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MINDA! I just got dumped! Do you have any good book/audiobook suggestions to help me move on and be the best version of myself? Dumped-but-Motivated
Hi there!
I have so many good suggestions to get you back to feeling like yourself again. Not feeling like you anymore is a major part of what hurts about being dumped. Being dumped shakes our understanding of who we are and how others see us. It makes you ask a lot of questions about your value, and, just on a logistical and practical level, you need to restructure your entire life around the gaping hole your ex left behind. Suddenly, the texts throughout the day are gone. You no longer need to be conscious of defaulting a large percentage of your free time to that person. Theres a bunch of info about someone elses preferences that are no longer relevant to your life.
What does your life look like, and who are you now? Generally, our life and its goings-on will rush in like water to fill in the empty spaces, and were basically brought back to who we are at our core because that doesnt tend to change. So, getting over heartache is a lot about getting back to you. That being said, before I give you my recommendations, I have a few suggestions for things you shouldnt do, as well. Dont force yourself to get over someone by getting under someone new. This is all good and well if youre feeling the vibe. Otherwise, youll just feel 5,000 times shittier and potentially break someone elses heart in the process. Dont do a ton of social media spiraling. I saw someone on Twitter call this emotional cutting. And I advise against getting shitty drunk in a bid to prove to everyone how little you care and how fun you are. Thats a bad idea…
OK, so finally, my recs for moving on and being the best you that you can be.
Books:
Attached. by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I listened to this on audiobook. It helped me understand why some people make bad partners and how that doesnt really have a lot to do with me. Dont take it personally. Just move on. This book will also help you discover your attachment style.
Its Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons Youre Single by Sara Eckel Eckel lays it all out. Love happens on its own timeline. And often, you dont have any control over the randomness of it. This book comforted me in my early 30s. All you can do is live your best life and be the best person you can be and hope someone comes along that can appreciate that.
Podcasts:
Ghost of a Podcast by Jessica Lanyadoo. This is actually an astrology podcast, but she gets a lot of relationship advice questions, so its a worthwhile listen. It can also be helpful in reminding you that youre not the only one going through what youre going through. So many people are facing the same struggles.
Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel. This podcast allows you to sit in on an anonymous couples counseling session. Perel is an expert in her field. Her advice can often be applied to your own situation, even if yours is nothing like the couples in question. I feel like my emotional intelligence explodes every time I listen to a few episodes of her podcast.
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is all about getting unstuck creatively. When youre serving your most creative self, you really dont have time for any nonsense in your life.
Distractions:
A Catch-Up Tour. Go on a catch-up tour of all your friends you were probably neglecting while caught in all your relationship drama. And dont just spend the time lamenting about your ex. Actually get up to speed on whats happening in their lives.
Get a Goal and Accomplish It. Anytime Ive been in a tough place in life, setting a goal and methodically going about achieving it has always helped me get by. Getting consumed by something beneficial is a way better way to spend your time than frittering it away on hurt feelings.
Minda
This article appears in February 26, 2020.