Cover Story
Louisville secedes!
Rays of sunlight bounced off the Ohio River on an unseasonably mild summer afternoon as Mayor Jerry Abramson and assembled city leaders stood on the deck of the Belle of Louisville, waiting for the last of the local and national press to gather. “I’m amazed we’ve finally arrived,” Abramson told a reporter, flashing a toothy…
Publisher approves Fake Issue
When I sat down to write this column, having spent the last two weeks writing and reading the wholly fabricated news, reviews and opinion pieces that follow, I wondered whether to be sincere. I thought about how readers would respond to an attempt at sincerity as the portal to an issue filled with utter —…
Keep Louisville Weirder
Sitting in the office of Dr. Otto Venkman in the boiler room of City Hall, two things become readily apparent: (1) The man is extremely eccentric, or (2) he might possibly suffer from acute heat stroke. It’s sweltering down here, but Venkman doesn’t seem to mind. Chiefly, there’s the matter of his desk, covered in…
Panda Bear wants abortion, shuns publicity
The Louisville Zoo has reported that its star panda, Xing Hua, is contemplating having an abortion after “giving it a lot of thought and intense soul-searching,” a press release said. “We’re here to support Xing Hua,” Wendy Kellerman, Xing Hua’s handler and confidant, said at a recent news conference, “not to judge her. What she…
Locavore Lore: It doesn’t get more local than YUM!
Feeling the hot, humid fingers of summer wrap their sticky tentacles around your neck? With the summer solstice just behind us, the lengthening days are drenching our fields and gardens with photosynthetic vibrance, and there’s never been a better time to savor the edible bounty it produces. Yet, with this increased sunlight and summery warmth,…
Art: God’s six-day ‘Nature’ exhibit not without flaws
In an ongoing exhibition, The Earth Gallery is featuring “Nature” by Louisville artist God. According to the press release, God completed the several billion pieces in about a week — six days of non-stop creation and one for a much-needed rest. While the installation overall is breathtaking, it is not without flaws. I spent a…
Wish you were here
I chose the title “Wish You Were Here” for this column because that is a phrase one might find written on the back of a picture postcard mailed from some exotic location by a loved one who is traveling, and, as far as anyone knows, I have been on vacation. I am back now, sitting…
Book: Early life and loves of Limbaugh revealed in ‘Fat Man Cometh’
‘The Fat Man Cometh: The Secret Homoerotic Life and Times of Jerry Falwell, as told to Rusty Sharpe’ By Jerry Falwell (with Rusty Sharpe). Bloviator Press, 999 pages. First published in 1989. Those in the know (i.e., the typical LEO reader) will instantly recall that Rusty Sharpe was the name of Rush Limbaugh’s first…
America is like a really nice bathroom
We live in the greatest country in the history of this or any other planet in all the known and unknown universe. I was reminded of this recently when I used the automatic soap dispenser in the men’s room in one of our city’s finer saloons. As I positioned my palm beneath this hi-tech device,…
Original Highlands: cheap knockoff of older, higher place
The Original Highlands is actually a cheap imitation of an older, higher place, possibly the Scottish Highlands or Haight-Ashbury. The stunning discovery was announced at a press conference by Tom Bowen, a local narcissist. Bowen’s research, which appears in the July issue of the journal Gentrifried!, further shows that the historic, trendy Louisville neighborhood is…
Chief White most ironic person in Louisville
The votes are in and the people have spoken — Metro Police Chief Robert White is the most ironic person in Louisville. After hearing the news, Chief White held a press conference outside police headquarters, rejecting the title of most ironic person and announcing plans to legally change his last name. “I am sick and…
Theater: A mid-season review of ‘Metro 26’
(Louisville Metro Government presents “Metro 26,” every other Thursday at City Hall. Directed by Jerry E. Abramson. Admission is free.) The worst thing about going to see a “Metro 26” show has to be the seating. It’s limited, uncomfortable and noisy. The old wood-and-steel chairs squeak and creak at the slightest movement. Unfortunately, the dreariness…
The Bar Belle: On the wagon
I’m giving up the sauce. Really. I just can’t continue to wake with the heaviness of constant guilt for my actions the night before. I’ve drunk texted my last message (sorry, Mom!), trudged through my last hangover and rode on my last City Scoot. Today I will go through all 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.…
Coming clean
It’s time I come clean. I can no longer play a part in LEO’s little charade. But before I do, let me start off with a quote by Richard Nixon, the real quote I’ve always kept folded in my pocket: “Always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember: Others may hate…
Film: ‘Cinema Inferno’ not in Vogue with predecessor
(Directed by Laura Varda. Starring Rachel Grossman, Daniel England and Will Oldham. Rated PG-13; 2:06.) “Cinema Inferno,” by Laura Varda, is the newest and most extreme version of the ultra-hip “Mumblecore” subgenre of American indie films. The title is a reference to “Cinema Paradiso,” that misty-eyed 1980s Italian movie about the transformative power of cinema.…
As murders decline, 2X searches for job
Dressed in a crisp, freshly tailored suit, Christopher 2X paces back and forth in front of the emergency room entrance at University of Louisville Hospital, head down and mumbling to himself. He stops when a family of four approaches. Before they see him, the activist adjusts the thin frame of his glasses and slaps on…
Cordish opens faux City Hall at Fourth Street Live
Scheduled to open later this summer, the new tenant of Fourth Street Live, dubbed Your City Lounge, has been vaguely advertised but is creating a lot of buzz downtown. Preliminary plans list a wellness center, neighborhood cleaning company and 24/7 public security department, among other services YCL will provide to customers. Though many are eager…
Video TapeWorm
THIS WEEK’S TWIN PEEKS 12 ROUNDS 2009; $39.95, UR Wrasslin’ John Cena stars in this seriously dumb actioner. His girlfriend (Maxim-momma Ashley Scott) is kidnapped by an ex-con who demands his nemesis Cena survive 12 challengers to win her release. So why are we highlighting this stinker? It was directed by Renny Harlin, the man…
