Oldham County wankers, Christian heritage and medical pot…

Did you ever walk out of school? Chucked out, more likely.

I did my fair share of running out as fast as I could when the bell went off, especially in the last couple of years, but, overall, I enjoyed it. It wasn’t until college over here that I became more of a militant. I did enjoy the arts though — visual and fistic. So watch it.

My fault for asking such a silly question. But still, got to hand it to these kids for bunking off school with more dignity than I ever did. A special mention for Oldham County, which did the most Oldham-County-thing ever by giving in-school detention to kids who wanted to protest about not getting shot.

Oldham County administrators, what a bunch of wankers… but unlike you, the product of weekly thrashings in the showers at a posh boarding school, I spent much of my childhood getting dragged from one protest to another by my parents. Proper Bolsheviks, not that white-bread fraud Sanders. Made me the man I am today, I tell you.

Right, a dedicated bourgeois capitalist, landowner and quaffer of nonalcoholic champagne. No good deed goes unpunished, eh?

A wholly-rational survival response now the world has once again been taken over by robber barons and gangsters. Speaking of which, and as much as it saddens me to say, the British response to this Russian-getting-gassed-whilst-feeding-the-pigeons-thing is utterly pathetic. Yet also totally predictable, mainly because most of the West is now owned by the Kremlin mob.

A preposterous exaggeration, even by your own controversy-is-my-brand standards.

Not really. The Brits and the Yanks have been eager accomplices to the state capture in post-Gorbachev Russia. It was all “Oh, this Russian billionaire is an oligarch, and that’s all right because we don’t really know what that means, so when it turns out that it means someone who stole the country’s assets, lock, stock and two smoking, it’s sort of too late.” Once we decided that we wanted their rubles more than we wanted the rule of law, we became part of the gang. So, like Kleinfeld, we’re all gangsters now.

What a thoroughly depressing and negative analysis. Why bother with anything if it’s all going to end in a hopeless bloody mess?

I didn’t say it would end in a hopeless bloody mess for everyone. I still hope it’ll end up in a hopeless bloody mess for the perpetrators of these crimes against civilisation, wankers like Trump and McConnell. And McConnell — what an epitaph he’ll have: “Chief Trump Enabler.”

I loathe him more than I loathe you, but knowing that history will judge him in the harshest possible terms gives me some solace. But still, if you think the proles are about to have a road to Damascus moment and start voting in their own interests, I’ve got a Willie Horton ad to sell you. Although the wealth gap is widely discussed, the knowledge gap isn’t… and it’s even more vast. That works in favour of the GOP and Trump, who in a rare moment of candour said he loves the uneducated, who in turn would rather eat the nuts out of their shit than vote for what would actually help them.

Time will tell.

Don’t say that. If there’s a more banal, trite expression in the English language, I’ve yet to learn what it is. Of course time will tell.

Don’t get sweaty with me, sunshine. Much more butchery of our mother tongue, and I’ll give you a reminder of your Tom Brown-esque school days delivered with a fistful of North London fives.

Let’s not squabble, especially since it’s Matt Bevin’s “Christian Heritage Week.” It’s good that these oppressed and persecuted Christians get to celebrate their faith in the public sphere because it’s not like they don’t already wear their piety on their T-shirts. Plus I’d hate to ruin our friendship by kicking your Hampsteads in.

Funniest thing you’ve ever said. We do have a lot of Christian heritage to celebrate, though — public executions, roaming torture squads, genocide, slavery, child marriage, you name it, all part of Christianity’s rich legacy.

I can’t believe Lundergran-Grimes cosigned onto that silliness. Actually, now that I think about it, I totally can believe she did, utter wet that she is. Beshear wouldn’t have caved.

And you can bet your last brass farthing Bevin’ll cite his faith when he vetoes medicinal marijuana legalisation, which he’ll do despite the fact that it could be the financial lifeline this state’s so desperate for.

Yes and no. Yes he’ll veto it and put it down to his morality, therefore implying that he’s superior to others, which is perfectly befitting of someone whose superiority complex makes you look like a basement gimp. But it’s not a panacea, financially: It would help, but marginally.

I’ll call bollocks on that, son. Look at the revenue being generated in Nevada, Washington and Colorado. It’s a license to mint.

I don’t buy it. Sure it’ll bring in money, but not enough to get us out of the budget hole we’re in. States that are making money, particularly on the legal-for-recreational-use side, are doing well right now because they’re oases of legality in a vast desert of illegality. Once everyone is in on it, revenue per state will collapse. I’d also hazard a guess that a lot of growers in legal states want to sell to illegal states because the margins are much higher where the Man isn’t grabbing a slice.

For someone with barely a pot to piss in you seem remarkably well informed about the drug trade.

Thus perfectly illustrating the true value of a boarding school education. Now pass me the keys to my chariot of fire, you grubby oik; I have children to take to the mall.

This article appears in March 21, 2018.