2014, the year in preview

Dec 30, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Thanks to Google Street View’s new Higgs Boson plug-in, I’ve been able to explore the future, and I can now divulge what to expect in 2014. Here’s a sneak peek:

In January, seven senators, three governors and six mayors tweet selfies of their private parts. None resign and one will go on to become candidate for vice president in 2024 (but she will lose to an all-Mormon ticket). Colorado becomes the first state to legalize medical meth. Pope Francis issues the first all-Twitter papal encyclical.

In February, Google releases Google Bra, a camera-equipped bra that sends video signals to the wearer’s Google glasses, enabling many women to make eye contact with men for the first time. Mayor Fischer announces a new manufacturing plant in Louisville, which will manufacture clever names for new bourbon-related businesses.

In March, Jennifer Lawrence sharts during an Oscar speech and describes it to the audience, who respond with a 10-minute standing ovation. Iran signs an historic trade agreement with the United States to supply pet space monkeys to millionaire SpaceX tourists. A University of Kentucky fan burns down six Lexington blocks in a tragic couch-fire accident.

In April, GlaxoSmithKline releases Nonnui, an anti-boredom medication that gives patients the stimulating sensation of narrowly escaping a terror attack and being interviewed about it by Charlie Rose. In a secret recording, Mitch McConnell is overheard trying to buy black-market space monkeys from Iran, sell them to China and use the profits to fund a coup attempt in Venezuela. A freak east-to-west storm blows produce from Paul’s Markets into Louisville’s food deserts and gives WDRB meteorologist Marc Weinberg a visible, on-air erection.

In May, Obamacare signs up its 15 millionth customer, who immediately travels to Thailand for hip-replacement surgery. Six more states legalize gay marriage, just in time for the June wedding season. The Koch brothers buy Wyoming and flip it to Canada for a 1,000-percent profit. Oregon becomes the first state to legalize medical crack.

In June, Rand Paul plagiarizes from “The Autobiography of Malcolm X” at a fundraiser in Iowa. Pope Francis tweets the papal encyclical “Euge Contego,” which roughly translates as “Hurrah Rubbers!” Pfizer announces Huxtaffect, a medication that makes your family seem as clever and talented as the Huxtables on “The Cosby Show.”

In July, astronomers discover life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. Thousands of destitute people flock to the 2014 Homelessarama showcase under the Kennedy Bridge to get refrigerator-box decorating tips. In a bold counter-attack, The Courier-Journal hires The Snow Fox away from WDRB, but the effort backfires when it turns out to be a mangy coyote with a cocaine habit. Congressman John Yarmuth suffers a head injury at the Schnitzleburg Dainty Contest and joins the NRA.

In August, Bravo dominates the ratings with its reality series, “The Real Housewives of Europa.” At the MTV music awards, Miley Cyrus is upstaged by a brash upstart who performs a hip-hop aria while getting a pap smear from R. Kelly. Pope Francis offers six months of free Netflix to lapsed Catholics who rejoin the church.

In September, a botched drone attack kills hundreds of innocent civilians on Europa. In response to an Edward Snowden leak, NSA officials admit the agency keeps a database of every American’s masturbation history called O-Facebook. H&M acquires NuLu’s Flea Off Market and outsources all hipster T-shirt production to a sweatshop in Bangladesh.

In October, Middlin’ Magazine names Louisville “Best place to live in a run-of-the-mill American city and feel OK about it.” Elon Musk announces plans to end poverty for a day by giving everybody $35 and a gift card to Chili’s. Novartis releases Undo, a pill that gives patients the ability to take back their past seven social blunders.

In November, Mayor Fischer announces citywide implementation of free, high-speed Internet via Google Fiber, but he accidentally signs up for Google Dietary Fiber, which simply makes citizens poop regularly. His approval ratings soar. With the Yum! Center in bankruptcy, Gov. Beshear converts it into the world’s largest drive-thru KFC.

In December, Senator-elect Alison Lundergan Grimes announces her position on announcing her positions on the issues, revealing she is against it. Pope Francis taps Questlove to curate the music at Christmas Mass at the Vatican. With recreational weed legal nationwide and a rapidly aging population, America officially moves New Year’s celebrations from midnight to 4:20 p.m.