Look here you fucking dum-dums, when I hear you say things like “What is Louis C.K. supposed to do for a living now? Starve?” I hear what you’re really saying, and what you’re really saying is you got fired from your job for sniffing a coworkers hair because you’re a gross, disgusting monstrosity who should have never been born in the first place, but here we are now, and this Louis shit is hitting too close to home for you, because, ever since you got axed for being a perv, you’re not sure how you’re gonna feed your cat, Tabitha, who you named after your coworker because you fucking suck at all things in life you fucking creep show you!
And if I see one more of your kind trying to equate what Louis did to Pee Wee Herman’s woes and tribulations from back in the day, I’m gonna go berserk! Pee Wee was straight up inside a designated jack-off station that got raided by some puritan police officers. It was a total hit job!
See there was a time in this country when sad lonely weirdos had only two options when it came to yanking on the goose neck — you could take a naughty magazine deep into the woods and beat your meat while sitting on a log as ants and gnats fought each other while trying to gain access to your exposed butthole, or you could do what Mr. Herman did and make for an adult film theater, which, for all you young hipster trash people out there, was a lot like a normal movie theater except the floor was more sticky... the whole joint smelled bad like a dude named Harold, and you were forced to somehow become aroused to the complete awfulness that was Ron Jeremy.
It was a real bad scene! A total shitshow!
Not like how you dorks have it today, sitting in the comfort of your modern condos on a ball-chair fapping your hours away with a Fleshlight to high definition, 1080-resolution, 3D, CGI, animatronic dinosaurs Bigfoot pornography with zoom in slow motion capabilities, and subtitled for the hearing impaired. You’re basically living in paradise compared to the masturbatory wasteland Pee Wee Herman had to endure for decades, decades, I tell you! Also Pee Wee wasn’t hurting nobody... He didn’t hold people hostage while he flogged the dolphin the way Louis did. (Don’t you dare give me that “but Louis asked if he could!” You ask a person for a stick of gum, not if you can whip your dong out, you filthy fucking animals. Have you no respect for others? For yourself?)
“So when should Louis be allowed to once again take to the stage and grace us with his insightful funnies?” you may be asking yourself, and I don’t know. How about never, ever sounds like a good time to me. ‘Cause think about it — how old is Louis, like 60? Does anyone really wanna hear a 60-year-old man tell dick jokes, regardless of his past awful behavior? Hell, it’s 2018 — does anyone wanna hear what an old man has to say about anything? Just look at our cretin of a president and the endless stream of bullshit that comes tumbling out of his dumb ass cracker mouth!
