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Unmitigated gall
Gov. Fletcher briefly transferred his powers to Lt. Gov. Pence so the governor could have his gall bladder removed. The gall bladder — the body’s metaphorical repository for repressed anger — had been shot full of lead by vice president Dick Cheney. (In Cheney’s defense, it’s hard to draw a bead on Fletcher and not hit gall.) Left with a nasty bloodstream infection, Fletcher and gall, sans bladder, recuperated in a Lexington hospital, where he pardoned several hospital employees.

Miles per hillbilly
In its ongoing effort to solve the overpopulation problem, the state Senate passed a bill to increase the speed limit on rural highways to 70 mph. Meanwhile, the House rejected a primary seatbelt law. If that’s not enough to hold the population in check, the General Assembly plans to invite vice president Dick Cheney to the state for a hunting excursion.

So many Cheney jokes; so little ink
Democrats Ron Weston and Perry Clark captured the most votes in the 37th district House and Senate special elections, respectively. Immediately after the polls closed, Virginia Woodward and Dana Seum Stephenson both claimed victory — even though neither was on the ballot — prompting calls to bring vice president Dick Cheney to Kentucky to silence them once and for all.

Enough already!
Satan nominated Robert Irwin Cusick of Louisville to oversee Hell’s Department of Freon Services. No, seriously, President Bush nominated Cusick, of the Louisville law firm Wyatt, Tarrant & Combs, to the post of Director of the Office of Government Ethics, an agency that edged out “creation science” and “Democratic leadership” for Oxymoron of the Year. In his new job, Cusick would advise administration officials on conflicts of interest in … ha ha ha ha ha ha oh, stop. Uncle!

(No need to) Hide your daughters
What is more boring, lonely and depressing than playing video games? Watching somebody else play video games, that’s what. And what could be worse than that? Watching thousands of nerdy losers play video games! That’s what Louisvillians will get a chance to not do in June, when the World Series of Video Games descends on the Kentucky Fair and Expo Center. Nobody knows yet just what the event is, but it’s sure to attract more dweebs than a Spike TV “Star Trek” marathon on prom night.
By jim welp
jimwelp@gmail.com

This article appears in February 21, 2006.

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