Ask Minda Honey: Gemini friendship trouble

Jul 5, 2017 at 12:26 pm
Minda Honey
Minda Honey

In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life: [email protected].

Minda Honey, My current partner and my ex-partner have always been very close friends. My ex has been saying things to my current partner that make her feel like my ex is challenging her knowledge of me. Example: “Has So-and-So told you the story about this thing that happened to them yet?” or “So-and-so and I did XYZ once, and it was so much fun.” This behavior has been noticed by past partners, but I wrote it off because those partners had very intense jealousy issues. I don’t think that this is the case with my current partner. My ex is acting like a jealous person way too many years after her own decision to not be romantically involved. It’s making my current partner uncomfortable! I should also say that she has been an incredible friend to both of us and neither one of us want to lose our friendship with her over our relationship. She’s just a Gemini trying to get her cake and eat it too it seems.

—Gemini Problems

Hey G.P., Let me start by letting my readers know that this question has been trimmed down due to space constraints, but this is the general gist. Also, this is one of those cases where I know the letter writer and the awesome partner too! I don’t know the Gemini-bestie, but that’s probably because I’ve met all the Geminis I need to meet in my life. Well, I take that back, I’d totally meet Beyoncé’s new twins.

Anyways, I know y’all Geminis are probably feeling some kind of way about this letter, but you all can feel free to send all your Capricorn slander — and relationship advice questions! — to [email protected].

Here’s the thing. Geminis can be super thoughtful, compassionate and the type of people who go after what they want. A Gemini I was dating stayed with me a few days while I was in grad school, and when I came home from class, he’d cleaned my entire room, made my bed and washed all the dishes in the kitchen — and those were my roommates’ dirty dishes! He’d also left me a little gift on my freshly-made bed. Swoon.

But that same Gemini was also flaky, stubborn and always going to do what he wanted to do regardless of my input. With Geminis, and all people really, you gotta take the bad with the good. And it seems to me like that’s what you and your partner are trying to do. I wonder though, if your partner shouldn’t be the one to take the lead on this.

I could understand how this would mainly be your responsibility if your partner weren’t super close friends with this gem of a Gemini. That would mean that you’re the one subjecting your partner to this person, so you should be the one to handle how this person engages with your partner. But if your partner is besties with the Gemini, I recommend she speak up when her best friend says, or does, something that makes her uncomfortable. The only connection you have to this situation is that you happen to be the topic of discussion. You can’t go back and un-date the Gemini or wipe her memories “Spotless Sunshine of the Eternal Mind” style. As long as you aren’t doing anything to encourage this behavior and make sure that you support your partner when she takes her stand, you’re good.

As far as the Gemini’s behavior is concerned, it could be that seeing the happiness you and your partner share is making her regret the decision she made so many years ago or she could be feeling insecure about how close the two of you are getting and worried that your relationship with each other is going to eclipse your relationships with her. And when we’re feeling insecure about something, we often exhibit compulsive behavior that we know isn’t cool, but can’t seem to stop ourselves from doing. It’s like when I have a pimple on my face and I’m worried people are staring at it so I can’t stop touching it, which in turn brings attention to the pimple on my face that I don’t want anyone looking at.

I think your partner calling out the behavior might be enough to make the Gemini realize what they’re doing and stop. They might need a few more gentle reminders here and there, but if this person has truly been a great friend to each of you for a very long time, I can’t imagine that they want to intentionally do anything that’s damaging your friendships. And if there are any low-lying feelings, this creates an opportunity for them to surface and be addressed. You all won’t know until you ask.

—Minda Honey