Bevin hates his job, reek Paul kisses Trump

So have you ever been to Fancy Farm?

I’d rather go on a double-header to the Ark and Creation Museum with Ken Ham as my personal guide than attend that shitshow. As a part-time snark, I’m into politics, but, fuck me, standing out in the Kentucky humidity putting up with that bollocks? Seriously, who in their right mind does that?

I assume people who get paid to be there. Mitch can still draw a crowd wherever he goes, but, nowadays, it’s the pitchforks-and-torches variety. Which is utterly delicious and leads me to believe he won’t attend this year. I’d be more into it if it regularly degenerated into a mass drunken brawl — although it’s even more weird and creepy that it doesn’t. Do you think Bevin’ll turn up?

No, he’ll be too busy licking his self-inflicted wounds, I reckon. He sees himself as above the fray, above the coarse behavior of the unwashed rural masses, even the white ones who vote for him. I expect he’s busy painting more rocks to combat the exponential rise in drug deaths since his last bout of rock painting. How’s that prayer patrol of his going, by the way?

It’s hard to say if it’s better or worse than the rock painting. I’m trying to remember, but didn’t he call out people for mocking the prayer patrol and rock painting? I feel as if he did, and here we are, completely and utterly vindicated. I expect a full and frank apology will be forthcoming.

I admit, I’m slightly amazed by how unpopular he’s become. To the point where a fight between him and Andy Beshear might end up in single-digit turnout. I think it probably hardens him against running for governor again. He hates the job, I’d think. He’s achieved next to nothing, sees his future in D.C., not in Frankfort, and the sooner he has an excuse to leave the hillbillies in Kentucky, the better.

At the same time he knows that the one-in-three-ish who do support him are more than likely to be hardened GOP primary voters. So although he’s deservedly unpopular with all decent people, and increasingly with people who aren’t decent but are capable of introspection, he’s not necessarily unpopular with the ones who might help him unseat McConnell. And those are the only ones who count.

It’s almost as if he believes there are just enough rubes in Kentucky who’ll believe whatever crap comes out of his currently bearded face and, as anyone who knows this state is well aware, he’s absolutely right.

Two points: First, I hope Bevin growing a face-rug will put an end to this hipster-beard-silliness once and for all. Second, maybe the rubes are waking from their slumber, what with the whole Medicare-dentist thing, the scam masquerading as work requirements and so on. Perhaps they’ve seen through his very obvious con, the one that claims that making poor people’s lives shittier improves society — which of course is total and utter bunk. In fact, there’s an enormous benefit to society in providing some form of decent living standard even to people who won’t work, because if you don’t, they aren’t going to turn into energetic entrepreneurs, they’re going to turn into desperate robbers.

And if you say that to any conservative’s face, they’ll reluctantly agree with you; namely, that without some form of benefit system, their children will be robbers too. They’re OK with that. It doesn’t change their minds; it just reveals the truth.

And therein perfectly illustrates the bollocks that is libertarianism.

Nice segue, because we can’t leave without discussing Reek Paul. Imagine that, prostrating yourself to kiss the Dear Leader’s ring — that being Vlad, of course — in support of an obviously compromised president whom history will judge as the worst in this nation’s history (if it hasn’t already). I’d love to know what dirt Trump has on Reek.

I don’t know that he has anything on him. They’re just both cynical, usurious narcissists who enjoy using power to make themselves feel masculine: They’re the very definition of bigotry. Although — and often overlooked — among the handful of verifiable utterances to come out of Trump’s gob in the last decade one of them was when he called Rand Paul ‘truly weird.’ And his posturing on this Supreme Court lunatic Trump was told to pick was equally absurd. As if he wasn’t always going to line up politely and vote for him.

Having a reputation for sticking to your values is far easier to maintain when self-preservation is the only value you had in the first place.

Speaking of which, let’s go national. Is Guiliani the world’s worst barrister, or is Cohen? No points for a tie in this match. Pick one or the other.

Easy. Cohen’s clearly an idiot and a disgrace to the profession, but not so thick he doesn’t know when the game’s up. Guiliani, however, is actually managing to make Cohen look competent, so he’s exponentially worse.

Guiliani hadn’t practiced law in three decades, and it shows. It’s like hiring a 90-year-old Arnold Palmer as your ringer for a golf competition, and then finding out he can hit the ball only 60 yards.

Isn’t Arnold Palmer brown bread?

I believe so, which is sort of the point. Fredo is going to sing, isn’t he?

Of course he is. Fat Nixon will sacrifice his man-child son without giving it a second thought, and as soon as he does, all of that ‘I was never good enough for you’ resentment is going to boil over. He’ll sing so much he’ll probably guest star on ‘The Voice.’

Maybe he can come to Fancy Farm?

No, mate, he’s not going to a fancy farm. He’s going to a shitty prison.

Mic drop. Nice one, Cyril.

This article appears in August 1, 2018.