The ultimate sex column

Jun 15, 2011 at 5:00 am

This true sex story worthy of the ABC sitcom “Modern Family” was conveyed by a Louisville native who graduated from Kentucky Country Day in the early 1980s and now lives out of state. The names have been changed to protect a beloved putz.

Last month, Suzanne, Karl and their two daughters arrived home from a “Glee” cast concert to find their 18-year-old son, Jason, outside and clad in pajamas as a car he denied was his girlfriend’s sped away.

Moments after they retired to their respective rooms, Robin, 12, gasped: “The dog’s got something stuck in her throat. She’s gonna die, she’s choking! Oh my gosh, I think it’s a condom!”

From her bedroom, Suzanne asked, “Is it in a wrapper?”

“No, it’s been USED! I’m scarred for life!”

Suzanne ordered Karl to go talk to their son. “Why me?” he asked.

“Whadaya mean why you, ya’ schmuck? Get in there!”

Later, Jason emerged to ask Suzanne, sheepishly, “Can’t we be just a little proud that I used a condom and that I know what I’m doing?”

“Yes, but I’m not proud that you exposed your 12- and 15-year-old sisters to this.”

All the while, the 15-year-old was giggling from the security of her room, because, “She knew better than to put herself between her brother and the firing squad,” her mother tells LEO.

After her lengthy lecture, Suzanne overheard Jason lament to a caller: “Dude, the most embarrassing thing just happened to me.”

“My son is so sloppy, so lazy,” she says. “He covers his tracks about 70 percent; the other 30 he leaves to chance.” He should have anticipated that the canine would seize the evidence from his wastebasket because “dogs are all about bodily fluids.”

The anecdote reminded me of some recent inquiries on what Bette Davis called “God’s joke on human beings” — and my musings.

Q: What’s your most reliable pick-up line?

A: Are you trying to seduce me or are you just succeeding?

Q: I like to have sex in public places. Is that so wrong?

A: Are you trying to get busted or are you just succeeding?

Q: I’m into master/slave role-play. Does that make me a freak?

A: No, maybe worse — a reincarnated plantation owner. Are you into Confederate flags, too?

Q: Me and my partner were making love and I had an accident. Should I be embarrassed?

A: Definitely. You shouldn’t have been driving.

Q: How do you feel about car sex?

A: Cramped.

Q: Why do people who are abstinent live so long?

A: Their bodies are waiting to have an orgasm.

Q: Is it OK to be in a three-way?

A: My friend Joseph says it makes him feel like a circus act. I’d rather play nude Twister — if there’s a difference — because, therein, nobody gets left out.

Q: But is it gay when you’re in a three-way?

A: It’s a slippery slope. Are you afraid of falling or jumping?

Q: Is bisexuality underrated?

A: Woody Allen thinks so: “Sex between a man and woman can be absolutely wonderful — between the right man and the right woman.”

Q: Why don’t public schools promote self-gratification as an alternative to sexual relations?

A: It’s way too controversial. Parents are sharply divided over which techniques and toys are most joyful.

Q: Is it true what conservatives say — that sex-ed promotes promiscuity?

A: I’m with Beverly Mickins on this: “If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math and science, they’ve got nothing to worry about.”

Q: Why can’t Dr. Ruth or Dr. Drew be our next superintendent?

A: They’d be disqualified for saying something savvy or substantive during the interview process.

Q: I sexted my boyfriend, so now I’m afraid to dump him.

A: Fear not; your pervasive nudity will eclipse your profound stupidity.

Q: I’m trying to get pregnant, but my husband is a lousy lover and his breath is beastly. What to do?

A: Tell him, “You’ve got five minutes — and don’t kiss me!”

Q: My ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page says she’s humping Matt Damon. Is she trying to make me jealous?

A: Yes — and she’s succeeding.

Q: Aldous Huxley said, “An intellectual is someone who’s found one thing that’s more interesting than sex.” What have you found?

A: Your charming undergarments — in my car.