Here's What We’d Replace Horses With If We Controlled The Kentucky Derby

By Caleb Stultz on Thu, Apr 18, 2024 at 4:07 pm

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Horses are iconic to the Downs, but what if another animal was to race?

As the 150th Kentucky Derby comes just around the corner, we thought it would be fun to list 10 animals we think could replace the iconic horses that have made their way around the track 149 times before.

Here are our picks for what we would replace horses with in the Kentucky Derby.

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Snappy Ann | Flickr

1. Dachshunds

Who says we need jockeys to have a fun derby? There are already Doxy Derbies happening in the same city as the Kentucky Derby, so why not just bring it to the main stage? Dachshunds, known colloquially as “weenie dogs,” with their stout, long bodies, could easily take the spot of horses to give them a break this year. They’re fast and so lovable to see moving swiftly around the track.

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Doug88888 | Flickr

2. Ostriches

Okay, okay we get it. It’s not a derby without the riders. So, instead of a four-legged animal around the track, why not just two? These flightless birds get up to 43 miles per hour (I actually can’t believe they go that fast), and could easily make it around the bend at break-neck pace to secure some pretty fast times at The 150th Kentucky Derby. See, we can play along, right?

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AnimalDay.org | Flickr

3. Bulls

Tell me you wouldn’t watch this. The level of precision the riders would need to control a bull on a track like Churchill Downs would make for an insane scene. But think of the names you could have for these guys. Red Ruckus? China Shop? Tea With Princess? Just a laundry list to go through to bet on these forces of nature.

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Megumi Sasaki | Flickr

4. Elephants

They’re big, they’re surprisingly fast (25 miles per hour, what?), and they already have such an imprint around the world. They’re certainly not horses, but these heavy hitters could make The Kentucky Derby a lot louder with the slamming of their feet.

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Sharon Mollerus | Flickr

5. Bears

From here on out jockeys are either optional or flat out impossible for races on this list, but this is definitely the line. Bears have bigger bodies but can move a lot faster than many think, getting up to 30 miles per hour (I’m no longer surprised). Sharing dog DNA, bears could seriously be considered a racing animal if trained properly, plus they have just the most lovable faces to headline the derby!

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Basgroove | Flickr

6. Roosters

We are now entering the realm of impossibility for riders, but fun races nonetheless. The funny strut of roosters makes it beat out their hen counterparts for a spot on this list. Roosters have a general aura about them that is almost indescribable, but would make for a great race around a possibly shortened track.

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Andy L | Flickr

7. Pigs

And as riders can no longer take on the track, let’s also make sure the animals themselves are able to make it around the track. It’s time to shorten this thing down or else people who bet on races will have to stick around at Churchill Downs for a week just to see if they won. Let’s face it: Pigs are great. They’re tasty, they’re cute, and there’s something about them that makes you wonder who in their right mind would want to see them race? It’s us. We want to see them race.

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Flying Cloud | Flickr

8. Kangaroos

Forget running, why not hop? The best way to make sure animals don’t get injured is to let them jump to the finish at their own pace. Less moral gray area, more fun. Plus, have you seen a Kangaroo up close? Their long faces have a slight resemblance to horses anyway, so why not trade them out for this year’s race?

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Ulrika | Flickr

9. Cheetahs

Now we’re getting somewhere. You thought horses would go quick? Send out these beasts and see them dart around the track before you can blink. There’s no need to shorten the track with these animals. In fact, there may need to be an extension just so people don’t think they’ve wasted their money on seeing a race that went too fast.

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