Ask Minda Honey: Why is it so Hard to Find a Black Man who Dates? Black Women?

In a relationship or life jam? Lemme unstuck your life — send your questions to: AskMindaHoney@leoweekly.com or reach out to me on Facebook.com/AskMindaHoney

Hi Lou-vers! Wait… Do we like that? You know like, Louisville + Lovers = Lou-vers. I’ll put a poll up on my Facebook page, and you can let me know if you totally hate it or not. I need to kick off this week’s column with a couple of updates, then we’ll dive into the question.

The Catfish Texter I shared with you all that I got a text from a man looking for his gym buddy. I informed him he had the wrong number, and then he began flirting with me because the convo tapered off. I tracked down at least 11 other women he texted using the same general format for each. None escalated beyond texting to actual date or even a phone call. I’ve not heard from him since our initial exchange.

I reached out to Louisville police to see if they have tips for dealing with a potential Stranger Danger texter, but I didn’t get a response. If I do, I’ll be sure to update you.

‘Five Things’ on WFPL with Tara Anderson Last week, I was Tara Anderson’s guest on “Five Things.” You discuss five of your most prized possessions and Tara asked some great questions about what it’s like to write an advice column. The link is posted to my Facebook, but you can also visit WFPL.org to take a listen.

OK, on to this week’s question.

Dear Minda, What is the frog-to-prince ratio in the dating world? I know that some people don’t want marriage, or they are cool with open relationships, but I am not. Trying to meet black men who want to date black women is way harder than it should be and all the black men I have attempted to date don’t want to date. They are fine with just sex and kicking it. The black women I know who are in interracial relationships seem so happy. Plus, I recognize that over 70 percent of the successful black men in my sector (CEOs, directors, CFOs) are married to white women. It is exhausting. My real question is: Should I give up on black men?

—A.N.N.A. (Amphibians Need Not Apply)

Hi A.N.N.A. As I sat down to write this column, Facebook served me a dozen smiling couples as “People You Might Know.” But that’s Louisville for you. It’s a bubble that makes it easy to forget that things aren’t always what they seem. It’s time to pop your bubble, A.N.N.A.

While it’s true, twice as many black men marry outside their race as black women, (according to Pew Research it is 24 percent versus 12 percent), that means still more than 75 percent of black men are marry within their race. Pew Research also reports that intermarriage among African-Americans is more common among those with no college education and is less likely the older you get. So, as a college-educated black woman past her 20s (I’m assuming) who is seeking the same in a partner, these stats are working in your favor, my friend.

That doesn’t mean what you’re looking for will be easy, though. It just means it isn’t unrealistic. But might that mean you’ll have to move to a city with a larger percentage of black executives? Probably. Does that mean you might have to give up some of the other traits you find valuable? Likely. You have to decide how important black love is to your life and how much you’re willing to sacrifice for a chance at it.

Now, on the other hand, as someone who’s asked herself similar questions, what I’ve come to realize is that when you meet that person with whom you have the kind of energy that makes you want to marry them, the rest is bullshit. The rest just becomes excuses you were using to defend yourself against disappointment. You won’t care what race, height, income bracket or amount of hair your partner has if they are the person finally loving you the exact way you needed to be loved. Who would let that go because it doesn’t fit the fairy tale in their mind? Sometimes, what you want isn’t always what you need.

I’ve dated broadly across racial lines, and let me tell you, no one group has the monopoly on being disappointing in a relationship. I recommend opening yourself up and going on a few dates with whatever kind of person that intrigues, and see how you feel. See if you’re able to open your mind and heart up to someone you never expected. I mean, at this point, what do you really have to lose?

This article appears in January 16, 2019.