Never Say Never: A Multiple Choice Exam
by Mary ODell
1. She was born into
a.) the Corleone family
b.) an all-girl orchestra
c.) a pygmy clan who bought the local movie theater
2. But from the time she was
a.) big enough to tap dance
b.) six months old
c.) accustomed to all that nonsense
3. She was aware shed become
a.) good at it
b.) so disillusion that she wanted to run for office
c.) a member of the opposite sex
4. And so she searched for meaning by
a.) joining a cult that worshipped ground turkey
b.) learning to macramé
c.) writing a Broadway Play
5. As a result, she knew
a.) none of that made sense
b.) that she was dyslexic
c.) shed developed a taste for rattlesnake meat
6. And with this knowledge, she could
a.) create one hell of a stir at the country club dance
b.) buy a race car
c.) develop a plan for world peace
7. But time passed, and she could never
a.) convince her mother she wasnt a whore
b.) get out of debt
c.) stop picking her nose
8. So she settled for
a.) marrying below her station
b.) starting a riot at St. Johns Cathedral
c.) wearing wax lips to her job at Macys
This article appears in January 28, 2015 (15751824).