Shout-outs to Thanksgiving next week, an illustrious celebration of manifest destiny and your garbage disposal of a bodys acrobatic digestion. In theory, Thanksgiving sees millions travel home for polite familial conversation about your lack of job and relationship prospects. In reality, it means collapsing across those musty, torturous benches in your local airport, bodying a greasy, grody box of Popeye's, or good god, the MRE-ready cardboard smorgasbord of the perennially upsetting Cibo Express, eyeballing that vacuous Jonathan Franzen hardcover collection of hot farts staring at you from inside the Hudson News window, all because someone decided the climactically-turbulent city of Chicago should serve as the nation's air travel hub, trolling the American people coast to coast every November. Savage! On the bright side, I guess the whole ordeal provides our nations television stations with a trove of fantastic B-roll footage of people standing around in line, so thats something.
But hey, perhaps you can't make it home for the holidays, because of work, money, time, or a bubbling resentment toward your dad. Horrah, no dealing with abominable airport food that offends every sense. But also, bummer! It turns out you have no idea how to cook because you're a grown child. Nuking a hot dog without it exploding and decorating the inside of the microwave with pig butthole is a major kitchen accomplishment for you.
Rather than make feeble, futile attempts to whip up something truly only appropriate for feeding a dumpster fire, why not find a group a like-minded chuckleheads and, by virtue of the Captain Planet principle of our powers combined, throw the time-honored and cosmopolitan tradition known as Friendsgiving!
Hell yeah, buddy! What a great idea! The fellowship is nice and undoubtedly one of your friends will bring over a thing of Fireball. But before you consider running out to grab some Cathy Mitchell Dump Cakes and Stove Top for a prix fixe of awful, why not instead take advantage of all the delicious tastes of the season inside the Watterson and completely outside the foreboding territory known as "the kitchen with the official choose-your-own-adventure WELP! To-go Turkey Go-tos Guide. While a bit pricier, this strategy hands-down beats whatever amorphous, unappetizing, Black-Hole-Sun-video-came-to-life-lookin-trough-slop mistake of nature you birthed from the oven. Get to gobblin!
Option One: Piecemeal!
Grab of the best of whats open for take out.
Kroger
If you're gonna phone it in, you've gotta go full measure. Really phone it in. And the only way to not phone in the phoning-in is to hit up the supermarket certain members of my family refer to as "Krogers" for their No Fuss Turkey.
Turkey with no fuss? Surely you jest. No, its true! "Your guests will swear you spent all day in the kitchen but dont worry your secret is safe with us!" says Krogers copywriters. After enjoying a No Fuss Turkey last Thanksgiving, I can emphatically say there was 86 fuss. (86 is commercial kitchen jargon for no or none, which you wouldve known if you had ever been gainfully employed.) Simply cut the netting, unwrap the bird and follow the instructions that call for a 400-or-so degree bake over a couple of hours. It's not even the dreaded clamshell package! So easy! Simply knife through the easy-to-remove plastic, plop that dead ass avian mass on a baking sheet, and don't open the goddamn oven door. Leave it alone. It requires non-action. Even you can't screw this up despite the fact youre a sad lump of human soft serve who laughs at Daniel Tosh jokes.
Expect a savory, slightly salty outer skin and smoky flavor throughout. I mean, its turkey theres a ceiling on how good this thing is gonna be, and the Kroger No Fuss is pretty good. Well, its not dry, at least.
Again, dont play jazz. Close the oven, set the timer, pour some of that Fireball down your dumb gullet and leave it the hell alone. Its best that youre minimally involved.
Kingsley's Meats
A Bowman Field institution, Kingsleys permeates the air within a 2-mile radius with delicious smoked barbecue in the warmer months and mouth-watering roasted meats in the winter. Youre not here for livestock flesh though. Youve already snagged the bird that youll place in the oven and not touch again with your grubby little hands until that timer goes off though. No, youre at Kingsleys because you know your baking skills will result in a wanton endangerment charge and theyve got casseroles. Masterful, carefully layered, delectable casseroles, my dude. You cant go wrong with the green bean, sweet potato, or the broccoli cauliflower casseroles, and all run six bones per pound.
As well, Kingsleys has you covered on the corn pudding, mashed potatoes and cranberry relish front. Spend that money on some palatable food, rather than wasting it all betting on your fantasy football team because you somehow havent realized yet its D&D for meatheads (use promo code staywoke).
Frankfort Avenue Beer Depot
I love the F.A.B.D. Smokehouse. Rich, dark, peppery Texas-style sauces and slow-cooked grilled goods for years this place has trounced Marks Feed Store on the BBQ field like the NFL on Fox scary robot thing. Your mission, one thats in your best interest to accept, is to grab their mac and cheese and signature cinnamon apples for $5.50 a pound each. Of course, as a courteous individual who tacitly abides by the social contract of polite society, you called this in ahead. Despite the Kid Rock tour t-shirt you choose on your own volition to wear in public, youre alright!
You dont need pumpkin pie, if were being honest with each other.
Option Two: Shirley Maes This is the official WELP! recommendation. Make accommodations.
Listen this is the real shit. Shirley Maes is for those unafraid of bold flavors and real-deal Southern cooking. This discreet, no-frills, open kitchen, cash-only Smoketown joint regularly serves up deep and esoteric soul food like chitterlings and ham hock alongside some of the best side dishes this side of Claudia Sanders.
Shirley Maes offers a pre-order form for holiday meals, and lest there be no doubt that its your one-stop shop. Smoked and baked turkey, meatloaf, and, of course, their famous ribs are all available to-go. Sure, ribs arent exactly Thanksgiving proper, but have you even had their toothsome, lip-smacking, explosively sauce-lathered ribs? Shirley Maes ribs possess healing qualities. Studies have shown their palpably slow-cooked and succulent ribs can reverse the aging process. I mean, do you think the pilgrims played by the rules? No! They werent feelin the Church of England, held beaucoup grievances against the crown, and straight-up split. Now we have Thanksgiving. Order you some ribs if you want em.
Oh, man, though the sides you can grip em by the quart. Mashed potatoes, their slightly aromatic and perfectly balanced sweet potatoes, assorted gravies and dressings, seven different pies, and because we assume God to be a benevolent being, the Shirley Maes hot water cornbread. At $6 per dozen, you could afford maybe five or six boxes. It is categorically the citys, nay, the states finest cornbread, in large part because of its distinct texture resembling something closer to a crossbreed of a hush puppy and a biscuit (aint mad) than the traditionally flaky, crumb-shedding, muffin-like cornbread lesser establishments feel fine plopping on your plate.
When you pick up your order Wednesday afternoon, you will get greeted by some of the friendliest folks youre likely to encounter in the restaurant world. This is a true family establishment. And you will then head back home to enjoy an authentic soul food-style Thanksgiving meal you dont deserve.
Option Three: The path of self-loathing Im so very sorry.
Lets say Shirley Maes is a little too adventurous for you, though. Maybe real down home cookin with unabated, actual flavor just cant jive with your adolescent palate that salivates at the sight of Bagel Bites. Perhaps, love it or loaf it, youre a fool and thats just who you are. For the truly pitiful and lazy gourmand like you, theres Cracker Barrel.
Go with the meatloaf I guess, because the only thing better than baked shredded cow guts is baked shredded cow guts shaped like bread. Also, as Chuck Klosterman once noted in a conversation about advancement theory, you can get chicken and dumplings with a side of chicken and dumplings, which is truly advanced. Not a great solution, truth be told, but in the presence of free will and full moral agency, you can totally swallow the blue pill if you want to, and accept the consequences thereof.
Exit through the country store and pick up that golf tee triangle wedge game on the way out so you can empirically prove your idiocy in the comfort of your own home. Dang, eg-no-ra-moose again.
Afterparty
In the event Netflix and chill took a detour, maybe its time to give your liver the workout it doesnt need. The Back Door, Sergios World of Beers and Nachbar, among other great establishments (call ahead!), are open to serve you the gnarly Early Times and diet you like to order. Strike up a conversation with the plethora of divorced dads and people who resent their families. Take an Uber back to Flavortown though, lest you find yourself in the tank with people who make inexcusably poor choices like checking on the Kroger turkey every few minutes and opening the over door apropos of nothing. Dont be that guy.
Happy Thanksgiving, ya turkeys!