What a Week

Mar 21, 2006 at 10:10 pm

A kick in the asphalt
Your federal government, rubber-stamper of corrupt lobbyists, crumbling infrastructure, theocracy, spying on citizens and a $6 billion-per-month preemptive quagmire, finally found a project too egregious to stomach: a shady asphalt deal. The Feds put the kibosh on an adorable, gee-I-wonder-who-thought-that-up Kentucky House budget provision that would have required all interstate-construction projects to use asphalt instead of concrete. The House softened the blow for the asphalt lobby by proposing a 10-mile-high, all-asphalt Ten Commandments monument.

Burnin’ down the house
An abandoned warehouse burst into flames on the western edge of downtown Louisville, resulting in what a majority of on-camera rubberneckers agreed was the “worst far in ages.” The five-alarm far drew most of Louisville’s farfighters, who safely extinguished the blaze, but not until after it caused several of the area’s TV reporters to say the word “telesquirt,” which is what those cool pump trucks that spritz water are called (and, coincidentally, also how Ken Schulz affectionately refers to Jay Cardosi). The blaze, which is under investigation, destroyed the warehouse and its only tenant, a private adult club that barely had time to advertise “the hottest girls in town” (so hot, in fact, that they might start a far).

Yo, Leeds: Lookin’ fine!
Leeds, England, joined Montpellier, France; Quito, Ecuador; Tamale, Ghana; Mainz, Germany; Perm, Russia; La Plata, Argentina; and Jiujiang, China, as a Louisville “Sister City.” Mayor Abramson led a delegation to Great Britain to celebrate the designation, which is intended to foster economic, educational and cultural exchanges, one of which is to let Leeds know that, being Kentuckians, we, well, actually, um, you know, French our sisters.

Secure the burgoo
A primary objective of state legislators is to piss in Louisville’s Cheerios each session, and this General Assembly is no exception. And what better way to say “drop dead” than to withhold Homeland Security funds? This year, the Kentucky House allocated about $41 million to hundreds of Homeland Security projects in 61 counties, but did not fund Louisville’s planned emergency radio system. A peeved Mayor Abramson pledged to find the money elsewhere, which allowed the House to focus its priorities on more urgent matters, like House Resolution 107, which names Daviess County the mutton and burgoo capital not of just Kentucky, but the entire world. No, really.