Forecastle and bevin’s Six Flags Over Jesus university

Super excited about the Forecastle Festival, or what?

You’re having a giraffe, aren’t you? About as exciting as being forced to watch baseball.

What a relief. Normal service has been resumed. Forecastle is the greatest gathering of musical talent in Louisville’s history. The weather is going to be perfect, probably, and everyone is going to have a great time. Only a total misanthrope could fail to be excited by that.

I’d rather open my wrists with my Hampstead Heath than subject myself to that abject caterwauling. First of all, I looked through the list of groups performing and I recognised all of two names. If this is the greatest lineup of musical talent to grace this state, then I’m Lennon. On second thoughts, it might be, but that’s not saying much.

The Beatles were still practicing in Lennon’s garage when you were the same age as the Forecastle crowd, so it’s hardly a shock that you’re unfamiliar with these bands. Despite being someone who considers Beethoven as popular music, surely you’ve heard of the Avett Brothers and Death Cab for Cutie?

I’ve heard of Justin Bieber, but that doesn’t mean I’d get all giddy at the prospect of seeing him live, unless he’s being fed to scorpions, live. I happen to quite like the Suffers and Alabama Shakes, but I’m not parting with 190 of my hard-earnt Yankee dollars to witness a shambolic parade of amateurs. Not when I can watch Bevin appointees discussing policy on KET for free.

Ah, so the truth is that you’re cheap as dirt and just don’t want to fork out the cash to buy a ticket. Did you get that? Fork out. Forecastle. Forc. Fork.

I got it: You’re about as sharp as American mustard. Spending a sweaty weekend with hundreds of drunk fraternity bros sounds even more excruciating than talking to you. We get “perfect” weather for about two weekends a year, if we’re lucky. One final point: The lineup is almost exactly the same as last year’s.

Sheesh. When the Who sang “Hope I die before I get old,” I think they had you in mind. The fact is that people of all ages love going to festivals. It’s one of the benefits of not being a hater. Everyone who goes will have a fabulous time and be a better human being for it.

Will they? Bollocks. People used to have a great time at public executions and floggings … and no modern society should be proud to consider part of its culture. At least the Saudis have the decency to behead new people every year; they don’t drag out the last batch of dissident corpses, and kill them all over again.

All right — I concede that this year’s lineup looks suspiciously like last year’s. You’d have thought 2016’s musician mortality rate might have forced some changes. But good luck to them, some of these bands might be the next big thing. People will tell their grandchildren they saw them early in their careers.

Dream on. About the only positive thing I can say is that it’s not country music, the entertainment equivalent of feeding your brain to a gun-toting depressed tapeworm.

Summoning up the abomination that is country music probably just gives you the win. But to change the subject, it’s not as clear-cut as the win Bevin just handed Southeast Christian. Half the new board at UofL are members of its congregation, as, funnily enough, is Bevin himself: Our flagship city university is now being guided by a church that actively encourages science denial.

Shockingly, and despite its commitment to suicide-by-PR, this news tops anything that’s come from the Foundation, the Business School, or even those wankstains running the Athletic department. Hell, I bet Liberty University has a more balanced board. It’s hard to imagine a less-qualified bunch of gobshites.

One thing to try to tackle the problems UofL has, another to turn it into a laughing stock. How many of its best professors are actively looking for an exit? Most of them, I should think — certainly now that Bevin is trying to turn it into another Six Flags Over Jesus campus.

Bevin thinks putting religious business people in charge is the solution … when it was the problem. Only Bevin could think that nominating someone whose only academic virtue was being tall — Bridgeman — is an appropriate way to support educational standards.

Speaking of height, at least our highest court finally gave Bevin a taste of losing this week over his spiteful lies about Planned Parenthood. He’d better get used to that taste — it’s going to happen a lot. A bit like you staying pissy.

Or you making deplorably tragic puns.

This article appears in July 13, 2016.