December 19, 2006

Video TapeWorm: Releases through Tuesday, Dec. 26

THIS WEEK’S TWIN PEEKSJACKASS: NUMBER TWO2006; DVD $29.95, R/URSecond resurrection of the “Mondo” movie genre with Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O and crew out to see just how funny disgusting can be. And it is both funny and disgusting, often at the same time, with painful stunts, shit-eating, sperm-drinking and other activities that even LEO’s lax “editing” won’t allow us to relate. We predict an American landscape dotted with the remains of dumb teenagers killed or mangled trying to become “Jackass” movie stars. Now THAT would be a movie!THE BLACK DAHLIA2006; DVD $29.95, RThis has Brian De Palma written all over it, which means that you can expect an amazing two acts before crashing in the third. But those first two acts are worth the pain as Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart investigate the real-life murder of a young woman found cut completely in half, with Scarlett Johansson and Hilary Swank as distracting eye-candy. Set in late-1940s L.A., the real star is James Ellroy’s fabulous novel, a complex web of government corruption, police cover-ups, pornography and abuses by the wealthy, all designed to reveal to the reader his/her own leering voyeurism.ANGST2006; DVD $24.95, RA terrible name for a terribly funny horror-thriller (titled “Penetration Angst” in Britain). Fiona “Twisted Sisters” Horsey stars in this naughty Limey tale of a shy but friendly lass whose mommy-parts literally devour men alive — leaving their clothes in a pile on the floor! Meanwhile her would-be boyfriend, jilted and confused, falls in love with the non-lesbian half of Siamese twins. Murder, mayhem and missing members of Parliament ensue.DANE COOK’S TOURGASM2006; DVD $29.95, URStand-up comics Dane Cook, Gary Gulman, Jay Davis and Robert Kelly try to recreate the magic of “The Blue Collar Comedy Tour,” traveling across the country to perform at college campuses. Far edgier than the cast of “Collar,” they first try to make the best of life aboard at cramped bus until they finally go mad, breaking out the paintballs and porno before inventing real-life video games that involve unsuspecting victims.DARK REMAINS2006; DVD $26.95, RA very complex, original and ambitious indie-ghoster about a married couple whose daughter is mysteriously murdered. Trying to start anew, they visit a secluded mountain cabin that turns out to have its own bloody history as the daughter’s spirit seems to re-emerge.FACTOTUM2005; DVD $24.95, RBased on the autobiographical works of Charles Bukowski, toasting sex, alcohol and ennui as he floated aimlessly through an undirected existence. Similar to 1987’s “Barfly,” Matt Dillon takes over the Mickey Rourke role as a fairer-looking, but far more depraved, anti-hero who considers his bottom-feeding misanthropy an antidote for all the world’s false promises.HARE/GUU: VOL. 62005; DVD $29.95, URIf you have a rotten little brother or sister, we think you’ll appreciate this comedy anime series from Renjuro Kindaichi about a 10-year-old boy whose mother adopts a feral orphan girl, a demon-seed whose entire life seems dedicated to making him miserable and getting him into trouble. Wonderfully bizarre.HAVEN2004; DVD $27.95, REntertaining, if flawed, tale set in the Cayman Islands starring Orlando Bloom, Bill Paxton and Zoe Saldana. Once an idyllic tropical paradise, the islands have become home to every tax-dodging criminal and miscreant imaginable, bringing with them violence, drugs and crime that the local police are unable — or unwilling — to stop.HUGO POOL1997; DVD $12.95, RNew pressing of a modern cult favorite. Alyssa “Charmed” Milano plays a bikini-clad pool-cleaner named Hugo with lots of oddball clients and family including Patrick Dempsey, Malcolm McDowell, Cathy Moriarty, Robert Downey Jr., Richard Lewis and Sean Penn. An unpredictable and sly funny/sad romantic comedy; definitely the best thing Missy has ever done.MAGMA: VOLCANIC DISASTER2006; DVD $24.95, PG-13/URSomeone once wrote that any truly bad movie has to have one self-referential clue as to just how bad it is. Case in point: the title of this USA Channel turkey. It truly is a disaster when Xander Berkeley and Amy Jo “The Pink Power Ranger” Johnson join forces to prevent Armageddon AND save their troubled marriage while low-rent Russian-made CGI blobs of rock fly through the air. Man, do we love crap like this!MONARCH OF THE MOON/DESTINATION MARS!2004; DVD $24.95, URA pair of modern-day odes to cheesy sci-fi serials of the past. “Monarch” takes on the “Flash Gordon” — or maybe “Prince of Space!” — genre as super-Army-guy The Yellow Jacket battles the evil Oriental, Dragon Fly, whose Jap-Bots and Nazi Death Rays threaten the whole planet! Then, a cadre of sexy Martian women spoof “Mars Needs Women” by taking over suburbia with rows of marching garbage-can robots. Not as good as the B-movies they imitate — how COULD they be? — but fun, nonetheless.SHEITAN2006; DVD $22.95, URA big hit from the 2006 Toronto Film Festival about a spooky groundskeeper (or is that redundant?), Vincent Cassel, who frightens teens at Christmas with increasingly disturbing tales of Satanic sex, incest and the Anti-Christ while his pregnant wife remains hidden away upstairs. In French with subtitles.THE DESCENT2006; DVD $28.95, RFrom Neil Marshall of “Dog Soldiers” fame comes this similar tale of six women on a spelunking trip in the Appalachians who find themselves trapped underground by hideous sub-human revenants. A perfectly made straight-up horror flick with just the right amount of gore and perfectly timed shocks that — quite literally — had us jumping off the couch.THE LAST KISS2006; DVD $29.95, RWhile the credits say that this hip romantic comedy, a remake of the Italian “L’Ultimo Bacio,” stars Zach Braff, Rachel Bilson and Jacinda Barrett, the real stars are the plentiful and completely gratuitous nude scenes that seem to pop up everywhere. If you’ll pardon the term. Zach lives with Jacinda, but feels life is passing him by until Rachel comes along. Co-staring Lotsa Bare-Butzintheair.OTHER DVDS OF INTEREST:AIRWOLF: SEASON TWO1985; DVD $39.95, URKONG ISLAND/THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME1968; DVD $7.95, URLEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK1972; DVD $9.95, GNEW ADVENTURES OF HE-MAN 11990; DVD $49.95, URTHE AZTEC MUMMY COLLECTION1957; DVD $24.95, URTHE SIMPLE LIFE 4: ’TIL DEATH DO US PART2006; DVD $19.95, URA more complete listing and free vids at!