What a Week

Mar 7, 2006 at 9:04 pm

Zealot Watch
Barren County Attorney Jeff Sharp sent a survey to all Kentucky legislators and legislative candidates asking whether they’d accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior, causing a stampede of Yes votes not seen since the Do-You-Hate-Homos survey of 2004. Meanwhile, if you think Papa John Schnatter has some whacky ideas, put down your cheesy crust and stare in slack-jawed awe at Domino’s Pizza founder Thomas Monaghan, who is building an entire Florida town called Ave Maria based on strict Catholic principles. Monaghan, who sold the company several years back, originally declared that the new virginville would be free of condoms, birth control pills and pornography, but, when made aware that Florida is actually in America, he backed off that pledge and declared it would just be really, really virgin-y.

Candid Camm-era
After a deliberation that took a jury 44 hours to decide and blew a gaping hole in the adjectival budgets of local TV news sensationalists, former Indiana State Trooper David Camm was re-convicted of murdering his wife and two children. Camm (pronounced “Camm”) was originally convicted in 2002 and was found re-guilty on appeal, which he plans to appeal again, at which time he could be found really, really, totally double-dog guilty. Or maybe not.

South’s gonna do it again
A former Russell High School student settled out of court after suing the school district for barring her from her prom. The reason: she wore a prom dress made out of a confederate flag, which is a fashion infraction that is highly offensive to African Americans, the couture community and pretty much everybody with eyes. The girl claimed the district violated her right to celebrate her heritage of extreme redneckery. Details of the settlement were sealed but deemed hilarious.

This Week in Guns
Just when it seemed that every depraved Internet-based activity had been invented, along comes computer-aided remote hunting. With the click of a mouse, a “hunter” watching a Webcam can trigger a remote gun and blast remote furry critters to kingdom come, all without leaving the comfort of his brandy-soaked, antler-laden, bunny-wainscoted, 24K gilded e-den. State Rep. Robin Welch wants to ban the practice in Kentucky with House Bill 289, which will surely fail once it triggers the inevitable outcry from the ever-bloodthirsty Charlton-Heston-Is-My-President crowd.