This week our curmudgeonly British chaps take on the sewer rate hike and Louisville City… er, football

I’m going to tell you what one of the weirdest things about Louisville is.

Oh, joy. Your ill-informed opinion. Here’s what I find weird: You’ve lived here nearly a decade, and nobody has kicked your teeth in.

Your charm may work on Americans, but it won’t work on me. One of the weirdest things here is MSD. Nowhere on earth is the local sewage facility more high profile than it is in Louisville. The chief executive can get his name splashed across the front page of the paper and he doesn’t even need an introduction. It’s bonkers.

Granted, it is a little odd. But call me old fashioned — I count myself as someone who’s quite keen on sewage being looked after.

Come off it, surely you aren’t going to defend this 20-percent MSD rate hike? It’ll harm all Louisville’s residents and businesses. An extra hundred bucks a year on top of last year’s raise, and for what?

Look, I know some Brits look back on chucking their shit out the window into the street every morning with wistful affection — but then they also look back at invading sovereign nations with a similar nostalgia. I’ll repeat, just so it penetrates your thick loaf, that I enjoy living in places with clean water, functioning bogs, and well-maintained sewers.

Don’t take my opposition to raising rates as a sign that I enjoy the company of sewage any more than I enjoy your company. However, MSD the corporation, or quasi-government agency, or whatever it is, spends a vast amount on things like marketing, despite being a natural monopoly. Look at its 2016 budget: half a million on branding. Yet it has virtually no competition. It’s not like you can buy a house and say, “You know what, I’ll look after my own sewage, thank you very much.”

Well, actually you can, but it wouldn’t be like you to let facts get in the way. I’ll defend MSD’s apparent profligacy. First off, given its size and importance, half-a-bar to reach its audience is peanuts. Second, “branding” covers a lot of stuff, from business cards to outdoor boards to websites — and most of that goes towards printing and running the work. And third, MSD has to get out ahead of the negative stuff they have to deal with — which, frankly, isn’t their fault; they inherited this poxy infrastructure. People need to realize that civilized living isn’t free.

But come on, 20 percent? Surely the Metro cCouncil will reject such abhorrent and counterproductive greed.

The sewers here are ancient. An extra hundred bucks a year to rebuild the system is a bargain. Besides, not everyone’s out to make a buck. MSD’s a non-profit, so everything they bring in has to go towards operations. Nobody’s getting rich off these increases. That said, the odds are that Metro Council’ll make them back off a bit, as they always do.

Ask for more than you think you need, and then look magnanimous when you settle for less. There’s that branding again. Still weird that MSD has such a high profile. For all of that pizazz, you’d think the water tasted better here or something. At least we can take solace in the performance of our local football team.

I assume you’re talking about real football? Louisville City? I can’t sit through 90 minutes of that tosh, and I say that having lived and breathed football my whole life.

It’s less aggressive, and less energetic than its European equivalent, but more skillful. Personally, I like to see what players can do with the ball, rather than how they cope with getting chunks kicked out of them. An admirable lack of cheating and histrionics, too; the football on display is infinitely more honest than its European equivalent.

You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? If claiming that the appeal of the play here is that it’s “honest,” I’ll consider this argument a 6-0 drubbing. A good studs-up rake across the back of the calf never hurt anybody.

Unlike your team back home, Louisville City FC is a team that’s going in the right direction, which is up, in case you’d forgotten. Good manager, good players, good crowds. Everything Charlton doesn’t have. No wonder you’re so bitter about it.

All right. Let’s agree to call this match a draw before my inner hooligan kicks you in the bollocks.

This article appears in June 1, 2016.