Bevin’s Fancy Farm speech

With only hours left before Kentucky politicians converge for the annual political slugfest known as the Fancy Farm Picnic, it remains unclear whether the state’s top politician, Gov. Matt Bevin, will attend and participate. Fortunately, LEO’s crack investigative reporting unit has obtained a copy of Bevin’s speech, should he show up for this time-honored tradition.

“Hello to all you good, righteous followers of mine! Honest, hardworking Christians. Decent, caring capitalists. Protectors of corporate America. Defenders of freedom and, above all else, life of the unborn!

To the rest of you lazy, socialist hippies and Twitter trolls, get a good look. After this, consider yourselves blocked.

You, too, Fake News. Nobody likes or reads your failing papers. These people who truly love and care about Kentucky, don’t want to hear from you, Tom Loftus of the Courier Journal — a sick and perverted reporter who uses drones to spy on my children.

Or you, Joe Gerth. Not sure why you made the trip. Someone told me even Joe’s friends say he’s a dick. Hey kids, want to grow up to be a tasteless writer nobody reads or takes seriously? Follow Grouchy Joe Gerth.

He probably studied French Literature or Interpretive Dance in college.

If you want to hear all the great things your dear leader is doing for you, read Kentucky Today, the most honest website in Kentucky. They’ll publish all the positive propaganda I want you to hear without the spin and filter of so-called journalists.

I notice desperate-to-be-like-daddy, Little Andy Beshear over here. Surprised he could find his way from Loserville!

It must be nice to be Little Andy, who uses taxpayers’ hard-earned money playing politics and obstructing my pro-business, pro-Christmas agenda. I bet he’d even argue that kids shouldn’t be allowed to choose to pray with their classmates and teachers during school hours.

And what will Andy do when the court isn’t loaded with all these incompetent, hack judges who keep getting elected? A more sensible, cost-effective system for imposing my will would be to allow me, the governor, to appoint judges.

What would you do then, Andy? Promise more healthcare just like daddy?

You see, Little Andy… and you lazy freeloaders out there who think the poor deserve dental and vision care: There’s something more important than one’s health — Dignity. Poor people want dignity. They want to take ownership over the healthcare they can’t afford. Poor people don’t want to spend weekends with their kids, after working multiple, minimum wage jobs just to keep afloat. Poor people want to spend those few remaining hours volunteering, earning Bevin-points for their healthcare — and dignity.

Understanding what matters to poor people is why 17 percent of voters elected me three years ago, and that’s the type of leadership that I’ve brought to this state. Seventeen percent.

Speaking of great leadership… should I choose to continue leading this state, I can promise you four more years of greatness and this time without Little Andy trying to sabotage my grace.

For starters, we will repave The West End of Louisville in Prayer Rocks. The Prayer Rocks have been working miracles all over the state. And, along with more Prayer Patrols, we will solve the gun violence problem in West Louisville without spending a single dollar.

Speaking of poor West Louisville, even if we don’t takeover the unmitigated disaster that is JCPS, charter schools are coming to that poor neighborhood, where every poor child will be able to enter a lottery to win a voucher to attend a school. Immediately, we’ll see these poor little boys and girls joining checkers clubs, not gangs.

When I’m finished revolutionizing education, the people will see the transformative profits that can come from for-profit education.

Some in the media would like you to think that I’m just doing all this to prove my conservative credentials — that I’m just using this position to run for higher office.

Well, let’s face it… none of us like Mitch McConnell.

So, in all likelihood, this is it. You can go back to a corrupt Beshear in the governor’s office, someone who will force upon the poor some health insurance they didn’t want and didn’t need.

But I promise I’ll never forget you, Kentucky. Especially the 83 voters who put me over the top in my first gubernatorial primary and on track to the U.S. Senate, then the White House. My plan is panning out. Just remember, my plan is His plan and #WeAreKentucky.”

This article appears in August 1, 2018.