Local Heroes Declare ‘Crazy Bernie Sucks’ on I-64 Overpass

Aug 28, 2019 at 10:30 am
Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders.

Dear Brave Heroes who painted “Crazy Bernie Sucks” on the overpass between mile nine and eight on Interstate 64 West,

I’m sure you, Kappa Tappa Keg, were responsible for this message about Bernie Sanders' visit, and that Justice Brett Kavanaugh and his friends loaded up in one of their dad’s Ford F-950s with dual exhaust that gets two miles to the gallon and painted the overpass sometime Saturday or Sunday. They were out of roofies and Budweiser that evening, and Kyle’s dad was kind enough to let them borrow his because it’s tall enough to stand in the truck bed and reach the overpass with ease.

I also want to say the brothers of KTK were easily spotted by Officer McDouche (it’s pronounced “mc-doo-Shay,” thank you, and he makes the Irish slavery argument when prompted) patrolling that stretch of I-64 West because these brave protectors of freedom made no effort to hide what they were up to. Officer McDouche (again, it’s mc-doo-SHAY, thank you) is the same kind of officer who would pull innocent children out of their cars and detain them for three hours based on the child’s melanin content, but on this occasion he laughed and didn’t stop these particular fellows when he circled around. This particular officer nodded in approval of the Cheeto-in-Chief’s message they were busy scrawling on the overpass and thought to himself “them boys just havin’ a good ol’ time ‘cause that Bernie is a crazy sumbitch”.

The actions of KTKs are first cousin to Nazi Youth activities, a heil Hitler in practice no matter what the overpass actually says because they’re echoing Cheeto’s Twitter Rhetoric. They’re proud boys in polo shirts and tiki torches out to hang a silent noose against any dissent with their borrowed paint rollers and pickup truck. Chad thinks that the overpass is his space now, apparently, even though his dad could have afforded to buy him a billboard downtown for a month with the same message. The difference is Chad also knows his grandfather could talk to the judge if they were caught.

While the Resist 45 folks and company are busy fighting for our lives out here, Kappa Tappa Keg took the opportunity to fire silent shots of oppression to remind everyone of their privilege because Gawd Almighty forbid that the Bernwagon should roll through town and the occasion go undocumented. A shout-out to Chad, Kyle and Brad for their brave act of political dissent is in order, and their effort has not gone unnoticed.

And though while I do not agree with your stance, man, I’m not going to tell you to stop, you rascally brothers of Kappa Tappa Keg. That’s your right to go painting overpasses if you want to. Just remember to relish in delight that your message has a longer shelf life than “Fuck Trump!” did because whoever painted the overpass that time was telling the Truth.

Huntress Thompson is a poet and philosopher living in Louisville.