Scene: The new Kentucky governor is dutifully offering his Christmas prayers — thankful, among other things, for his ballot success last month — when Jesus suddenly responds.
Jesus: I think you’ve got me confused with the other famous imaginary white guy.
Steve Beshear: Huh? Jesus?
J: It’s me. Hi.
SB: Wow. I always thought you were just a listener.
J: Yeah, get in line.
SB: How can I know it’s you?
J: We walk by faith, not by sight.
SB: Right. So, um, I made it. How about that?
J: What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?
SB: Well, I think I’d contend that point, Jesus. I haven’t said I’ll do anything that I can’t or won’t.
J: No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.
SB: But I’ve pledged to fix public education, and I’m gonna deal with the Medicaid funding crisis, and I’ll expand healthcare so that most people can afford it, and my new energy policy will use coal and alternative fuels to run your SUV, and I want to enforce the rules when it comes to mountaintop removal mining, because the real problem with that is just that we’re not enforcing the rules.
J: Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but underneath are ravenous wolves.
SB: But I’m bringing casinos to the commonwealth! That’s how I will save this state!
J: One question, Steve: Do you remember me in the Temple with the moneychangers?
This article appears in December 21, 2007.