Derby 147 — A Comedy

Apr 28, 2021 at 10:13 am
Father’s Day

[The following story takes place just ahead of the 2020 election. At least, it could have… It includes the names of all 20 horses running in the 147th Kentucky Derby and, hopefully, some laughs.]

Just before Pope Francis arrived at The White House, President Trump convened a meeting with his few remaining loyal cabinet members and political allies. 

“Did you all find anything on Bezos?” Trump asked the group. “Everyone knows he’s behind this pandemic. You know it’s worse than the BOURBONIC plague?”

“You mean, Bubonic, sir?” asked Vice President Pence.

“Get this guy out of here!” Trump shouted. “Anyway, it’s been his KNOWN AGENDA for years. Bezos is trying to take me out. You know Little Bezos is just jealous he’s not a star, like me, and could go around getting supermodels the way I do. Look at Melania — talk about a DYNAMIC ONE. I mean, she’s a 10! What billionaire marries a five?”

 “Mr. President, as we’ve already told you, we’ve looked into Mr. Bezos,” the director of national intelligence responded. “Nothing has indicated he is behind the pandemic.”

“How far back did you look into his past?” Trump asked. “Did you know he’s Irish? Did you search for an O BESOS?” 

“What about you?” Trump turned to the attorney general. “I mean, the guy sells books online, and all of the sudden the company is just some SUPER STOCK? Either you find out what he’s up to, or I’m going to find an attorney general who is HIGHLY MOTIVATED to lock him up.”

As the room froze in silence, Trump caught Sen. Mitch McConnell muttering something over his SOUP AND SANDWICH.

“You say something, Mitch? In four years, you’ve done nothing for me. No wall. No infrastructure. You couldn’t even repeal Obamacare!”

McConnell just stared back at Trump as if the president were a heckler disrupting his dinner. 

“Hi, Mr. President!” Sen. Rand Paul chimed in. 

“What the hell is he doing here?” Trump asked.

“So, I’m up for reelection in a couple of years, and I could sure use your help. I might be challenged by a bright, young Democrat named Charles Booker. He’s so popular, folks back home are calling him ‘HOT ROD CHARLIE.’” 

“What are you smoking, Paul? You have a HIDDEN STASH or just got HELIUM for brains?” Trump said. 

Just then, there was a knock at the door. A young man entered and announced that Pope Francis had arrived. 

“Pope Francis, thanks for coming,” Trump said. “I need you to do something for me. I need you to make me a saint. It’s my only chance at winning re-election.”

“Mr. President, you lack every ESSENTIAL QUALITY necessary to be considered for SAINTHOOD,” Francis told the president. 

“Listen, Francis — Can I call you Francis? I’ve had many dealings with a lot of saints and, quite frankly, they weren’t that smart,” Trump told the pontiff. “You know I went to the best schools. Saints should be strong, too — BROOKLYN STRONG. Some of the saints you’ve got these days… not so strong. Low energy.”

“I’m sorry Mr. President. The Catholic Church just doesn’t make deals like this,” Francis responded. 

“Catholics love me, Franky. You should see some of the rallies. I’m welcomed LIKE THE KING.” Trump said. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. President.” 

“This is why you’re getting passed by other countries, like Saudi Arabia,” Trump snapped back. “You should see what the Crown Prince is doing in Mecca and Medina. The Church could use some of that MEDINA SPIRIT.”

“Plus, the Prince knows how to make a deal. We’re going to build a Trump tower in Medina, right next to the mosque. It’s going to have the greatest MANDALOUN windows in the world. Just think, all those pilgrims could be coming to the Vatican, instead. Sad.”

“I don’t think it works that way, Mr. President.”

“You’re making a big mistake, Pope. You’ll be begging for a deal when you see the KING FURY coming your way.”

“Do you mean King as in, Holy Father’s fury?”

“Everybody out!” Trump exclaimed. 

Suddenly, a secret service agent burst into the room. “Mr. President, we just found a note in your room. We think it might be a new threat,” the agent said.

“What’s it say?” Trump asked.

“‘If you’re up for a MIDNIGHT BOURBON, KEEPMEINMIND.’ And it’s signed with: ‘A Storm is a-coming.’”

“Oh, that’s not — Just leave it where you found it.” Trump said, before adding, “Here, put this note with it.” 

“What was on the note?” Pope Francis asked.

“I’m gonna ROCK YOUR WORLD,” Trump said. 

“Have you ever heard of Stormy Daniels, Father?”

[And the rest is history.]