I have, on more than one occasion, almost missed a flight in the interest of finding something better to eat. Those crusty, scone pastry things tough enough to balance a table with at the kiosk near my gate simply won’t do.
At DET in the McNamara terminal, Sora Sushi Bar serves a conscience-shifting bowl of authentic spicy ramen with a perfect 6-minute egg. Should you find yourself at DFW, the powerhouse smoker of Hill Country, Salt Lick BBQ, awaits your brisket platter order. Friggin’ Rick Bayless has a tortas joint at ORD! And next time I’m connecting through ATL, as you do for any given destination including the afterlife, I plan to take a direct route to the unique dining experience that is Ludacris’ Chicken ’n Beer concept.
As tourism increases and Louisville sets its sights on achieving world-class status, SDF hopes to level up the gateway to the city as part of a $9.5 million investment from the Louisville Regional Airport Authority, plus $8 million from the private sector. This includes new lighting, carpet, artwork, infrastructure and concessions. Seasoned travelers out of Louisville are more than familiar with the previous food offerings including Quiznos, basically a version of Blimpie that Febreezed itself, and Stars of Louisville, the culinary equivalent of a nebulous. third-generation dubbed tape copy of T.G.I. Friday’s. To wit, the options are not that great.
First conceptualized in 2014 and with hammers swinging in January of this year, the first major phase of the project known as Terminal Enhancement, which, interestingly, is how I used to describe myself on OK Cupid under “hobbies,” is on track to be completed before this Christmas season, according to executive director Skip Miller. The new food choices will prove to be better… and more local. Of course, unless you’re a package, SDF is not a major connecting airport, meaning Malcolm Gladwell sales are down at the newsstand, and these concessions are for those who call Louisville their first or final destination (approximately 48 percent of all passengers are locals, according to Miller). “A lot of thought went into how do you welcome people back home, and at the same time, how do you introduce people to Louisville and let them know what we’re about as a community,” Miller told me in conversation at the LRAA office.
Coming attractions rolling out early next year include Coal’s Artisan Pizza, a St. Matthews favorite, the Bourbon Academy Tasting Room, which will feature almost 100 choices, and a Starbucks Evening concept aka. boozy Starbucks. Per the latter, Louisville is only the fourth airport — alongside big dogs JFK, LAX, and DFW — to offer the tapas-and-wine version of the coffee shop, which catches America’s ire every holiday season because of their cups don’t pack enough Jesus and Santa in the design. On how SDF landed this exclusive concession, Miller said, “When I started here, that Starbucks was the highest grossing Starbucks on a per-square-foot basis.”
Just before this year’s busy Thanksgiving travel season, though, a number of newly-opened concessions await your patronage right before you yell at your relatives about how they voted this month, and we’re gonna check ‘em out. And by we, I don’t mean the royal we. Due to security protocol, I must be accompanied by airport staff the entire time. Natalie Chaudoin, head of PR, was my lovely chaperon, and she stood by in presumed horror as I prepared to plant my face into multiple meals of differing caloric intake at each vendor throughout the terminal.
But where to start?
“Now, I wasn’t brave enough to try the Smash Fries, but if you’re feeling adventurous I’d love to hear how they are,” Miller said as we started to adjourn. Say no more, Skip.
Per Welp! protocol, each dining adventure receives its own scale. This time, we utilize some of the world’s most famous aviators (featuring two different Teds, by the way) with top honors boasting Capt. Sully Sullenberger all the way down to crop-duster-cum-ET killer Russell Casse (I know, he did end up helping to save the planet by flying kamizake into the ship’s weapon, but to be fair, any given airport croissant in projectile form could manage the same task). Cabin door’s closin’!
Where: Smashburger What: Truffle Mushroom Swiss with Smash Fries Cost: $12 Rating:
Served on an egg bun over a layer of gooey, toothsome swiss cheese, the burger came perfectly salted under a generous portion of mushrooms and herb-forward truffle mayonnaise. And those Smash Fries, despite sounding as if they were named after the time someone fed The Incredible Hulk some gnarly Ore Ida, were quite delicious — thin cut and tossed in rosemary, garlic and lots of olive oil. No sauce needed.
Despite a lengthy line on a busy Thursday afternoon, the meal came out faster than Jack Fox can warn you about the moving sidewalk coming to an end. Keep in mind, the sodium content of a meal such as this dictates dry mouth about 20 minutes after consuming, so you might want to grab a water before boarding, rather than wait for your complementary ginger ale. And for Christ’s sake, do not take such a greasy and effervescent meal onto the plane with you. Finish it before the gate, heathen.
Where: The Farmers Market What: Louisville Club and Okra Snacks Cost: $16 Rating:
I paired the Louisville Club with another Kentucky favorite — okra — in dried form this go round. The okra snacks were oddly sweet. Perhaps I never noticed the saccharine quality of okra previously, and no sugar was added, if you’re to believe the ingredients. Not my favorite dehydrated vegetable. Stick with kale chips.
Thumbs down on all fronts.
Where: KFC What: Zinger Sandwich Cost: $6 Rating:
Though readily available outside the U.S., SDF’s KFC is the only one in the nation to feature the Zinger, “a spicy, extra crispy chicken filet hand-breaded in store,” says the press release, “with fresh lettuce and Colonel’s mayo” (marketing team … rethink that name). Always striving for an exclusive, unique experience… hell yeah, baby. Gimmie the Zinger.
Folks, this is how KFC plans to compete with Chick Fil-A. A toasted, sesame seed bun, breaded chicken with heat, iceberg greens and a creamy finish … that’s the Chick Fil-A. number three. Eat moar Yum Brandz.
Now, some of Chick Fil-A.'s corporate culture gives me pause, as it may with you, given some of their controversial past. Employees from Yum!, on the other hand, marched in last summer’s Pride Parade, and the company boasts a respectable score from the Human Rights Campaign (see Yum’s 80 to Chick Fil-A.’s 0, hoo boy). But a fast-food spicy chicken sandwich of that caliber … that’s a to-go white whale. The Zinger is basically a Chick Fil-A’s spicy chicken without any liberal guilt, and considering KFC’s headquarters just a couple miles from the terminal, eating here technically ticks the locavore box, too.
A resounding W all around.
Where: Comfy Cow What: Regular scoop of Bourbon Ball Cost: $4 Rating:
This reddit thread seems to agree. Perhaps I’m just acting the zealous neighbor squawking about backmasked messages on Judas Priest records, replacing the metal records with “friendly cow adorning beloved dessert institution,” and satanic messages with “wieners and such.” Still yet, as the home of Hunter S. Thompson, we should embrace the hilarious mental image of greeting our visitor so suggestively.
Know what else is funny? I audibly cracked up at the amount of ice cream handed to me from the associate across the counter. This was a regular scoop — not a large. See my hand to scale (I have normal, non-Trumpian hands).
Creamy and chunked with homemade Old Forester bourbon balls, it took serious restraint to not ingest the entire bowl and all the 1,500 calories with it. Since the Comfy Cow is located just on the other side of security before exiting, take a detour before flagging down your cab, or pinging the Uber. It’s messy — don’t bring it in the car with you. C’mon, man.
Where: The Today Store What: Kentucky Bourbon Taffy Cost: $8 Rating:
But no, it’s just a Hudson News, rebranded. But the souvenir selection is quite decent, not the least of which is the bag of bourbon taffy that I’m woofing down all uncivilized as I type this very article (many apologies to my dentist Dr. Pendleton). These are good as hell — the sweetness of your typical garden variety saltwater taffy tempered by the oak-iness of bourbon with strong caramel notes and a touch of nuttiness. Throw one of these in your carry-on and give it as a gift to the host letting you crash their home despite the lack of manners you’re exhibiting eating that Smashburger in the aisle seat.
