What a Week

May 9, 2006 at 9:17 pm

Dechubbin’ the children
Under an agreement brokered by former president and nugget-fan Bill Clinton, soft-drink giants Coca-Cola and PepsiCo agreed to stop selling sugary sodas to all public schools nationwide by 2010. The agreement strengthens Kentucky’s rules and limits sales to water, milk, juices, diet soda, teas and sports drinks. Some students acknowledged the childhood obesity problem and expressed a willingness to get the sugar monkey off their backs by washing down their super-sized tater tots, pizza and sloppy joes with Gatorade, if that’s what it’ll take to make parents shut the hell up so they can get back to Grand Theft Auto San Andreas and a couple after-school Twinkies and some Bagel Bites and maybe a frozen Snickers.

Best Derby ever
During Derby Week, The Vatican hinted that condoms just might be OK after all. Coincidence? Yes. Derby can work miracles, but helping the blind see isn’t one of them. Here’s a handy Derby cheat sheet for A.D.D. readers who want to score well on LEO’s year-end quiz: The Delta Queen won the Great Steamboat Race. Or was it the Belle? Because, honestly, who give a sternwheelin’ shit? The balloons didn’t fly because of rain and wind. At the Chow Wagon, overweight, mulleted citizens congregated with the business-suit types under the interstate and drank beer and ate fried dough and shouted over the traffic noise about what a bad idea “8664” is. Paragon of civil rights, Muhammad Ali served as the Grand Marshal of the Pegasus Parade in a year when the city banned cruising on Broadway and flooded the West End with police. At Barnstable Brown, teenagers shrieked their love for celebrities Billy Reed’s never heard of. All over town, people immaculately spruced their landscaping then hid it behind millions of hideous political yard signs. Long-shot Lemons Forever won the Oaks; Barbaro won the Derby in front of the second-drunkest crowd of all time; and you got totally sunburned and loaded and lost a fortune and did some things you’re not proud of, but everybody forgives you because it was the Best Derby Ever — until next year.

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