Q: I was involved with a straight man who enjoys cross-dressing and taking explicit photos. The problem is that the props he uses belong to his three children, all under age 12. For example, he dressed up as a slutty schoolgirl and wore his daughters backpack. He dressed up as a slutty cowgirl and posed with his sons stuffed horse. He even had the horse eating his carrot. I told him he should not use his childrens things as props. He believes that his children will never see the photos, so no harm will come of it. Im horrified at the thought of these kids (perhaps as adults) stumbling over these pictures. He posts them on Instagram and Facebook, so they arent private and he cant control where they go. Its one of the reasons I ended the relationship. Is there anything I can say to him?
Canceled Definitely Promising Relationship Over Photo Sessions
A: You told him what hes doing is wrong, you explained the enormous risk hes running, and you dumped him, CDPROPS. You could take one last run at it and try to explain that his children finding these photos isnt one of those low-risk, high-consequence events, i.e., something thats unlikely to happen but would be utterly disastrous if it did. (Think of the super volcano that is Yellowstone National Park erupting or a deranged, racist billionaire somehow managing to win a U.S. presidential election.) Nope, if hes posting these photos online, at least one of his children will stumble over themor one of their friends will. (Hey, isnt this your dad? And your backpack?) Your ex needs to knock this shit off, and will most likely need the help of a mental-health pro in order to do so.
Q: My parents were married for almost 40 yearsand on paper, things seemed fine. They rarely fought and were an example of a strong, monogamous marriage until the day my mother died. Recently, I found writings by my dad revealing he had several casual encounters with men over the course of their marriage. Do I tell him I know? We are close, but sex isnt something we usually discuss. What should I do with this information, if anything?
A Deeply Upsetting Lie That Scalds
A: When you say their relationship seemed fine on paper, ADULTS, what you mean is their relationship was decent and loving. Well, now you know it wasnt perfectbut no relationship is. Your mother is dead (Im sorry for your loss), and either she made peace with this fact about her husband long ago or she never knew about it. Either way, no good will come from confronting your father about the handful of dicks he sucked decades ago.
Q: Im a 47-year-old virgin straight man. What advice can you give me on losing my virginity?
Wanting And Hoping
A: There are lots of 40-year-old-and-up women out there who are virginsthey write in, tooso putting middle-aged virgin seeks same in your personal ad wouldnt be a bad idea. Find someone in your same situation, WAH, and treat her with kindness, gentleness, and patiencethe same as you would like to be treated.
Q: Im married and poly, with one partner in addition to my husband. My partner has a friend-with-benefits arrangement with a woman hes been with since before we met. The FWB is not poly, but shes always known my partner is. She has always insisted theyre not a couple, but he knows she would be hurt if she found out he was with someone else, so he has avoided telling her hes now also with me. I dont like being someones secret. My husband knows Im with someone else and is fine with it. If my partners FWB felt the same, I wouldnt see a problem. But this feels oddly like Im helping my partner cheat on his FWB, even though theyre not a couple (her words). So its not cheating is it?
Pretty Obviously Lost, Yeah
A: Its not cheatingits plausible deniability. Your partners FWB would rather not know hes seeing anyone else, so she doesnt ask him about his other partners and he doesnt tell. Accommodating his FWBs desire not to know about other partnersdoing the DADT open thingdoes mean keeping you a secret, POLY, at least from her. If youre not comfortable with that, youll have to end things with your partner.
Q: Im scared of two things. (1) Im scared that if I break up with my girlfriend of four years, I will be throwing away the best thing I will ever have because Im scared that I dont love her in the way she deserves (in the way people say you will just know about) or because we have normal relationship problems and both have our own mental-health issues. (2) Im also scared that if I dont break up with her, I am keeping her in a relationship that is not good because of my fear of never finding someone as good as her, and we would both actually be happier with someone else.
Scared Of Being Alone
A: 1. Nobody just knows, SOBA, and everyone has doubtsthats why commitments are made (consciously entered into) and are not some sort of romantic or sexual autopilot that kicks in when we meet the perfect person. We commit, and recommit, and forgive, and muddle throughbut when were asked about our relationships, we tend to lean on clichés like It was love at first sight, I just knew, The Oneclichés that often fill others with doubt about the quality of their relationships.
2. Get on iTunes and download the original Broadway cast recordings of Company, Follies, and A Little Night Music. Pay particular attention to Sorry-Grateful, The Road You Didnt Take, and Send in the Clowns.
Q: If I write you a letter asking for advice and dont want it published, even anonymously, will you answer?
Keeping It Confidential, Kay?
A: While I cant respond to every letter I receive, KICK, I do sometimes respond privately. Just one request: If you send a letter that you dont want published, please mention that at the start. I will frequently read an extremely long letterso long that I start making notes or contacting experts before I finish reading itonly to discover please dont publish this at the bottom. If a letter isnt for publication, please mention that at the beginning. I promise that doing so increases your chances of getting a private response.
This article appears in October 10, 2018.