Q: I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world! Im a woman whos very open-minded when it comes to trying new things: Ive had threesomes and foursomes, tried every toy on the market, done anal sex, BDSM and many other things. He is sexually experienced, but hes not open-minded. One thing he wont do is kiss me after Ive swallowed his load. Weve been together only four months, so maybe I just need to wait and hope that hell come around. Or is there something I can do to get him to try it?
Cant Unicorn Man Up?
A: If thats the only thing he wont do if every toy on the market is on the table, along with threesomes, foursomes, BDSM, etc. then hes pretty adventurous. But if kissing after youve swallowed is the only mildly kinky thing youve attempted with him and it was a no, he may not be adventurous enough to deserve unicorn status. But I will say this in his defense
Kissing someone who has just swallowed your load (or snowballing with someone who wants you to swallow your own load) presents a challenge for many men. Some silly straight men worry that tasting their own come will turn them gay or make them look gay Ive gotten letters from girlfriends who thought their boyfriends were gay because they were too willing to kiss them after a blowjob. But there are gay men out there who dont want to deep-kiss the guy who just blew them and theyre obviously not worried about turning gay (already are) or seeming gay (ditto). So what gives? Blame whats known as the refractory period, CUMU. Immediately after a man ejaculates, his dick starts to go soft and he loses all interest in sex hormones have been released into his bloodstream that short-circuit sexual arousal. Bodily fluids and orifices a man was happily lapping up or at a minute ago are suddenly repulsive, not because the dude is necessarily inhibited or insecure, CUMU, but because hes having his period his refractory period.
Q: Ive been seeing this guy who keeps making D/s-ish jokes and moves he smacks my butt a lot, for example. When I let him know I like it, hes suddenly not into it. He says its disturbing that I like what hes been doing. Two questions: (1) Smacking my butt is okay so long as I dont want it? (2) Enjoying what hes doing makes me a freak?
Joking About Consensual Kinks
A: Two options: (1) He goes in for domineering head games and playful violence because hes abusive and controlling. (2) Hes got kinks, but he hasnt managed to incorporate his kinks into his sex life in a healthy, consensual manner and now that he knows you enjoy the same things he does (but youre healthier about them than he is), hes projecting his self-loathing onto you. Either way, JACK, youre going to need to DTMFA.
Q: You recently said its okay to fantasize about other people so long as we keep it to ourselves. Social media and dating apps have given us access to tons of spank material, from that new crush on OkCupid to the (monogamously) married neighbor you always wanted to bang. In this era, we can see actual pictures of the people were fantasizing about more often than not. Facebook stalking for spank bank purposes is fine we all do it but does it cross a line to actually download the pictures for later? I feel like its at least a little creepy to be taking screenshots of peoples photos. But as long as youre the only one using your phone, whats the practical difference between looking at Facebook and looking at saved screenshots?
Screenshot Porn As New Kontent
A: Keep whatever you want on your phone, SPANK, so long as you keep it to yourself and your phone is password protected.
Q: I am a 29-year-old straight woman on the West Coast in a new relationship. My boyfriend and I have just begun exploring anal sex. Question: How do I avoid poop leakage?!? The first time we had anal sex, my boyfriend came in my ass and then pulled out. Then we decided to go for a run. (We didnt think it through, clearly!) A few minutes in, I was leaking all over my pants. In short, gross! Obviously it wasnt a good idea to go for a run afterward (noted!), but what can I do in the future immediately after anal to avoid poopy come from leaking out of my butt?
Anal Newbie Avoiding Leakage
A: Yeah, dont go for a run immediately after anal. Spend a few minutes on the toilet instead bring your phone, post something to Instagram, let gravity do its thing. And that wasnt poop leaking out of you on that run, ANAL, it was santorum the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
Q: No one aroused by BDSM could ever truly love someone, could they?
Violence Isnt Love, Eh?
A: Of course not, VILE. But only the Duggar girls and Princess Dianas boys are capable of truly loving someone. The rest of us are just playing.
Q: My boyfriend complains that our sex life is too vanilla. I want him to be satisfied, but he wont tell me what else he wants to do. Recently, he suggested an open relationship. I dont want to be in an open relationship and I told him as much. But Im fully open to being more kinky or whatever else he needs. Ive tried mixing it up, but he just looks at me strangely and asks me to stop whatever Im doing. Can I do anything to fix this? Any insight would be appreciated.
-Im Not Good At Acronyms
A: He knows what he wants, and he cant or wont tell you. Either he cant because hes so sexually repressed that hes incapable of pushing the words out of his mouth, or he wont because his non-vanilla desires are so extreme as to be deal-breaker-level repulsive to anyone who doesnt share them. But complaining about your sex life without elaborating or giving you any constructive feedback at all is disqualifying assholery, INGAA. Youll also have to DTMFA.
Q: I just read your reply to a woman who wrote to you regarding her partners lack of libido. Although I found the article somewhat interesting, I would have preferred that a woman who was an actual lesbian was rendering advice to other lesbians. As a man, you are not qualified to deal out sex advice to women especially to lesbians.
Stating This Obvious Point
A: Take it away, Free Dictionary: advice: opinion about what could or should be done about a situation or problem. The only qualification you need to give someone your opinion? Someone asked you for it. Full stop. So Im going to continue giving advice to straight people despite not being straight, to lesbians despite not being a lesbian, to bisexuals despite not being bi, to trans people despite not being trans, to monogamous people despite not being monogamous. Hell, I sometimes give advice to Republicans despite not being a heartless idiot.
This article appears in December 27, 2017.