Savage Love: Slouching Toward 2017

Dec 14, 2016 at 10:27 am

Q: Perhaps you’re not the best person to ask, being a cis white man, but as a queer woman of color, the election had an extremely detrimental effect on my relationships with my white partners. I love and care for them, but looking at those results has me wondering why the fuck they didn’t do better in reaching out to their shitty relatives? I’m sick of living at the whim of white America. I’m aware this is the blame stage of processing, but it’s left me unable to orgasm with my white partners. I’m really struggling with what Trump means for me and others who look like me. I know my queer white partners aren’t exempt from the ramifications of this, but I wish they had done better. Respond however you like.

—Devastated Over National Election

A: First and most importantly, DONE, you don’t have to fuck anyone you don’t wanna fuck — period, the end, fin, full stop, terminus — but we owe it to ourselves to be thoughtful about who we’re fucking, who we aren’t and why.

Data isn’t a turn-on for most people, DONE, and I’m not suggesting the data I’m about to cite obligates you to fuck anyone. But queer voters (a group that includes millions of people of color) didn’t just reject Trump, they did so by wider margins than some communities of color (groups that include millions of queers). While 14 percent of LGBT voters backed Trump, 28 percent of Latino voters and 19 percent of Asian American voters backed Trump. (Only 8 percent of African Americans voted for Trump.) The shitty and unfathomable votes of some POC — and some queers (WTF, 14 percenters?) — doesn’t get your white partners off the orgasm-killing hook. It’s possible your white queer partners didn’t do enough to persuade their families back in Clinton County, Iowa, to vote against hatred, fascism, racism and Trump. (Trump won Clinton County, Iowa, by five depressing points.)

Like you, DONE, I’m struggling with what this election means. I’m not going to tell you what to do, or who to do, or how to process the election. I am going to tell you to talk with all your partners about your fears and your anger, and I encourage you to do whatever and whoever feels right going forward.

Q: If the GOP can send a huge prick like Donald J. Trump to the White House, why can’t we send our own pricks? My modest proposal: a coordinated effort to send thousands of dildos to Trump on Jan. 21 — enough dildos to make news and get under his thin skin. This coordinated effort would be supplied and vetted by responsible, women-friendly sex shops with a portion of the proceeds going to Planned Parenthood, LGBT charities and the ACLU.

—Donald Is Loathsomely, Disastrously Outrageous

A:I like the way your mind works, DILDO, but your plan would result in good dildos going to waste. So perhaps we should do a dildo version of the ice-bucket-challenge thing instead? You gift a dildo to someone through a cooperating, woman-friendly, progressive sex-toy shop, and that person gifts a dildo to someone else, and so on. A portion of the proceeds for each gifted dildo goes to groups fighting Trump’s agenda and a card gets sent to Trump letting him know a dildo was gifted to a deserving orifice in his name and a worthy organization benefited. Nearly 100,000 people have made donations to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name since the election, and that’s made news. This could too, DILDO.

If someone wants to run with this idea, I’ve purchased the URL Get in touch, show me your plan, and I’ll gift the URL to you.

Q: My wife enjoys being submissive and getting spanked. A few weeks ago, she asked to put that part of our sex play on hold. The ugliness of Trump’s sexual aggressions made her feel strange. We joked about the fun we’d have after the election. Well, here we are, and that asshole and his misogyny are going to be front and center for the next four years. How do we get back to being us?

Upsetting News Sincerely Unnerves Best Spouse

A: Voting rights, health care, public education, legal pot, police reform, a habitable planet, LGBT equality, our undocumented friends, coworkers and lovers — the Trump mis-administration is going to take so much from us, UNSUBS. We can’t let them take our kinks, too. Encourage your wife to feel the shit out of her feelings and don’t pressure her or rush her — and if she needs to put spanking on hold for the next four years, I wouldn’t blame her and you shouldn’t shame her. In the meantime, UNSUBS, maybe spanking your ass would make her feel better? •

Q: I have an idea for something that I think might make it a bit easier for us to survive Trump. What if there were “Trump Minus 100” parties? Every time we get another 100 days closer to the end of the Trump/Pence administration, we have a get-together to celebrate, commiserate, protest, raise money, whatever. The first party would be just a few days before the inauguration — to stiffen people’s resolve — and then three or four parties a year after that. ... What do you think?

—One Hundred Days At A Time

A: Something about seeing the next four years broken up into 12 — just 12! — 100-day chunks makes it seem less daunting. Orange Julius Caesar can do a lot of damage over four years, of course, but breaking his term into 100-day increments, and making each hundredth day a day of action, is a great idea. If someone out there wants to pick up OHDAAT’s idea and run with it, I purchased the URL Get in touch, show me your plan, and I’ll pass the URL on to you.

Q: In response to Peaceful Protester from a couple of weeks ago — the reader who suggested protesting at Trump’s inauguration — everyone needs to know that a protest is already planned! It’s called the Women’s March on Washington, but all genders are welcome, and local protests are being organized around the country for those who can’t make it to Washington, D.C.

—Protesting in Minnesota

A: Thanks for sharing, PIM!

CONFIDENTIAL TO OAKLAND: My heart goes out to all the lovers, friends, family members, and artistic collaborators of the musicians, artists, poets, writers, filmmakers, and students who lost their lives in the fire at the Ghost Ship. Terry and I made a donation to the “Fire Relief Fund for Victims of Ghostship Oakland Fire” at Please consider making a donation if you can.