Comer is a spineless git, Schultz is a bellend

I don’t even know where to begin this week. There’s just too much going on to concentrate on any particular villainy.

Ah, the old “I don’t have any ideas” opening to get this shitshow moving along. I’ll give you your dues: When it comes to cliché-ridden drivel, you’ve got the Louisville market cornered.

Didn’t you once hire me as an ad writer? At your own company? Indeed you did. So who’s the wanker?

Fair point, mate. But give us some credit: At least I ultimately recognised my error and sent you packing to pick up your UB40.

Bollocks. I left of my own accord when a better gig came along. One where I could actually look up to my boss. Geddit? But speaking of wankers, our raison d’être, how about that James Comer bottling it? Fuck, I really thought he was going to show some Alberts and actually challenge Bevin.

Imagine watching Jeff Flake for the last two years and deciding, “Yeah, that’s who I want to be like.” What was it he said? Something like “Kentucky deserves better than Bevin, but I’ll be buggered if I’m going to risk my career on it.” Spineless git.

He probably reviewed some internal polling, saw Bevin crushing him statewide and then thought better of it. Can’t really blame him for that. And as we’ve said before, better a GOP governor who Frankfort loathes than one it likes and respects and who has a vague idea about how to laws get passed. Crass, boorish and increasingly bonkers Bevin may be, but you’ve got to hand it to him: He knows how to get nothing done. The man’s hopeless.

True. Laters, Comer, we hardly knew ye.

There was disappointment on the good guys’ side of the governor’s race this week too. Or was it last week? Anyway, what the hell was Gill Holland thinking? Disqualifying, wouldn’t you say?

I don’t know. It’s voluntary, and it’s not as if he isn’t already in an elected position.

Voluntary, my arse. I know he’s probably a mate of yours and all, but if you’re running for higher office you know you’re going to get asked for your tax returns. If you follow the shady examples our nitwit governor and Day-Glo turd of a president set, this ought to be a straight red. I’m all in on Beshear now.

Not Rocky?

Hell, no. I like his folksy demeanour — but not when it comes to reproductive choice, not on your nelly. I’m plagiarising Julius Goat here, one of my Twitter heroes, but “pro life” doesn’t have anything to do with reducing the number of abortions. These people, Bevin especially, oppose everything that’s scientifically proven to reduce the number of abortions: free contraception, mandatory, postnatal paid leave, publicly-supported childcare and so on. Everything that makes the life they claim to cherish bearable for prospective mums of all incomes. So they don’t care about reducing the number of abortions, only about criminalising abortion. Which doesn’t mean you’re anti-abortion; it just means you’re predisposed to putting more women in stir.

Who’s this geezer you’re ripping off? He sounds smart — which also confirms my suspicion that nothing you’ve ever said is original.

Again, you hired me, putz. Now, as a known coffee shop lurker, I assume you’re all over Howard Schultz’s quest for the presidency?

I have to wonder if any public figure has turned himself into a comic book baddie with greater speed. It took years for R. Kelly to generate the same amount of public animosity. So in fairness, wow. What a bellend.

It’s remarkable what a charismatic — and idea-free bore — he’s turned out to be. A sort of boardroom bimbo with all the charm of a stock photograph. Not to say he didn’t run his coffee shops well — or admirably from a progressive perspective — but it does make you wonder if he actually came up with any of those ideas himself.

Like yours, I suspect most of his best ideas were actually someone else’s. Perhaps his most significant achievement so far is making me think that Michael Bloomberg isn’t such an arse after all, which I’d have said was impossible before. Plus it started important conversations about the integrity of having billionaires in the first place… conversations I’m all for.

And thanks to our two esteemed senators we’re getting some transparency in government now that it’s open again. As in, it’s transparent that they want the government to work for them but not for anyone else, thank you very much.

It’s hard to make any argument not to support general election days as national holidays — especially since people are more than willing to give up Columbus Day, an absolute national embarrassment of a holiday, in exchange. McConnell, shameless worm that he is, even managed to get yet another pop at federal workers into it. His motivation to oppose it couldn’t be more transparent.

And little Rand pocketing more than half-a-bar from getting duffed up by his neighbour, despite spending most of his political career campaigning against exactly that kind of compensation. Hypocritical little quisling.

How about we end on a bit of schadenfreude? Because talking of getting rogered, it looks as if that unctuous nonce-of-a-dandy Roger Stone may be looking at doing time. I remember the lather you got into when he fronted you on social media. I don’t think I’ve seen you that exercised since I forced you to use Chicago over AP.

Let’s see how cocky he is when he has to trade in his Saville Row pinstripes and Lord Snooty top hat for an orange jumpsuit and reach-around.

You might be a shit advertising writer, but, by Harry, at least you’ve finally become a righteous one. Victory, me old China, is ours. •

This article appears in February 6, 2019.