Not Good for Nothing Quiz

“Only a good-for-nothing is not interested in his past.” — Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis BY JIM WELP Illustrations by Brian Orms

Official Rules for the LEO 2005 Not-Good-For-Nothing Quiz 1. The contest runs from Wednesday, Jan. 4, 2006 through Monday, Jan. 9, 2006. All entries must be submitted via www.leoweekly.com, by 5 p.m. on Monday, Jan. 9. Entries received after the deadline don’t count and will be taped to our front window for public ridicule.

2. Only one answer is allowed per question. Multiple answers don’t count.

3. Entries must include participant’s name, address and daytime phone number. An e-mail address, if available, is also suggested with the entry. Entries without name, address and phone number don’t count.

4. Only one submission allowed per person.

5. Winners will be chosen in a random drawing from all entries with the most correct answers. LEO will notify winners via phone or e-mail on Jan. 10, and identify winners in our Jan. 11 issue. Correct answers will be published on Jan. 11.

6. The prizes: $50 gift certificate to Lilly’s restaurant and two tickets to Art Garfunkel at The Palace; $25 gift certificate to Mitchell’s Fish Market and two tickets to The Louisville Orchestra’s production of “Winter Dreams”; and two tickets to Actors Theatre of Louisville’s production of “I am My Own Wife.”

7. LEO is not responsible for entries that are late, misdirected, lost, garbled, incoherent or otherwise unintelligible, including any caused by computer or network malfunction or congestion (including at LEO). Such entries don’t count.

8. Play hard and have fun.

2005: Whoa! What a year. The world was plagued by war, disease, terrorism, catastrophic natural disasters — and Tom Delay’s weirdly chipper mug shot. Closer to home, the governor and attorney general kept us entertained with a yearlong catfight over political patronage. And Louisvillians clashed over bridges, a new basketball stadium and smoking in public.

But it wasn’t all bad: The Cards made the Final Four; the slumbering American populace showed signs of waking up; Muhammad Ali brought a message of justice, hope and compassion to town; and Jesus still loves us all, despite what his followers say. All in all, 2005 was sort of like last week’s lunch at Arby’s: pretty unhealthy and with a weird aftertaste, but hey, it went down and it stayed down. So, now that it’s mercifully over, let’s test your 2005 ADHD quotient.

Our World and Nation 1. Scientists believe the hurricanes that bitch-slapped America all year long are the result of what controversial phenomenon? A. Intelligent Design B. Global Climate Change C. Bears D. Look, we scientists really don’t know what the hell’s going on. Next season, there might not be any hurricanes. Or they might spin backwards. Or maybe they’ll pop up in Montana. The truth is, we’re really just guessing. Somebody started this whole weather forecasting thing and everybody bought into it and, well, here we are. We really couldn’t tell you for sure if it’s going to snow tonight, let alone why there are suddenly so many hurricanes. We’re sorry. We suck. Please forgive us. And thanks for listening. It’s great getting that off our chests.

2. Which of the following people will go to hell? A. Former FEMA director Michael Brown B. Vice President Dick Cheney C. Former WHAS schtup-and-tell radio personality John Ziegler D. Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove E. Mountaintop-removal-mining advocate Bill Caylor F. None of the above G. All of the above

3. President Bush interrupted one of his Texas vacations to make a late-night dash to: A. Washington, to take over the reins of government when Vice President Dick Cheney was briefly hospitalized. B. Ben & Jerry’s, for a double scoop of Iraqi Road. C. New Orleans, to personally supervise the recovery efforts following that day’s levy breech caused by Hurricane Katrina, which left 1,300 people dead, 6,600 people unaccounted for, and more than one million people homeless. D. Washington, to sign into law legislation transferring to federal jurisdiction the case of Terri Schiavo, a Florida woman in a “persistent vegetative state,” who had been kept alive on a feeding tube for 15 years.

Match the newsmaker name to his identity. 4. W. Mark Felt 5. Hugo Chavez 6. Joseph Ratzinger 7. John Roberts

A. The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, a man who rivals Sen. Mitch McConnell as the absolute maestro of talking but saying nothing. B. The non-porn Deep Throat C. The president of Venezuela who called President Bush pendejo; Pat Robertson wants to assassinate him. D. Promising to put the fun back in fundamentalism, he is Pope Benedict XVI.

8. What does pendejo mean in English? A. Capitalist swine B. Drinking buddy C. Asshole D. Double Stuft Cheesy Gordita

9. True of false: It’s been less than a year since George W. Bush started his second term as president.

10. What did former First Lady Barbara Bush say about Hurricane Katrina victims housed at the Houston Astrodome that got her in hot water? A. “If I were in their shoes, I’d get a massage and a nice Merlot, and have my chef make foie gras. Comfort food really is what they need.” B. “I’m sorry, but I’m simply not a hollaback girl.” C. They “were underprivileged anyway, so this — this is working very well for them.” D. “Oh, those poor, dear negroes.” E. “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinski.”

11. A controversial cloning pioneer and stem-cell scientist resigned after he admitted using eggs from workers in his own lab and from paid donors. What is his hilarious name? A. Hu Leh Dhogzout B. Dick Lugar C. Howie Felterboob D. Hwang Woo-suk

12. Who said, “… the future of democracy and ordered liberty actually depends on the outcome of this struggle.” A. Tom Cruise’s character, opening up a can of whoop-ass on tri-pod, earth-invading aliens in the Spielberg remake of “War of the Worlds.” B. President George W. Bush, defending the Iraq war in the face of an extended “peace camp” outside his Texas ranch led by antiwar whoop-ass can opener Cindy Sheehan. C. Albert Mohler, president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, opening up a can of whoop-ass on a perceived liberal bias in the federal courts at “Justice Sunday,” an event at Louisville’s Highview Baptist Church. D. Louisville Metro Councilman Kelly Downard, candidate for mayor, opening up an Altoid-tin of wishful thinking on Mayor Jerry Abramson.

Our Fair City and State 13. Weary of last season’s look, Louisville is angling for an extreme makeover. The city wants to build A. a bridge B. a basketball stadium C. another bridge D. a 100-mile circle of parkland around the city E. another basketball stadium F. a big ol’ barn full of chain restaurants and bars downtown called “Guthrie Street Live!” G. a third bridge H. a 100-square-mile blanket of basketball stadiums and chain barns connected by bridges and parks. I. A, B and D. J. A, B and C. K. A, B, C and D L. A, B, C, D and G

14. Doug Doerting is A. a Shelbyville man who stayed inside a McDonald’s restaurant and ate until he was so obese he couldn’t get out. B. a married Episcopal priest who was allowed to convert to Catholicism and is in line to become the Louisville Archdiocese’s first married Catholic priest, with the Vatican’s blessing to continue doing The Nasty. C. a whistleblower in the Transportation Cabinet whose accusations launched the Fletcher administration merit-system scandal investigation. D. a jockey who vomited himself to death in a constant battle to keep his weight down.

15. Who said, “New Zealand, Morocco, Bahamas, Spain, Mexico, Caribbean — all pale in comparison to Louisville, Kentucky”? A. Mayor Jerry Abramson, on $3 Jager Bomb Night at Red Cheetah Lounge B. Former President Bill Clinton, getting a little carried away at the grand opening of the Ali Center C. Orlando Bloom, one of the stars of the movie “Elizabethtown,” speaking about filming in Louisville D. Celebrity redneck Kid Rock, at the Derby-eve Barnstable Brown party E. Yum! Chairman and CEO David Novak, speaking about the willingness of residents in various places to eat fried chicken daily

16. Which of the following Louisville restaurants continues to allow smoking because of a loophole in the city’s anti-smoking law? A. Hooters, which gained permission after turning the thermostat way down in City Hall and bringing in their servers to ask nicely. B. The Bristol Bar and Grille because the weed blowing in off Bardstown Road totally covers up the tobacco smoke. C. Brutus’ Kill ’n’ Grill, because “we’d like to see ya come over here and TRY to put out our cigarettes.” D. Marlborocharley’s. E. A and B F. None of the above

17. What was unexpectedly discovered to be one of the city’s largest sources of highly toxic air pollution? A. Clear Channel Radio B. Louisville International Airport C. The collective socks of the city’s teenage boys D. A microscopic, dense mass of evil — so highly concentrated that not even light can escape its gravitational pull — that inhabits a crusty, black boil on the putrid soul of Sen. Dan Seum (R—38th district) E. Southeast Christian Church 18. “Noodling” is: A. Bim Dietrich’s new downtown restaurant B. Catching fish barehanded C. Tossing cooked spaghetti onto the fridge to see if it’s al dente D. A form of sex popular at Tinseltown E. Equivalent to political patronage, according to Gov. Fletcher, when it’s done out of season F. $50 during happy hour at Fellatiocharley’s G. A and B H. A and C I. B and E

19. Which of the following improbable events actually happened? A. A celebrated man of letters died and was memorialized by having his cremains blasted out of a 150-foot cannon decorated with a dagger blade and topped by a fist clutching a peyote button. B. Amid a climate of Christian extremism and moral one-upsmanship, Louisville began allowing package liquor sales on Sunday. C. Kentucky jacked up cigarette taxes 31 cents per pack. D. A famous anti-establishment black man with an Islamic name came to town and everybody was basically pretty happy about it. E. The Metropolitan Sewer District began marketing composted human poop for fertilizing food crops under the brand name “Louisville Green.” F. Kentucky’s 37th district went unrepresented in the General Assembly for the entire year because the district elected somebody from Indiana. G. C, D and F H. A, B, C and F I. A, B, C, D, E and F. J. A, B, C, D and E.

20. Who said, “I’m advocating that people defend themselves and survive?” A. University of Kentucky basketball superfan Ashley Judd, after the Wildcats gave up 41 points in the first half against Michigan State in the NCAA tournament. B. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, advocating “enhanced interrogation techniques” (formerly known as “torture”) as a way to combat “enemies of the legitimate Iraqi Government” (formerly known as “insurgents”) in the “global struggle against violent extremism” (formerly known as the “war on terror”). C. Phillip Bailey, University of Louisville student and chairman of the school’s Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, defending himself after making comments perceived to be threatening to President Bush in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. D. Attorney-chubster Darryl Isaacs, the Heavy Hitter.

Media in the Metro & Beyond 21. Which of the following was the biggest media atrocity of 2005? A. New York Times reporter Judith Miller says she is “deeply sorry” for writing stories about Iraq and weapons of mass destruction — stories that helped turn popular opinion in favor of the war — that turned out to be wrong. B. The Republican-dominated board of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting pushes a conservative agenda on NPR and PBS and launches a political witch-hunt aimed at reporters Bill Moyers and Diane Rehm. CPB board chair Kenneth Tomlinson resigns amid allegations of corruption. C. The Plamegate investigation reveals that the Times’ Miller co-conspired with “Scooter” Libby, her source on Valerie Plame. The Times forces Miller to resign. D. “Daily Show”-designated “Douchebag of Liberty” Robert Novak, who was the first to report Valerie Plame’s identity, suffers no consequences for the unconscionable act, but flips out and walks off the set of CNN’s “Inside Politics.” E. Bush administration insider Bob Woodward denies knowledge of the Plame scandal, then later claims he knew about it before any other journalist and apologizes to his Washington Post readers for concealing crucial information. F. The U.S. military pays for positive coverage of the war in the Iraq media. G. Bill O’Reilly. H. The obsessive-compulsive, wall-to-wall, cable-news coverage of Terri Schiavo, Michael Jackson, Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton during a year when millions died of AIDS and 20,000 people died every DAY of starvation worldwide. I. OK, OK, we get it — the media is a mess. Please, quit listing stuff!

22. Which of the following was not a front-page headline in St. Matthews’ Voice-Tribune: A. “THANK GOD — When founding our country, the framers affirmed the right to — and need for — religious observation.” B. “NOT A BLACK AND WHITE ISSUE: Putting an end to Derby cruising on West Broadway is not synonymous with white oppression.” C. “THE ANTI-STEALTH NOMINEE — Alito’s judicial experience and conservative credentials make him a good choice for high court.” D. “VICTORY IN IRAQ — War mostly won, with only a handful of Muslims left to convert.”

23. Who is Craig Newmark? A. The host of “Relics” on WFPK-FM. B. Host of “Newmark My Word!,” a WAVE-3 half-hour, investigative show where he dresses like a gumshoe and reports stories like “Eye Blinking: Handy Eye-Moisturizing Technique or Silent Killer?” and “Infants: They’re Not As Cute As They Seem.” C. Founder of Craig’s Kids, a reality TV program that provides unattractive children with cosmetic surgery. D. Creator of Craig’s List, an Internet classified-ad service that — along with blogs, the 24-hour news cycle and Jon Stewart — is widely believed to be slowly killing print journalism.

24. Which Louisville lovebirds called it quits in 2005? A. Former U of L basketball coach Denny Crum and former Fox 41 anchor Susan Sweeney Crum B. WAVE-3 morning anchor Carrie Weil and WAVE-3 meteorologist Kevin Harned C. WAVE-3 anchor Dawne Gee and restaurant entrepreneur Dizzy Whiz D. Sen. Mitch McConnell and U.S. Labor Secretary Elaine Chao E. Human cartoon Terry Meiners and U of L basketball coach Rick Pitino

25. True or false: Despite being convicted for conspiracy, obstruction of justice and lying to federal prosecutors; despite serving five months in prison and five months of home confinement; despite being fined $30,000; despite being forced out of her company; and being sued by Kmart, Martha Stewart’s net worth after her prison sentence was just as high as when she went in.

That was Entertainment & Art 26. Who said, “We are Simpsons. We take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’.”? A. Cartoon TV dad Homer, after an accident at the nuclear power plant turned all of Springfield’s inhabitants into glowing lollypops. B. Acquitted murderer O.J., after his daughter Sydney — who was arrested for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest — revealed that her nickname for her father is “Killer.” C. Celeb dad Joe, after his talentless daughter Ashlee accidentally swallowed — and subsequently recovered — a $20,000 Patek Philippe wristwatch. D. Celeb dad Joe, upon the occasion of his serial-dingbat daughter Jessica’s famous separation from chronic frat-boy Nick Lachey.

27. Singer and Mr. Potato Head impersonator Michael Jackson was acquitted of what charges? A. Driving while white B. Making shitty music C. Child molestation and providing alcohol to a minor D. Plagiarizing the music of a Beaver Lick, Kentucky, man for his 2001 song, “The Lost Children” E. Not having gone away yet

28. Who took to the streets, chanting, “Two, four, six, eight, we really must accumulate!” A. The cast of “Desperate Housewives” in an all-musical episode. B. Cartoon fat cells on the butts of McDonald’s customers in an episode of South Park. C. A group of demonstrators dressed as businessmen mocking G8 world leaders at the Live 8 anti-poverty concert in Edinburgh, Scotland. D. Wal-Mart shoppers, supporting the retail giant after a year of negative press. E. The employees of the Public Radio Partnership on the last day of fall pledge drive.

Match the quote to the group or person. 29. “A kitten on fire. A baby in a blender. Both sound as sweet as a night of surrender.” 30. “What Madonna said really helped. She said: ‘Boy — you better learn to express yourself!’” 31. “You’ve got to want to rearrange and keep it off the record, off the record.”

A. My Morning Jacket B. Paris Hilton C. Karl Rove

That’s Sporting 32. Facing a 13-point half-time deficit against West Virginia in the NCAA regional finals, what did University of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino say to motivate his team? A. “Fellas, c’mon, we’re getting Pittsnogled out there!” B. “We will definitely win this game. I see it. I know it.” C. “OK, what I saw out there in the first half was Chef Boyardee. In the second half, I want to see more of a Porcini’s cappelini con pesce with a nice Antinori Solaia.” D. “Go Cards, Go Krogering!”

33. The 2005 Kentucky Derby winner was named for: A. Former U-of-L basketball announcer Jock Sutherland. B. The 9-year-old son of rock star Sting. C. The late Alexandra Scott, a young girl who sold lemonade to raise money for pediatric cancer research. D. Giacomocharley’s, a popular restaurant chain in Italy and Ireland.

34. What controversial proposal rocked Kentucky high school athletics? A. All basketball players must wear form-fitting shorts. B. All public-school games must begin with a prayer. C. Catholic school kids must play football with one hand tied behind their backs. D. Separate post-season tournaments for gay students. E. Separate post-season tournaments for private schools.

35. Increasingly, TV and radio advertisers pay sports announcers to humiliate themselves by naming products while calling the action. Spot the fake mid-game ads: A. The Dunkin Donuts Dunk of the Game B. The Ford Drive of the Game C. The Kenyon Eye Center What Are You Freakin’ Blind, He SO Double Dribbled, How Could You Not SEE That? Instant Replay D. The Leatherman Spine Center Injury Timeout E. The Pizza Hut Delivery of the Game F. The Cialis Come-From-Behind Victory G. A, B and E H. B, D and E I. C, D and F

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