TopGolf wankers… why old people should shut it

A mate of mine from school invented Topgolf, you know.

So we have some chinless Bertie Wooster from Reigate to thank for this? I knew it. I mean, what could be more Reigate than a bunch of gormless, private-school wankers sitting about drinking piss while obnoxiously discussing the relevance of their balls.

Precisely. A mate of mine and his old man punted around an idea years ago about casino golf — you know, turning a driving range into a sort of destination for hanging out and losing proper money, rather than to just practice your shank. It didn’t go anywhere, mind, but lo and behold a couple of years later, Topgolf appears.

I’m sincerely struggling to imagine a less attractive place at which to waste my hard-earned dosh and time. Southeast Christian perhaps, but it’s a close-run thing.

Which is what makes it all the more attractive to decent people. Combining two of your least favourite things — booze and golf — means it’ll be the last place anyone’s day will be ruined by bumping into you. So I’m all for it.

As it so happens, I’m not against it myself, even if the concept makes me want to chunder. Honestly, what the hell else is going to go into the old Sears space? What other businesses are desperate to move in? It’ll either decay and fall to pieces or become the world’s largest Dollar Tree. Given that choice, I’ll take the golf and badly dressed wankers. I’ll never set foot in it, so if it keeps the city’s twats in one place it basically kills two birds with one stone. Colour me sold, mate.

Meanwhile the local opposition is extraordinary to behold. Do these people not realise that they already live in close proximity to two large shopping centres and a busy motorway? Do none of them have curtains? Windows that shut?

Right? It’s a bit bloody late to start worrying about noise and traffic. It’ll happen, the NIMBYs on Linn Station will be up in arms for a month or two, then before we know it, the place will be open and all the fuss will die down once it dawns on them how stupid they made themselves look. It’s the same embarrassing feeling they’ll get when they bin their Leet yard signs.

I hope so. It’s not as if we’re beating investors off with a shitty stick. This just exposes Louisville’s conservative heart once more. And fuck me, did you see the oppo crowd at the meetings?

Yeah, not one of them under the age of 60. All going home in their SUVs to their McMansions and gilt-edged pensions, another mission to fuck up the future accomplished. Baby Boomers are the shittest of all the named generations. I reckon future historians will rename them Generation Fucking Selfish Cunts.

I’d stop old people voting, me.

Hang on, aren’t I supposed to be the one with the controversial opinions?

I would. I mean, if you have no stake in the future, why do you get a chance to decide what the future looks like? We don’t let kids vote, but they are the ones with a future, not 80-year-olds.

So are you suggesting we let children vote?

No, although I’m sure the world would be a more pleasant place if they could. I certainly believe 16-year-olds should be allowed to participate in decisions that’ll have a huge impact on their future. And I’m definitely suggesting that once you reach average life expectancy, you ought to have less say in how the country is run since, statistically, you’re much more likely to be worm food when the impact of the decisions is fully realised and understood. Instead, we live in a tyranny of the old. Here and back in Blighty.

But won’t that mean that old people are treated even worse?

Poverty in old age is already getting worse, not better. More elderly Americans work than in any other advanced economy other than Japan, where nobody ever fucking dies. So, in fact, you could argue that there’d be an incentive to make sure that old people are better looked after, since everyone’s ability to influence policy ends once they hit 73 — or whatever American life expectancy has declined to by the time we decide enough’s enough. But real decisions that impact the future shouldn’t be made by someone who’s going to be brown bread long before it happens.

Hmmm, it becomes less controversial when you think about it. But it’s never going to happen. Those nabobs love nothing more than voting for Christmas by having psychopaths like McConnell and Bevin fuck the country and the planet up — so long as it’s planned to happen after they’re dead.

I wonder if McConnell gutting Social Security will change things?

Ha! Ha! You’re having a tin bath, aren’t you? If changes come to Social Security, they’ll be just like the teachers’ pension plan here: They won’t affect people who’re close to retirement. They’ll affect the poor buggers who’re retiring in 20 years’ time.

I’d gladly give up my right to participate in elections once I hit that age, if I get there, or at least give up my right to have my vote count as much as a 20-year-old’s. As it is, Generation Fucking Selfish Cunts has far more say in what happens to the country than it ought to, including, it seems, cheering on a president who just added accessory to murder to his achievements. So the future makes “The Road” look like “Mary Poppins,” and it’s mostly thanks to old people.

Well, next time we meet up we’ll know just how fucked up this country is. We’ll either have a revolution in decency or the complete and utter capitulation to Ingsoc.

“Top Golf, beer and above all gambling, filled the horizons of their minds.” Sounds about right doesn’t it?

This article appears in October 24, 2018.