Archdiocese to implement gaydar
The Louisville Archdiocese admitted it’s not sure how to comply with a Vatican document barring priests with “deep-seated homosexual tendencies.” In the absence of a litmus test, the Archdiocese said it would run background checks to screen out men who know the difference between mousse and styling foam, and those who know their bed sheets’ thread count.
Speaking of deep seats
News from the big-butt beat: Standard hypodermic needles are no longer long enough to reach into the butt muscles of the world’s ever-widening cheeks. In a recent study, two-thirds of patients did not receive the full dosage of a drug because the needle wasn’t long enough to reach the muscle, while fully 100 percent of researchers said, “Hey, how’d I get stuck with this study?”
Uranus was already taken
The parent company of Louisville Gas & Electric changed the name of LG&E Energy to “e.on us.” A company official explained the name is a better fit because, like your monthly energy bill, it makes no sense whatsoever.
Bust a hood
Metro Police launched a mesmerizing Web site — lmpdasap.com — containing videos of robberies it hopes the community can help solve. The videos not only help identify robbers, they also vividly show what kind of punk-ass, gun-wielding creeps bank and store clerks — and police — have to deal with. Check it out and see if you can finger a perp, most of whom also commit crimes of fashion (the hoodie is very popular with hoodlums). Police, meanwhile, might want to train some Web cams on, um, the hoosegow, where Metro Corrections accidentally let another indicted hoodlum walk out the door for the third time this year.
It’s catching
Hillary Clinton spoke at a Democrat fundraiser in Louisville. Kentucky is now a liberal state. Because that shit totally rubs off.
Driving while young
State Rep. Tom Burch has proposed legislation requiring teen drivers to hold a six-month “intermediate” driver’s license before graduating to a full license. Such restrictions have been highly successful in other states, where teen accidents have dropped dramatically, making roads safer for the cell-phone-talking, hate-radio-listening, cosmetics-applying, whisker-shaving SUV-perched adults on the road.
This article appears in December 7, 2005.