What a Week

Apr 4, 2006 at 7:43 pm

Texas tea
The steady gurgle of cash bubbling from consumers’ pockets into Big Energy’s bank accounts continued unabated in DubyaDick’s Merka. Gasoline prices lurched higher an inexplicable 40 cents per gallon, just in time for locals to begin their SUV parade down I-65 to the Redneck Riviera. Meanwhile, natural gas rates tumbled 30 percent after a winter of pain, just in time for air-conditioning season.

It was a nice try, though
Former Indiana congressman and 9/11 Commission vice-chairman Lee Hamilton popped into town to remind us that — while we’re all jabbering around the water cooler about whether Meredith will hook up with McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy” — terrorists are still making plans to blast our internal organs out of our nostrils. After listening to Hamilton describe the incompetent Katrina response as an example of how prepared our government is for a major disaster and how vulnerable we are to nuclear terrorism and how we might want to think about launching a war on cluelessness, Louisville’s briefly alarmed citizens returned to their couches to catch up with Agent Jack Bauer on “24.”

b bak l8tr 2 arrest u ;-)
Several Lexington police officers got in hot water for comments they made on MySpace.com — comments that disparaged gay people, the mentally retarded, the “snobby people of Lexington” and country star John Michael Montgomery, whom one of them had recently busted for DWI. The nabs dished about arrests they’d made and generally made fools of themselves and their department on MySpace, which is typically reserved for teenagers and their stalkers. The officers — one of whose MySpace profile included “I came from the factory with all the holes I need” under the “Piercings” category — face suspension or termination, whereupon they should have plenty of time to wank online all they want.

Hoosiers trick God, selves
For the first time in several decades, all of Indiana switched to Daylight Savings Time. Time has long been a challenge for Indiana, which until this year chose to obey the laws of nature by staying on “slow,” or “mentally challenged” time. Over the years, Indiana has experimented with local time, central time, uniform time and Miller Time, wreaking havoc on businesses, schools and livestock throughout the land. The new system is wildly unpopular among some western counties, where people find digital alarm clocks particularly difficult to set. There are currently no plans for Indiana to join the rest of the country in Daylight Savings Century.