife to agree to this? Shes afraid I might like it; I obviously hope I do. Theres nothing I want more than to get head on the way home and then be able to tell her about it and fuck her later that night. How can I convince her to let me do this while also being able to tell her about it and be truthful?
Horny Married Man
A: Im not lumping your question together with AMWFs in order to create some sort of hot-for-Asians-themed column. No, Im including your letterwhich arrived the same daybecause it illustrates a point Booster made in his response to AMWF: Full-grown adults are out here discovering theyre bi every damn day, as he said, and youre apparently one of them.
I can only assume that by shes afraid I might like it, you mean youve already asked the wife and she said no. You can ask againmaybe shell change her mindbut if the answer is still no, HMM, then the answer is still no. Maybe if this were a sexual adventure you could go on together, it might be more appealing to the wife. And it is, because just as there are dudes out there who love blowing straight married men, there are dudes who are up for blowing straight married men in front of their wives. So if you havent already proposed doing this in the context of a hot sexual encounter with a bi guy whod also be into your wife, maybe you should.
As for your label, there are straight guys out there who can close their eyes and think about women while dudes blow them, i.e., straight guys capable of making the mouth-is-a-mouth leap. But youre turned on not just by the idea of getting an enthusiastic blowjob, youre specifically into the idea of getting one from a dude. That does make you bi, HMM, but for marketing purposes? Yeah, youre going to want to go with straight.
On the Lovecast: Musical-theater nerds rejoice, its Andrew Rannells! Listen at savagelovecast.com.