Imaginary Conversations: With Mitch McConnell and Elaine Chao

Scene: A Saturday morning in late December, the first such morning that Kentucky’s busy power pair have spent together in some time — and likely one of the last, as Mitch prepares to fire up his re-election campaign in earnest. They have just awoken to the sound of breaking glass.

McConnell: Elaine! Wake up! Did you hear that?
Chao: Yes, Mitchell, I heard it. What was it?
M: Sounded like breaking glass. What time is it?
C: 6:30.
M: Jesus Christ, awfully early for those war protestors to be camped out. Shouldn’t they be shopping today? Those filthy peaceniks are unpredictable — just another reason they’re dangerous.
C: You really think it’s the peaceniks?
M: Hell, I don’t know. Could be one of those damn baggy pants kids from down the street skipping stones on the slurry pond.
C: Don’t be naïve. Nothing skips off coal slurry. It’ll just sit there like a seal in an oil slick, looking all pitiful and sacrosanct.
M: Hmmm.
C: Where’s your gun?
M: Uh, musta left it at the range last —
C: You haven’t fired that thing since basic training!
M: At least I know where it is, E-laine! It’s downstairs.
C: What good will that do?
M: (Mumbling) Probably some immigrants thinking we aren’t home, thinking they can get some easy money. We should hire them to clean that slurry pond, y’know, get ’em on a path to citizenship.
C: We’re good people, Mitchell. We could do that. Except you don’t really clean a slurry pond.
M: Hmm. What do you want for breakfast?
C: Mitchell, can you just stop obstructing for a change and go see what’s the matter!
M: Maybe I could call security …
C: Go!