[The following story takes place just ahead of the 2020 election. At least, it could have It includes the names of all 20 horses running in the 147th Kentucky Derby and, hopefully, some laughs.]
Just before Pope Francis arrived at The White House, President Trump convened a meeting with his few remaining loyal cabinet members and political allies.
Did you all find anything on Bezos? Trump asked the group. Everyone knows hes behind this pandemic. You know its worse than the BOURBONIC plague?
You mean, Bubonic, sir? asked Vice President Pence.
Get this guy out of here! Trump shouted. Anyway, its been his KNOWN AGENDA for years. Bezos is trying to take me out. You know Little Bezos is just jealous hes not a star, like me, and could go around getting supermodels the way I do. Look at Melania talk about a DYNAMIC ONE. I mean, shes a 10! What billionaire marries a five?
Mr. President, as weve already told you, weve looked into Mr. Bezos, the director of national intelligence responded. Nothing has indicated he is behind the pandemic.
How far back did you look into his past? Trump asked. Did you know hes Irish? Did you search for an O BESOS?
What about you? Trump turned to the attorney general. I mean, the guy sells books online, and all of the sudden the company is just some SUPER STOCK? Either you find out what hes up to, or Im going to find an attorney general who is HIGHLY MOTIVATED to lock him up.
As the room froze in silence, Trump caught Sen. Mitch McConnell muttering something over his SOUP AND SANDWICH.
You say something, Mitch? In four years, youve done nothing for me. No wall. No infrastructure. You couldnt even repeal Obamacare!
McConnell just stared back at Trump as if the president were a heckler disrupting his dinner.
Hi, Mr. President! Sen. Rand Paul chimed in.
What the hell is he doing here? Trump asked.
So, Im up for reelection in a couple of years, and I could sure use your help. I might be challenged by a bright, young Democrat named Charles Booker. Hes so popular, folks back home are calling him HOT ROD CHARLIE.
What are you smoking, Paul? You have a HIDDEN STASH or just got HELIUM for brains? Trump said.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. A young man entered and announced that Pope Francis had arrived.
Pope Francis, thanks for coming, Trump said. I need you to do something for me. I need you to make me a saint. Its my only chance at winning re-election.
Mr. President, you lack every ESSENTIAL QUALITY necessary to be considered for SAINTHOOD, Francis told the president.
Listen, Francis Can I call you Francis? Ive had many dealings with a lot of saints and, quite frankly, they werent that smart, Trump told the pontiff. You know I went to the best schools. Saints should be strong, too BROOKLYN STRONG. Some of the saints youve got these days not so strong. Low energy.
Im sorry Mr. President. The Catholic Church just doesnt make deals like this, Francis responded.
Catholics love me, Franky. You should see some of the rallies. Im welcomed LIKE THE KING. Trump said.
Im sorry, Mr. President.
This is why youre getting passed by other countries, like Saudi Arabia, Trump snapped back. You should see what the Crown Prince is doing in Mecca and Medina. The Church could use some of that MEDINA SPIRIT.
Plus, the Prince knows how to make a deal. Were going to build a Trump tower in Medina, right next to the mosque. Its going to have the greatest MANDALOUN windows in the world. Just think, all those pilgrims could be coming to the Vatican, instead. Sad.
I dont think it works that way, Mr. President.
Youre making a big mistake, Pope. Youll be begging for a deal when you see the KING FURY coming your way.
Do you mean King as in, Holy Fathers fury?
Everybody out! Trump exclaimed.
Suddenly, a secret service agent burst into the room. Mr. President, we just found a note in your room. We think it might be a new threat, the agent said.
Whats it say? Trump asked.
If youre up for a MIDNIGHT BOURBON, KEEPMEINMIND. And its signed with: A Storm is a-coming.
Oh, thats not Just leave it where you found it. Trump said, before adding, Here, put this note with it.
What was on the note? Pope Francis asked.
Im gonna ROCK YOUR WORLD, Trump said.
Have you ever heard of Stormy Daniels, Father?
[And the rest is history.]