Plain Brown Rapper - The Rapper”s Top 10 Raps

Jun 11, 2008 at 12:36 pm

PREFATORY REMARKS: This is column number 273. I have two more Raps to go. I will address The Second Amendment in Rap 274 and The Revolution Solution in my final column. I am advised by my new Masters at LEO that starting with this column, my own damn opinion will run every week until the dark, bitter and twisted end.

Then I’m outta here. I will have no opinions left. Look for my upcoming book, maybe hardback, entitled “The First (and last) 275 Raps of Louisville’s Plain Brown Rapper.” This book will have a table of context and index. So if you have a question as to what your opinion should be, you can simply consult the book. ’Nuff said.

I have reviewed my heretofore 272 Raps and have culled my most important opinions. Here’s The Rapper’s Top 10 Big Ideas:

1) DITCH MITCH. My very first Rap rapped Mitch, and I have done so some 34 times during the last 13 years. I shall not waste another word.

2) MARIJUANA LAWS ARE STUPID AND A DISGRACE. God made cannabis, man made alcohol. Whom do you trust? Genesis 1:30: “Then God said, ‘Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of the earth.’” I’ve read the ancient corporate record books. Marijuana was demonized (“Reefer Madness”) and mandated illegal so the synthetic fiber corporations could criminalize their competition: hemp.

A dozen American states have legalized it for medicine; I say let’s legalize marijuana for recreational use.

3) KEEP ENGLISH AS THE OFFICIAL LANGUAGE. Languages unite or divide a country. It is said that the first duty of a citizen is to learn the language of the realm. Enough of this push-one-for-English crutch. The Spanish recording should say “Hey, learn the language or have someone make this call for you. Have a nice day.” Why not? How did the Germans and Italians, Japanese and Chinese assimilate? They learned the King’s English, that’s how.

4) SOUTHERN PRIDE SHOULD BE CELEBRATED. Kentucky is the middle star in the Confederate flag’s stars and bars. My ancestor was Stonewall Jackson Brown, whose father fought alongside Stonewall Jackson, hence his name. Kentucky had a Confederate capitol in Bowling Green. Why can I not salute this vestige of my heritage? It’s basic American history. All the political correctness in the world can’t change that.

5) WE HAVE AN INNATE RIGHT TO SUICIDE. In my own damn opinion, if a person’s pain — physical or mental — is too much to bear, God just lets him come home early. 

6) CREATE A NORTH AMERICAN UNION. I’ve railed three times about this over the last 15 years. A melding of the three countries of North America makes so much sense it almost hurts. If Canada, America and Mexico joined together, with the stroke of a pen, there would be no more immigration problem. NAFTA has paved the way. To compete with the European Union and The Asian Dragons, we need to pool our economies and resources. Now I hear the Council for Foreign Relations has a draft proposal. I’m glad the world is catching up with me. 

7) WE NEED CAMPAIGN FINANCE REVOLUTION. This issue is paramount and fundamental. There are more pharmaceutical reps in Washington than congressmen. These special interest groups define an honest politician as one who stays bought. These bloodsuckers may not own Congress, but they do lease it from time to time.

8) COLONIZE MARS. Someone will, so why not America? Last week scientists agreed there was ice on Mars, so we may have a race to colonize once we get tired of Iraq. We need a planet to escape to, because we’ve poisoned, plundered and polluted this spinning mud ball called planet Earth.

9) CLONING CAN BE A GOOD THING. Cloning is here to stay; the cow is out of the barn; the genie is out of the bottle. It’s here, that’s clear. We must harness this mad science of cloning and nurse good things from it. Like another Mahatma Gandhi or John Yarmuth.

10) AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HAS RUN ITS COURSE. If not now, when? Affirmative Action foments white resentment, and more insidious still, disrespects African Americans, signaling to them they are not good enough to compete on their own merits. Balderdash.

But anyway, I’m Carl Brown, Louisville’s Plain Brown Rapper, and that’s just my own damn opinion. If you don’t like it, sue me. Just miss me when I’m gone. 

Contact the writer at 

[email protected]