Mitch’s a git… Trumpers’ unused Todgers

Wotcha.

Alright mate. So is this a compassionate city or what?

Nothing says “Compassionate City” like debating whether or not to destroy makeshift shelters built by and occupied by our city’s most unfortunate. Tugs at the heartstrings, does it not?

And the end result is the kind of compassion that Democrats can take to the polls: “We promise to destroy every meager possession these people have, but we promise to only do it when it’s a little less nippy outside.” A vote-winning message of seasonal solicitude if ever there was one.

Although if they are really going to put it off until the city can find a solution to homelessness, then I suppose the camps are now good for all eternity. You can set yourself up with a tent there once your old lady turfs your cretinous arse out.

It does make me wonder why no city in the country can do anything about homelessness, despite the fact that empty homes outnumber the homeless pretty much everywhere except where tech bros are kings. Which also makes you wonder why any city in its right mind wanted Amazon. There’s no shortage of empty Christmas stockings here in Louisville. If there were a will, there’d be a way, but it’s almost as if… as if they don’t want to do anything.

It’s time for another brand makeover — since “Compassionate City” is clearly a load of bollocks. Compassion is one of these things concerned citizens like to talk about but recoil from actually doing anything about. It’s like Mitch McConnell being all in favour of criminal justice reform until he’s presented with a bill for, you know, criminal justice reform.

What a total wanker that git is. I know we say it often, but it needs to be. Morality-free sack of shite with no redeeming qualities, definitely. Whatever happens in the rest of my days, I’ll go to the great beyond happy that I did my bit to speak honestly here about the most repulsive waste of skin on the planet. Anyway, you were banging on about the joke they call a “justice system” here. Pray, continue.

Like all American punishment, it’s a punishment system for the poor only and, preferably, the poor and black. But yes, the proposed bill would equalise mandatory sentencing minimums for crack and powder cocaine — rather than address anything that would substantively affect the inequality and injustice we have. There’ll be no social reform on this administration’s watch.

Mitch needs to keep that sweet private prison loot flowing freely. Presumably, that’s what he’s blocking it for, that and because he is known to go into anaphylactic shock when asked to do right by someone who isn’t also rich, white and knee-deep in kompromat. That, or it’s yet another manifestation of certain people’s inferiority complex when it comes to their “manhood.”

Did you see that academics have now confirmed that the regions in America that are more likely to support our strategically-shaved-orangutan-of-a-president are also where people have most concern about the size of their genitals?

I saw that. Great reporting from The Washington Post. It is easy to believe Trump supporters are searching the Google for knob enhancements because most of them probably haven’t used their shriveled, raisin-like todgers in years, at least not with someone else in the room.

Speaking of kompromat, it’s been a busy week for Fatso. Is the end in sight? The endgame is in sight, legally at least, when he’s revealed to have been laundering money for the Russian mafia for most of the last 30-odd years. Which has been an open secret in New York for the last 30-odd years. Whether that’s the end of the whole thing or not, I don’t know, but if it involves Steele’s Pee Tapes, or even if it’s just more of the same lurid, depraved narrative about the Trumps’ sordid, loveless relationship we’ve been getting fed, I’ll at least enjoy following it.

You’re a spiteful fellow. I like that about you. Notwithstanding, I’m feeling oddly bullish about impeachment and conviction, regardless of numbers in the Senate.

Mate, you’re having a tin bath. The Senate is more likely to invite you to be king than it is to go after Trump. This is America, not a Netflix series.

I’d make a fine monarch, as it happens. Absolute, naturally. It’s in my blood. I was born to wear the crest. But I’m still more optimistic about impeachment now than I’ve ever been.

Insofar as that at no point has there been any indication that criminal activity was *less* serious than previously thought? Fair point. At every turn, it’s got worse and worse. Eventually, even the levees in this quasi-banana republic have to break.

That’s my heart talking. My head says that the Senate will stick it out because if he goes down most of them go down with him. Turkeys don’t vote for Thanksgiving.

You plonker. Of course, they do. Turkeys always vote for Thanksgiving. It’s what being a turkey is all about. Eventually, those Senate turkeys will vote for Thanksgiving because the alternative will be worse. Like those clueless wankers in Ohio who voted for Trump, and now their car factories are getting closed down. And poor people all over Kentucky who’re going to get fucked by Bevin to work for free in exchange for the most basic health and dental care. They all do it, and eventually, they all get what’s coming to them.

Do you think people will think us cruel for ridiculing others’ misfortune?

Natch. From urban Unitarians to hipsters to rednecks and rural snake-handlers, the bourgeoisie are all about faux caring and belief. Patriotism, religion, charity, civil rights, whatever the exculpatory flavour of the week is. But honestly, this is precisely what the country willingly voted for. It’s what capitalism eventually means — and Trump, McConnell, Massie, Bevin and the wealthy are delivering. They thought it was only going to be black and brown people suffering. They were wrong.

The quintessential American justice here is that there’s a word for being forced to work without pay in exchange for the basics that sustain life. The word is slavery.

Yes, but let’s call it compassion. You know, for the sake of pretending to care. •

This article appears in December 5, 2018.