A study came out this week that found teens who take virginity pledges are just as likely to have sex as teens who don’t. Shocker.
It got me thinking: New Year’s resolutions are like virginity pledges. Lots of people make them, but so few follow through. Lots of people attach their chastity belts to treadmills this time of year — swap out Gin & Juice for Jesus Juice. They disappear for a few weekends, only to turn up wasted and horny by mid-February.
“I’m not drinking until St. Patrick’s Day,” they proclaim.
“Good,” I reply. “Fewer assholes at the bars.”
Alas, it’s Dec. 31, and I’ve got a few bad habits to change. So I’m gonna lay them out here and offer specific ways I might change them. If I accomplish just one, I’ll be proud. And so will my mom.
1) Lose weight. How? Drink less beer. Substitute gin and/or bourbon. Soda instead of tonic. Stay away from pub grub. Walk to the bars.
2) Don’t gossip. How? Don’t hang out with people you know while you’re drinking. Advise your friends not to tell you secrets. Wear earplugs.
3) Read more. How? Yeah, with “Lost,” “The L Word” and “Big Love” coming back on, that’s not really going to happen. Next.
4) Meet new people. How? See Resolution No. 2.
5) Go on dates. How? If I had an answer to this, do you really think I’d still be single? Salt, meet wound.
6) Spend less. How? Only go out for happy hour. Have a few drinks at your house before venturing out. Flask.
7) No more drunk texting/dialing/Facebooking/MySpacing. How? Whenever you get the urge, Twitter your Yahoo!.
8) Expand my horizons. How? Travel. Watch “Jeopardy.” Become a stagehand at Connections’ drag show.
Happy New Year! Check out my daily reasons to drink at barbelle.leoweekly.com
This article appears in December 31, 2008.