Inbox – April 1, 2015

Why are You AntiSemitic? Dear Jew-hating editor,
I find it disgusting that you disrespect your own father’s heritage the way you have. After the years of beautiful columns he wrote about you on Father’s Day, you have the audacity to question the Jewish prophet Bibi — or “Netanyahu” as you self-deprecating Marxist Jews that I read about in the JPost call him.

I know a [sic] few writers at Jpost who are pretty fed up with American Jews who don’t live in Israel and don’t know what it is to live under a constant threat.

You wouldn’t last ten minutes in Palestine without Bibi.
L. Hodges, Basement of 40027 house watching Fox News

Move Barack, Get Out The Way Dear LEO,
Earlier this week I found out that President Obama will be visiting Indatus on East Main Street downtown, about two blocks from where I work. Although I generally like the president (I voted for him twice, although I would’ve voted for a carton of milk over the batch of cartoon characters the republicans promoted during the last election cycle), I would appreciate if the president didn’t clog inner city traffic for the working class. I have three ideas on how the president would not mess up downtown traffic, while still visiting his intended destination. 1) His brigade parks on River Road, about a mile away, he then bikes in by himself, protected by drones. This idea promotes both environmental responsibility and technological advancement (something I believe he is here to discuss anyway, making it a solid power move). 2) Some combination of Black Hawk helicopters and ropes. I’m not quite certain how this would work, but I’ve seen enough war movies to know sliding down ropes from a helicopter is an efficient, quick way to get places. The president looks like he is in good shape and this could be a way for him to give Michelle’s Let’s Move! childhood fitness campaign a PR boost. 3) His chopper lands on the 2nd Street bridge and he walks the rest of the way with secret service. It promotes several of the above and, for the people coming or going to southern Indiana, it’s their fault anyway. If you could pass this on to anyone you see fit, I think there is a solid chance to change the president’s mind within the next two days.
Cheers,
Teddy Sutherland

It doesn’t have to be this hard Dear LEO,
Thank you in advance for taking time to read this letter as you don’t seem to ever read the press releases my PR and marketing company sends to you. At a time when journalism is in imperil, why would you waste so much time writing your own stories when you could save so much time and money with the simple text drop of prepackaged stories about my clients into the pages of your publication? Easy peasy.

And speaking of my clients, we’re talking some of the most highly valued and visible corporations and businesses in the city. You could double the size of your publication with ads from my clients if you would only write business profiles about them or publish photos of them passing oversized checks that represent the tax write-offs they give to the city’s nonprofits. As I have offered countless times, you don’t even have to write the stories yourself or send a photographer. I will take care of all of that and email your content to you.
LEO, you’ve hung in there for 24 years, but I’m afraid your days are numbered if you don’t get with the times and accept some help from the city’s esteemed business community.
Sincerely,
Babs Johnson
Founder, owner and president
Class Act PR and Marketing

This article appears in April 1, 2015.