Q: Im a middle-aged homo trying to figure out Grindr. Is it impolite to go on Grindr if youre not looking for an immediate hookup? My preferred form of sexual relationship is the friend-with-benefits situation. I go on Grindr looking to make friends who could, at least potentially, be sex partners, but I like to do the friend thing before the sex. Ive had guys call me an asshole because I exchanged messages with them for 20 minutes and then didnt come right over and fuck them. Do they have a point? Does logging into a hookup app like Grindr imply openness to an immediate sexual encounter? Talking Online Repulses Some Others
A: Always be up front about your intentions, TORSO. The best way to do that is by creating a profile on Grindr or elsewhere that clearly describes what you want and what youre up for. Because good partners (sexual or otherwise) communicate their wants clearly. Adding something like this to your profile should do it: My preferred form of sexual relationship is the friend-with-benefits situation. I go on Grindr looking to make friends who could, at least potentially, be sex partners, but I like to do the friend thing before the sex.
Grindr is an app designed and marketed to facilitate hookups, but some people have found friends, lovers, and husbands on the app (usually after hooking up first). So being on a hookup app doesnt automatically mean youre looking for right now, and it certainly doesnt obligate you to fuck every guy you swap messages with. But if youre not clear in your profile or very first message about what youre doing there, TORSO, guys looking for a hookup on that hookup app will be rightly annoyed with you. (The time and energy he sunk into you could have been sunk into someone looking for right now.) If you are clear, guys seeking instacock have only themselves to blame for wasting their time on you.
Your timing could also have something to do with guys calling you an asshole. Are you exchanging messages at two in the morning for 20 minutes? Because most guys on Grindr at that hour are seeking immediate sexual encounters. If youre just chatting in the middle of the night, then youre probably wasting someones time if, again, youre not being absolutely clear about what youre doing there. Also, TORSO, Grindr is location-based, which means youre going to get a different experience based on where youre using it. Some neighborhoods seem to be filled with messy guys looking for chemsex, bless their hearts. In others, youll find unwoke twinks who are on Grindr to swap (highly problematic) GIFs of black women pulling faces. And if youre in a rural area, its likely youll message your full cast of Grindr torsos within a few days.
Think of Grindr as a giant gay bar most guys are there to hook up, a few just want to hang out and chat, some dudes are really messed up (avoid them), and no one is at their best around closing time.
Q: Im a 25-year-old gay woman and Ive been looking for a girlfriend for the past two years. I post on dating websites, go to the lesbian club, take part in the LGBTQ+ scene at my university, and put myself in places where I might meet women. But Im worried that my persona deters women: Im extremely analytic, a doctoral student and university instructor. Whenever I meet a girl, our conversation always goes in the same direction: She thinks its cool I work with literature and then brings up her favorite pop-culture novel like Harry Potter. I say something like Ive never read Harry Potter, but people rave about it. What do you like about it? I took an online Harry Potter test once for a friend, and it said I was a Slytherin. At this point, things change. The girl Im speaking with gets flustered. She says something like Oh, Im not good at describing things, seemingly feeling pressured to give me an intellectual response, like Im giving her a quiz. Im not sure what to do about this. I am having trouble maintaining casual and fun conversations despite my intentions. I come off as intense. I think Im a pretty attractive person, but my dating life is starting to make me feel differently. I work out regularly and take good care of myself. How can I find a woman I jibe with? A Lesbian Obviously Needs Excitement
A: Youre doing all the right things almost. Youre getting out there, youre not shy about initiating conversation, and youre moving on multiple fronts online, club nights, LGBTQTSLFNBQGQIA+++ groups. Join a womens athletic organization join a softball league and youll be moving on every lesbo front. That said, ALONE, Im surprised this hasnt popped into your extremely analytic head: If Y happens whenever I do X, and Y isnt the desired outcome, then maybe I should knock this Y shit the fuck off. Your response to the mention of Harry Potter drips with what I trust is unintentional condescension. (Ive never read it what do you like about it I took an online test once for a friend ) Dont want women to think youre administering a quiz? Dont want women to get the impression youre too intellectual for them? Dont want to seem like someone incapable of keeping things casual and fun? Dont administer quizzes, dont subtly telegraph your disgust, and keep things casual by offering a little info about yourself instead of probing. (I havent read the Harry Potter books, but Im a huge Emma Watson fangirl. Who isnt, right?) And maybe go ahead and read Harry Potter already.
Q: Im a married woman whose hot, hung husband is into beautiful women and pretty boys (his words and he means boyish men of legal age, of course). It took a dozen years to get that out of him. Id watched him drool over pretty male baristas and waiters, but it wasnt until I found twink porn on his computer that he came out about his narrow slice of bisexuality. (Again, his words.) Now that its out now that hes out hes anxious to have a three-way with me and a femme guy. Im up for it, but the pretty boys were finding online who are into my husband arent into me. My husband says he would feel too guilty doing it without me, which means he may not be able to do it at all. I want him to do it. It turns me on to think about. I dont have to be there. Hubbys Underlying Bi Biological Yearnings
A: Let your hot, hung husband find a pretty boy he likes, HUBBY, then ask for the boys e-mail or phone number or IG handle or whatever, and have a quick back-channel convo with him. Let him know your hot, hung husband (HHH) wants his ass and that youll be there but only at the start. Once drinks have been served, the ice has been broken, and a little spit has been swapped (between him and HHH), tell him youll invent a reason to excuse yourself (your period, bad clams, whatever), leaving him alone with your HHH. At that point, HHH can decide for himself if he wishes to proceed without you but with your blessing (which you can toss over your shoulder on your way out of the room). Good luck!