I genuinely believe that if I ruled the world, things would run a whole lot smoother. I mean, I probably won’t volunteer for the position — I’m sure it involves working later than 5 p.m. and going to meetings and shit. Who’s got time for that and happy hour? But I’ve been making a list in my head in case I’m ever called upon to rule the world. I’m gonna share it in hopes that I inspire you to write your own. It’s fun, empowering and a lot cheaper than therapy.
Other than the obvious — ridding the world of cancer, world hunger, poverty, heart disease, disease in general, aging and Justin Bieber — here is what I’d do if I was The Czar Belle.
I herby declare the following to be banned:
• Military time (You shouldn’t have to do math to tell time.)
• Watches and clocks with hands (See above.)
• Taxes on beer
• Doing your taxes
• Crappy series finales (And you must get my permission before killing off main characters in all television shows, except for “Duck Dynasty” and “Big Brother.”)
• The law against alcohol in parks
• Grumpy bartenders
• Loud cell phone talkers
• Migraines
• Grumpy cats
• Cover charges
• Cellulite
• Laws against dogs in restaurants and stores (Dogs are people, too.)
• Ghosts (All paranormal activity will be rounded up and relocated to West Virginia, which will no longer be a state.)
• Scary movie previews (If I have to leave my light on one more time after accidentally watching horror film commercials, I will ban them altogether.)
• Cucumbers (Unless they are for pickle production.)
• Loud motorcycles (I know the size of your log by the loudness of your hog.)
• Math (Except for bankers, accountants and Fantasy Football scorers/analysts)
• Periods
• Outlet malls that aren’t really outlet malls
• Twerking (Not the act, just the term: It will be referred to by its original title: The Jersey Turnpike)
• Skinny jeans
• Hangovers
• Traffic
• Grumpy drivers
• Vegan cheese
• Texting (Pick up the damn phone and reacquaint yourself with tone.)
• Spitting in public (Especially the kind that involves phlegm.)
• Snapchat (You send something and it disappears after a minute? How are we ever gonna blackmail again?)
• Grumpy baristas
• Twitter (I don’t need 140 characters to say, “It’s stupid.”)
• Scotch
• Wearing socks with sandals
• Warm beer
• The Kardashians and those who love them
• Overcharging on beer (Domestics should never be more than $2. Think about that when analyzing bucket specials.)
• Overcharging on gas
• Grumpy columnists
• Vegetable gardens (All vegetable gardens will be converted into beer gardens.)
• Howie Mandel
• Kickstarter (I’m confused: It’s equivalent to busking, but you have to pay the person before they sing?)
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck
• Social media after 6 p.m.
• A bar or clothing store without specials
• Expensive airfare
• Grumpy drunks
• Vanilla ice cream
Drunk Texts of the Week
• I don’t like soccer; I like to touch balls with my hands
• Let’s sign up Cahoots for Bar Rescue!
• If it dont come easy, you need a better grip
Send your drunk texts to [email protected]. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.
