I’m a 43-year-old guy (although I prefer to think of myself as thirty-thirteen), I’m absolutely single, and when it comes to dating, I often think I don’t have a clue. Not. One. Clue.
So, while looking for some advice recently online (does this constitute desperation?), I came across the website TopDatingTips.com, which conducted a survey about dating. My conclusion from this survey? I’m in big trouble. The best bet is to proceed with caution.
For instance, this survey said that 71 percent of people believe in love at first sight. Love at first sight? Are we living in a Jennifer Aniston movie? Isn’t that like naming the Super Bowl champion and then playing the season?
In the same survey, 69 percent said they would use online dating services. The way I see it, it’s easy enough to lie to someone you’ve met in person. But on the Internet? By the way, I’m not a freelance writer; I’m actually a male model. Would you like to have dinner sometime? (It could be true.)
Did you know that 45 percent of women respondents said a man’s shoes are “quite” important on a first date? I’m walking around in Chuck Taylors here. What chance do I have?
To put it succinctly, it’s tough out there, guys. It’s not our world anymore. So with that in mind, here are …
Ten tips for a happier Valentine’s Day:
1) If you start dating a woman who incessantly talks about her ex-boyfriend and frequently uses the term “we” when doing so, she might not be over it.
2) The “He’s Just Not That Into You” principle works in reverse, too. If she isn’t making an effort, she’s probably banging her boss. Or yours.
3) If your new love interest is eager to discuss the satirical subtext in “John and Kate Plus Eight,” consider dating someone closer to your age. Preferably someone who occasionally reads a book that doesn’t involve sexy vampires.
4) If she has a credit card in her purse that belongs to her parents, this might not be the one. You’re here to date, not to adopt.
5) When you take her out to dinner, does she regularly order a $12 dessert and then only take one bite? Do you realize how much beer $12 will buy?
6) She tells you in casual conversation that she has decided to give up cheating. Probably. This is not a good sign.
7) If she tells you not to post on her Facebook page, there’s probably a good reason. She probably told the eight other guys she’s screwing the same thing.
8) Does she send you 147 text messages a day? Does she suddenly like everything you like? Yeah, wait until she kidnaps your lhasa apso and your socks start disappearing.
9) How obvious is it that she wants to nail your roommate? Or the bartender she keeps flirting with right in front of you? Call it. Now.
10) Does she suddenly want to be asleep early every night? Even Friday and Saturday? If so, she might not be the fun girl she pretended to be on your first few dates. That, or she’s 75 years old. Check her I.D.
Happy Valentine’s Day, guys; be careful out there. To quote a song, “The bullet that you dodge may be your own.”
