Franken’s hands over crumpets… baseball, basketball, second-rate sports

Dropping like flies.

Mate, this is awkward enough as it is without you talking about dropping flies.

I wasn’t referring to those flies, although I suppose I was. Just not mine. Men can’t keep it zipped up — have never been able to. Still, I wonder if the current movement is all for the good. I mean, just not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, it’s great that women aren’t standing for that shit anymore; on the other, trial by social media is something we should all be very wary of.

I agree with the former proposition, but the latter is bollocks. All the best revolutions spill a bit of claret. I don’t care how they get caught… so long as they get caught. I certainly don’t care about that oily cunt at the Haymarket. Enough credible people came forward that I’m more than willing to sacrifice his “rights” on the altar of revolutionary justice. Public life has been rife with sociopaths for hundreds of years, people who think that because they’re powerful they can get away with doing whatever the hell they like without having to face the consequences, and now maybe they can’t. Good.

I still think that there’s little to cheer about trial by Facebook. At least the ducking stool gave you a chance to escape the stake. Do you think Franken will swing for it?

I think he’s more likely to face the music at the ballot box than any of those other scumbags. As we’ve said in the past, Democrats are far less forgiving than Republicans, mostly because they think they need to be forgiven more by actual people than by abstract concepts like freedom and God. So Republicans are like, well, the Big Man forgave me, why would I even need to be forgiven by a mere mortal? Democrats don’t look at it like that. Just ask Anthony Weiner or Gary Hart.

Personally, I think the tone-deafness of Franken’s original apology, if you can call it that, should be enough to finish his political career. If not then certainly groping punters at the state fair should do it. It’s not like he wouldn’t have noticed which way the wind has been blowing.

The second apology was better, but he was also stitched up. That tailor’s nightmare Roger Stone knew about it before it went public; how on Earth can anyone with a shred of integrity explain that? Franken called her bluff by immediately agreeing to hearings under oath, at which point she forgave him. Funny that. Not saying Franken doesn’t have roving hands and needs to be called out for it — and fuck knows, he should have thought twice before putting his hands over her crumpets in front of a camera — but the evidence seems tortured, to put it generously.

It’s a tough one, for sure. Personally, I never found Franken’s comedy particularly funny — although infinitely funnier than anything Will Ferrell has ever done — but he’s been an outstanding senator. It needs Franken to commit to assessing his own behaviour and becoming an advocate for survivors of assault and abuse so that it becomes rare instead of normal.

Come off it. Nobody’s going to buy that load of cobblers.

I disagree. When a former drug addict dedicates herself to helping others who’re addicted, we don’t say “Naff off — look at what you used to do.” We say “Yeah, good on you.” Likewise when some ex-Nazi dedicates himself to helping others get out of that life and change their beliefs, we don’t say “Naff off — look at what you used to do.” We say, “Yeah, good on you.” Same thing. Why should that be impossible for people who in the past have used their power to mistreat women?

It pains me to admit you make a decent argument there. Although, again, it ultimately boils down to a victim’s willingness to forgive. On a side note, this is yet another illustration of the myth of Mitch McConnell’s reputation for political genius. I mean, he could have really buggered Democrats by demanding Franken’s immediate resignation, which would have been hard for them to resist. But instead he offered them some poxy, kangaroo Ethics Committee. 

I think it’s quite a smart move. The ethics panel will take an age and in the meantime it buys Trump and Moore time because they have Franken to kick around. Gives breathing room for their own rank hypocrisy. The longer the panel dithers the better.

Are you on the spice?

Not always. Why?

I dunno. You’re making sense and I find myself disturbed. Puzzled. How do I demand a drug test?

You’re like my wife, except hideously unattractive. It took her a while to realise just how smart I am, and now she accepts it without question.

Let’s not get carried away, Sunshine. One jab does not a fighter make. Speaking of athletic prowess, there’s going to be a new stadium. It might even get me to turn up to watch footie once in a while. We’re national champions in a globally recognised sport, too.

A top result, well deserved and the only way we’ll ever get a sport in this city that doesn’t make us look like a bunch of backwoods schoolboys.

Getting 15,000 in to watch a game of football proves beyond doubt that the game’s a credible substitute for second-rate muck-abouts like baseball and college basketball. 

Yeah, but they’d better keep winning, because if they don’t it’ll be their fair-weather fans that drop like flies. •

This article appears in November 22, 2017.