Ask Minda Honey: I Love Him, But He Is Broke!

Hello Minda,

I’m looking for a little advice on something that’s been bothering me for some time in my relationship. I have dated this guy for one year. He seems great and perfect and everything right. Unfortunately, I make more than he does. At the moment that’s OK; we live in separate houses and everything. However, he has said on several occasions that before the end of the year, he will be approaching my family to traditionally ask for my hand in marriage, as per our culture here. This is fine; however, I am worried that this would mean if we were to get married, I would be the breadwinner, and this is not what I envisioned for myself. I want to be with him, but I cannot stop this nagging suspicion that I might be making a mistake! Would be so grateful for your insight!

—Poor Him

Dear Poor Him,

Did you listen to that new Gucci Mane album that just dropped? It’s his 100th one. I know it’s wild, but the man has work ethic. Anyways, there’s a track on there called “Potential,” and the hook is basically, “You got potential, you got potential.” He’s singing it about some woman who gives good head, but I think it’s applicable to this scenario, too. There’s a whole lot you can do with a man who’s topped up on Act Right but has a low balance in his bank account. A man can have all the money in the world, but if he’s an asshole with commitment issues, what good does that do you? This dude has been steady for a year and is making his intentions known that he wants to be in your life for the rest of life.

You didn’t mention how old y’all are, but there’s always potential for him to increase his income. Have you had a discussion about your goals and vision for the future? Also, on the new Gucci album are several tracks that are clearly about his wife. This woman was by his side when he was doing lean and in and out of prison. She got him into fitness, eating right and sober. It’s impressive really and not something I recommend any woman go through ‘cause most of us won’t get a dude with an eight-pack and a gazillion dollars out of it — but, what I’m saying is that sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to work with a person who mostly has what you’re looking for. This, I think, is different than settling. Especially when it’s something as minor as making more money. Help bae polish his resume and coach him in salary negotiations. Encourage him to go back to school for that master’s. Go with him to some networking events. Buy him a career coach for Christmas. There are ways to get a man’s money up. This doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.

And marriage vows frequently state “for richer, for poorer.” Even if you had a man with a plentiful savings account, anything could happen a few years into your union that could destroy that financial stability. Then what? Would you leave him? I personally don’t want to be in a marriage that can’t weather the devastating things life is likely to bring our way. What if your man was injured and couldn’t work at all ever again and was dependent on your care? Are you ready to do all that? What if y’all have a high needs child and that sucks up all the money you were envisioning taking annual international trips on? How much does the money really mean to you?

And really, it all goes back to what I frequently say: If you’re really into someone, you’ll overlook just about anything. So, if you’re hesitant about your perfect partner because his money ain’t long, then likely that’s an excuse. Maybe it’s him. Maybe you’re just not ready for marriage. Whatever it is, you need to sort this out with yourself, then be honest with him. Because a year is a long time to keep a good one off the market if you aren’t really into him. The available ladies of Louisville demand you release him! He could be out loving on a woman who doesn’t mind picking up the tab and vacations that include stays at the Holiday Inn. And you could be on your way to loving a man who has ample dough to offer you. Figure out what you really want — whether it’s him or not — and then go out and get it.

—Minda

This article appears in July 3, 2019.