Feb 17, 2006 at 6:01 pm

Where the rubber meets the rubber Rubbertown’s American Synthetic Rubber Co., without whose tires your SUV could not carry you to your oncologist, installed a new pollution-control device that will reduce its emissions of 1,3-butadiene from 120,000 pounds to less than 10,000 pounds per year. Thanks to the new $3 million dollar cancer condom, company officials believe your next tumor will be up to 90-percent smaller.

Brokeback mountain Now that Christ has been successfully removed from Christmas, the good people of Pikeville have taken on a similarly monumental task: removing “top” from “mountaintop.” But this time it’s not just to extract coal. Pikeville leaders claim the city is cramped for flat space and the solution is to blast the tops off of two mountains to make room for more homes, industry and maybe a Chick-fil-A (because those babies are delicious). While they’re at it, they’ll go ahead and mine any coal that just so happens to be in those mountains. God could not be reached for comment.

He also does a decent Schwarzenegger Two Kentucky Supreme Court justices recused themselves from Gov. Fletcher’s merit-scandal case, citing the inability to keep a straight face. According to the Kentucky constitution, the recusals grant the governor the right to appoint temporary judges to decide the patronage case against him. (Not a joke. Repeat: That was not a joke.) Later in the week, special judge William Wehr cleared the way for Attorney General Greg Stumbo to search the computers of 46 administration officials for self-incriminating evidence, but threw the governor a bone by ordering Stumbo to stop following Fletcher around Frankfort in a ten-gallon hat and saying, “Howdy, pardoner” in a totally spot-on John Wayne voice.

Pimp your courtroom Because a massive prostitution trial looming in Jefferson County would have been too much of a hassle, prosecutors dismissed all felony charges against 105 massage-parlor workers and owners and gave the madams back their money, in exchange for guilty pleas and the promise to never work in the illegal massage business again, cross their hearts, hope to die, stick a … well, there’ll be no sticking anything anywhere, dammit!