Savage Love: Come Now

Q: Fortyish, straight, white dude here. I have this weird (possibly misogynistic) belief that, when it comes to sex, I can’t win. Actually, I think men in general can’t win. Thoughtful, well-meaning men at least. It comes down to this: During sex, if the man doesn’t come, it’s the man’s fault, because he clearly has problems with his dick and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. If the woman doesn’t come, it’s also the man’s fault, because he’s clearly bad at sex and doesn’t even care and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. So am I a misogynist or just a guy with issues? Any advice for me moving forward? —Yeah, I Got Issues

A: If you’ve been with women who blamed you when you didn’t come, YIGI, and then turned around and blamed you when they didn’t come, well, that had to be annoying. Or maybe you’re referring to something in the ether and not to any inability-to-climax/inability-to-induce-climax shaming you’ve actually come in for. (Have you been with women who shamed you like this? If so, and again, that had to be annoying. Have you been with any women at all? If not, it’s possible your letter is an MRA setup and/or you’re a misogynist with issues.)

If this has actually happened to you, YIGI, chalk it up to “some people are awful, women are people, some women are awful” and let it go. And remember this about men: Sometimes we come during sex, sometimes we don’t, the number of times we don’t increases with age. Focus more on intimacy, connection, and mutual pleasure, YIGI, and less on spooging all over everything — and seek partners with the same focus.

As for women: You do know that dick alone isn’t gonna do it for most women, right? Only a small percentage of women can come from PIV intercourse alone. (If you didn’t know, you know now, and you’re welcome.) And you’re familiar with the clitoris, right? (If you weren’t, google it, and you’re welcome.) But if you find yourself in bed with a woman and you’re having difficultly helping her come (you’re there to help not make), ask her if she can make herself come. If she can’t, odds are you won’t be able to help her come, either — not you, not anyone else. If she can make herself come, ask her to masturbate to climax while you watch. Make a close study of what works for her. If she touches herself in a certain way, learn to touch her in that way. If she busts out a vibrator, use that vibrator before, during, and after PIV or instead of PIV. Good luck.

Q: I’m a fan from way back. A therapist told me to go out and have some fun — I’m a married woman with teen boys and feeling a bit lonely — but I’m not looking to have an affair. I just want a spanking now and then. I found the one kink club I visited in New York to be kind of depressing, and my spanking friends are more of a social group who hang out on the weekends. I just need a little recreation — some good, clean spanking fun. Would love your advice. —Seeks Paddling And Needs Know-How

A: Kink enthusiasts, like dentists and accountants and troglodytes (hey there, CPAC), have conventions, SPANK, where like-minded/employed/aroused folks meet and socialize before heading up to their hotel rooms for some good, clean kinky fun. I think you should get your ass to one of the many spanking conventions out there — and so does Jillian Keenan, journalist and author of Sex with Shakespeare, a memoir about your shared kink (spanking) and how Shakespeare’s plays helped Keenan discover and accept herself, as a human being and as a kinkster. (It sounds like a stretch, I realize, but do yourself a favor and read Sex with Shakespeare — it’s a funny, moving read, and it’s packed with fresh and convincing kinky reads on Shakespeare’s plays.)

“National parties are a great way to get safe, fun, no-sex spankings and meet other people in the scene in a low-pressure environment,” said Keenan, who sent along a list of events all over the country: Shadow Lane (Las Vegas), Boardwalk Badness Weekend (Atlantic City), Crimson Moon (Chicago), Spanking Club of New York (New York City), Texas All State Spanking Party (Dallas), and Lone Star Spanking Party (Houston).

“There are some parties I’ve chosen not to attend for political reasons,” said Keenan. “The spanking community isn’t immune to heteronormative bullshit, unfortunately, and some parties explicitly prohibit M/m play. Any party for sexual minorities that prohibits expressions of other minority sexual identities doesn’t deserve our time or our money!”

Q: Someone asked me to pee on them and offered to pay me. I didn’t know what to do. They weren’t unattractive. Would you pee on someone for money? —Perplexed European Enquires

A: I’m not ready to go pro at this stage in my career.

Q: I’m a straight man who was recently dumped over text by a woman after we dated for about four months. I thought we were in love, but she said she doesn’t have room for a relationship in her life right now. I know this is BS. I think she dumped me so that she could sleep with another guy. In fact, I think I know who the guy is. Anyways, I recently had some rebound sex (it was awesome), and the whole time during it, all I could think about was my ex-girl sleeping with this other guy, and it kind of turned me on. Am I weird? —Moving On, Remembering Ex

A: When you say you know “this is BS,” MORE, I trust you’re referring to the text she sent when she dumped you — “I don’t have room for a relationship right now” — because that is definitely bullshit. People say that to be kind, and it’s our job to hear what they’re really saying: “I’m not interested in being in a relationship with you, right now or ever.” But if what you mean by “this is BS” is that she loves you too but had to call it off to go fuck some other guy and you still might have a shot with her, please disabuse yourself of that belief.

Now, in answer to your question, MORE, you’re not weird. I don’t think your reaction is typical, but variance is the norm when it comes to human sexuality. It’s high time we all embraced this bit of cognitive dissonance: Everyone is weird, so no one is weird.

If you and your ex are still speaking/texting, and you think you may be on potential future-FWB terms, MORE, you could go for broke and tell her about your weird-but-not-weird (and unexpected) reaction to the thought of her with this other guy. If your convos gravitate toward sex or sexy memories — mutually — let her know you’re up for either a FWB/MMF threesome sometime or some cuckolding-themed dirty texting. She may be game, she may not be — but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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This article appears in March 1, 2017.