Q: I am a bi, white, married man35 years old and living in a big Midwestern city. Id like to know whats going on in my psychefrom a sex-research perspective. Ive been hung up on cuckold fantasies with my female partner for years now. Im a creative person and Im especially fond of creative fantasizing in bed, and my partner enjoys this as well. But 9 times out of 10, Im spinning a yarn about her fucking other men, whether its a threesome, cuckolding with me watching, or her going out on dates and coming home a delicious mess. These fantasies took an unexpected turn when I asked her to share stories about people she fucked in the past. She obligedand holy shit, was I turned on. The only unfortunate thing is that she did not have many great sexual experiences in the past, so she feels like there is not a lot to share. Anyway, we have an amazing sex life, obviously, and I feel no shame whatsoever about these fantasies or how turned on her memories make us. Im just curious as to why it turns me on so much. I know others have similar kinks, but it seems so antithetical to the heteronormative expectations of what I should be turned on by. Any ideas?
Fantasies Reliably Enhance Every Dalliance
A: Why am I like this? questions are always rabbit holes, said Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, author, and sex researcher. We create rich, satisfying stories that are really just a form of mental masturbationno bust on masturbationwhen the truth is, at least at this point, we really have no clear idea why people have any of the unique sexual fantasies they do. (Dr. Ley literally wrote the book on cuckolding: Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.)
One popular explanation for why being cuckolded might turn a man onwhy knowing his wife or girlfriend had fucked someone else (or was fucking someone else in front of him) might turn a guy onwas the sperm competition theory. To quickly summarize: A man who suspects his female partner recently had sex with another maleand whose reptile brain believes the other mans semen might be present inside herwill have a more powerful and voluminous orgasm when he next mates with his female partner in an effort to flood out his competitors semen. For a time, many sex researchers theorized that male swingers and cuckolds were subconsciously inducing sperm competition reactionsi.e., they were in it for the more powerful orgasms.
Unfortunately, much of the research into sperm competition is now suspect, due to a failure to replicate many of these findings, said Dr. Ley. So to a degree, were now saying, You know, its complicated, everyone is different, and there are no simple answers.
And now that weve said that, FREED, Dr. Ley, who has worked with many cuckold couples, has noticed patterns and hes willing to put out some alternative theories of his own.
Many cuckolds have a desire to engage bisexually with other men, using their wifes body as a sort of proxy, said Dr. Ley. Given that FREED is a bi male in a heterosexual relationship, these cuckold fantasies might be a way for him to express his bisexuality while including his wife. Additionally, vicarious erotic fulfillment is often a central component in many cuckold fantasies. This goes beyond simple voyeurismand FREEDs comment about his wifes regret at not having enough sexual experiences to share offers us a clue in this direction. Many cuckolds celebrate their partners being sexually unrestrained. FREED might just be turned on by the idea of his wife cutting loose and sharing that supercharged erotic energy with other partnerspast, present, and future.
Finally, FREED, I wanted to add a ding, ding, ding to something you mentioned at the end of your letter. The erotic power of doing something that seems antithetical to the heteronormative and/or vanilla-normative expectations heaped on us by culture, religion, family, etc. should never be underestimated. While not everyone is turned on by the thought of transgressing against sexual or social norms, a significant percentage is. So long as our normative-busting transgressive turn-ons can be realized with other consenting adults, we should worry less about the why and more about the when, where, and how. (Now, in private, and safely!)
Follow Dr. Ley on Twitter @DrDavidLey.
Q: Im a 35-year-old married man with two beautiful small children. I knew I was a cuckold before I met my wife. As soon as things got somewhat serious, I made this very clear, as I had learned repeatedly that my desire for a cuckold relationship almost certainly spelled doom. While we were dating, she cuckolded me multiple times and seemed very accepting of the idea. I was in heaven, as I finally felt accepted for me. I remember very clearly on the day of our elopement discussing that this was more than a kink for meit was central to my sexuality and I needed her buy-in before committing for life. We played a time or two after we got married, but my wifes interest in the lifestyle greatly decreased. After we had children (first child four years ago), her interest in cuckolding evaporated. Its entirely gone. I accepted this for some time due to having young children. When I broached the subject recently, she expressed legitimate concerns around STIs, pregnancy, and being found out by friends/family. But this is something I need, as I made clear before we married. Its not just a kink for me. I love my wife and I dont want to pressure her into having sex with others, but Im hurt and frustrated. I cant help but feel like I had a bait and switch pulled on me. What do I do? Be thankful for the things I do have? Ask to go to a sex-positive therapist? Ask for a divorce? Im lost, hurt, confused, and angry.
Cuckold Has Understandable Regrets Now
A: Cuckolding may be something you need, CHURN, but its something youre asking the wife to do. And the doing presents more risks for herthe risks of STIs and pregnancy fall entirely on her, as she pointed out. And if people were to find out (or suspect) she was sleeping around, the shame and potential social ostracism would fall entirely on her, too. Even if you were to tell anyone who found out that it was consensual and/or that you were a cuckold, its not like she wouldnt still be shamed or ostracized. Judgmental family and friends would just heap equal portions of shame on you, too.
To your credit, CHURN, you acknowledged the legitimacy of your wifes concerns. And Im going to acknowledge the legitimacy of your frustrations: You told her before you eloped that you needed this to be happy, and she didnt just agree to it, she was (or seemed) enthused about it. I might be inclined to see this as a bait and switch myself if you didnt have children. Even the most adventurous peoplesexual or otherwisetend to become risk-averse when their children are young, and I imagine your wife is currently some combo of highly risk-averse and completely overwhelmed. (Hey, are you doing your fair share of the housework and childcare?) Instead of threatening to divorce her (which would amount to pressuring her), I would encourage you to find a sex-positive counselor who can help you two talk about what your sex life can look like once your children are a little older.
If she can express it without being expected to act on it tomorrow, my hunch is your wife can see cuckolding you again once your kids are older. Since finding women who are into this isnt easy, as you already know, it would be in your own self-interest to take the long view and be patient. In the meantime, CHURN, content yourself with hot memories of all the times the wife cuckolded you in the past and hot dirty talk about all the times shes going cuckold you in the future.
On the Lovecast, summer sex toys with Erika Moen: savagelovecast.com.
Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage