We brought Savage Love Live to the Music Box Theatre in Chicago, the Barrymore Theatre in Madison, and the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis over three nights. As is always the case at live shows, the crowd had more questions than I could possibly answer in a single night. So in this weeks column, Im going to tear through some of the questions I wasnt able to get to.
Q: If you use food for vaginal play, is there any type you should definitely avoid?
A: Lasagna makes for a lousy insertion toy. (Food doesnt belong in vaginas; there could be bacteria on the food, even after washing, that results in a nasty infection. #FuckFirst #EatAfter)
Q: How do you feel about relationships that have a time frame or defined end point? For example, one person is going away for school or a new job?
A: Im fine about relationships with seemingly set end points, as relationships dont have to be open to or become long-term in order to be a success. (Did you meet a nice person? Did you have some good sex? Did you part on good terms? Success!) And the world is filled with couples that met at a time in their lives when school or work commitments meant they couldnt be togetherand yet, years or even decades later, theyre still together. You never know.
Q: Is it okay that I always seem to hate my partners mothers? Is this normal?
A: It isnt and its not. When youre the common denominator in a lot of high-stress, high-conflict relationships, youre most likely the problem.
Q: Why do straight guys like anal so much?
A: Superhero movies, bottled beer, watching sportsthere are lots of things straight guys like that I just dont get. But I get why they like anal: Done right, anal feels amazing. And not just for the person doing the penetrating. When its done right, it is also great for the person being penetrated. And sometimes the person being penetrated is a straight guy.
Q: After a year of dating, my boyfriend told me he is polyamorous. I dont know how to proceed. Any tips?
A: If he meant, Polyamory is my sexual orientation, and you have to allow me to date other people, and you cant break up with me over this because that would amount to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, thats bullshit and this relationship is over. But if he meant, Polyamory is a better relationship model for me than monogamy, thats not bullshit and the conversation is just getting started. If you prefer monogamy but youre willing to consider polyamory to be with him, i.e., if thats a price of admission youre willing to pay, it could work out. But if you arent open to polyamory, and monogamy isnt a price hes willing to pay to be with you, it wont work out.
Q: I work in secondary education and Im in an open marriage. My job is awesome, but Im so afraid of a student or a parent seeing me when Im out with a different partner. What should I do?
A: You could hope people would mind their own business and continue to make out in public with your other partnersor whatever it is youre doing in public that makes it clear youre fucking/dating someone who isnt your spouseor you could be discreet. Since antidiscrimination statutes dont offer protections to people in open relationships, and since people regularly freak out about teachers having sex at all, you really have no other choices besides discretion (when out with others) or shouldering the risk (of losing your job).
Q: My poly friend has started bringing her flavor-of-the-week partners to social events instead of her awesome wife. How do I tell her Id rather hang out with her and her wife than her and her (usually boring, always temporary) new fling?
A: Maybe your poly friends wife doesnt want to hang out with you. Wait, I can say that in a nicer way: Maybe your poly friends wife is an introvert who would rather stay home and shes only too delighted that the flavor-of-the-week is willing to escort her wife to the box social. But if you miss your friends wife, maybe give her a call and invite her to lunch?
Q: My former lover cheated on his current live-in girlfriend with me. She has no idea. Should I tell her what a narcissistic cheater her boyfriend is?
A: Vengeful former affair partners dont have much more credibility than narcissistic cheatersindeed, people view both with similar contempt. But you do you.
Q: My husband and I are swingers. For him, its who he is. For me, its something I do (and like!). We argue over how often we go out or have sex with other couples. Any suggestions for finding a happy medium?
A: More often than youd like, and less often than hed likecall it the bittersweet spot.
Q: What tips do you have for lesbians in long-term relationships who want to keep sex fun and interesting?
A: My advice for lesbians who want to keep their LTRs hot is the same as my advice for gays, straights, bis, etc. who want to keep theirs hot. At the start of the relationship, you were the adventure they were on, and they were the adventure you were on. Thats why it was so effortlessly hot at the start. But once youre not each others sexy new adventure anymoreonce youre an established coupleyou have to go find sexy adventures together to keep it hot. And that requires making a conscious effort. Explore your kinks, buy some sex toys, have sex someplace other than your bedroom, invite very special guest stars, etc.
Q: How do I create a sexier bedroom for even better sex?
A: Bedrooms are overrated, if you ask me (which you did), whereas basements, office stairwells, clean single-seat restrooms in upscale restaurants, dark corners of public parks, the space underneath banquet tables in hotel ballrooms, etc. are all underutilized.
Q: Im 99.975 percent sure I dont want kids. My boyfriend of almost four years has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the year. Should we go through with it? My boyfriend is really fucking sexy, hence the .025 percent doubt.
A: Vasectomies, like pregnancies, are reversible. Your boyfriend could also go to a sperm bank and put a load or three on ice.
Q: Female, 32, straight, and very pregnant. Im about to pop! Do you have any postpartum sex advice?
A: Explore outercourse for a while and try to have (or try to fake) a positive attitude about it.
Q: Your thoughts on transmasculine folks who dont necessarily identify as men using the word faggot?
A: Fine, so long as they put the emphasis on the second syllable.
Q: Can you explain why male chastity is such a popular kink? Im not offended by it, just curious about its sudden widespread popularity.
A: I think a big factor is that people are enjoying the heightened mental connections that tend to develop with chastity play, said Christopher of Steelwerks Extreme, makers of the Rolls-Royce of male chastity devices. Frequent business travel and long-distance relationships also make chastity an increasingly popular kink as the cage-wearer and key-holder can maintain a playful dynamic without needing to be in the same room.
Thanks to everyone who came to our live shows! Savage Love Live comes to Toronto and Somerville on October 11 and 12. For info and tickets go to savagelovecast.com/events.On the Lovecast, love your curvy body, with Elle Chase: savagelovecast.com.
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage